i don't even care what haters say!

whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat... !

make your own inference on whatever. boys grow up to be men, girls grow up to be women and we all play the same games over and over again.

like most things to me photography is only fun because i don't take it seriously.

bad taste.

you ever put your foot in your mouth? find yourself regretting what you've said?
recently this has been happening to me a lot. wether it is to do with my attitude changing or my brain weakening it seams all i ever do now is put my foot in my mouth. man that tastes bad.. i'm naturally an awkward person but this is getting way out of hand. i'm wondering though is it that i'm saying stupid things.. or is it that i lack the conviction to hold fast to my words. i keep mentioning things then suddenly moments later reject my own statement. is this a sign of losing confidence or a sign of loosing brain cells? foot your proper place is not within my mouth..

whats new

whenever i hear that question my heart jolts a bit. i get a brain fart draw a blank then reply a "well-a. . . um.. not much?"
truth is often times when i am posed this question the events or lack there of would be a bit bland to regale. i'm not like some merchant marine or world traveler with billions of wild stories to tell. the bitter truth is besides the steady pace at which i simultaneously read five books little else actually happens to me. so what do you want me to say to you? that since the last time we spoke it is likely i read 20 books? watched 20 movies? i hate getting caught out in public with a book in my hands. cause what happens is some idiot will ask you what it's about and you are then forced to paraphrase the 20 to 30 odd chapters you have just read.. yea it's okay once but trust me if you keep that little pulpy bastard in your hands all day i guarantee you'll be asked that same damned question at least twice more. all i want to do is read in peace!!!

rant said and done. what IS new?
i'll begin with i'm now twenty two. TWO! time sure flies.. paths diverge, paths converge... i don't feel any different then i used to not any smarter or any wiser. heres a little fun fact until you're well passed the age of 25 your frontal lobe(thats right of your brain genius) is not fully grown. no matter how much you'd like to argue with an adult and you feel that conviction of your stupid little adolescent heart that you are right and they are all wrong.. guess what. your brain is not fully developed the connections are not traveling at 100% speed so what does that mean for you kids? it means not matter how much you THINK you're right it's more than likely that you're not seeing all the angles there are to your argument. trust me when you get a bit older you'll understand why you're so stupid. until then try to be a bit more humble.

but i digress by now my random spurts of knowledge have weeded out the skimmers and passers by and what are left are the few sick and twisted creepers of my... jk jk we're all secretly creepers anyways.

besides becoming double eleven, i won a battle! mind you it was a stupid halloween battle and i basically only had to battle my friends. but it is a milestone in my life as a dancer. roughly 2 years ago i told myself if i don't win a battle before i'm 22 i'm quitting bboying thats that. so imagine my joy to have accomplished what i had set out to do 2 whole years ago. bboy life is good. i've been recruited to the soul felons probably one of my biggest inspirations in vancouver period. and recently went to the semi finals in a crew battle with the crew that earl and i created. hard work is paying off. i got a new job they are giving me a ton of hours and tons of free clothes blah blah blah etc etc this whole blog i sense is becoming a tad over indulgent for my liking so i'm just going to abruptly pull the plug right here.....
. . .




.

the UGLY truth.

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband on the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

credit: TheCollective00 on digg

lessons on love.

found my moment of clarity

As i sit entombed in this prison of glass
four gray walls and four gray thoughts rise up to frighten me.

I am trapped with studies.
tamed by their endless labor
death of my soul to pale sickly air

Un ending torture to my spirit.
for here i sit before the mocking glass
to see all the beauty nature taunts.
the grass is green the flowers bloom
and yet here i sit
four gray walls

My heart wails to be free
chains of conscience does betray
my will to liberty

Death, death of my very essence!
the brake between
discipline and freedom
death of my vitality.
The gray becomes me, where does the gray begin?
I am the gray.

rainy day perspective.

i was looking for a picture to convey my feeling on this dismal day of gloom. my friend jolin took an interesting picture the other day. it was of a sunset, but a sunset on a rainy day. the clouds had formed a overcast blanket of grey'ish blob. but the sun popped up at the last few minutes of day light. it was like the sun was saying "hey you jerk lemme shine through! my peoples need me!" a truly beautiful sight if you had your eyes open. the sun illuminated the grey sky making it a golden yellow. the sky beamed much like a lamp shade, this in turn lit up everything in sight. the clearest light was on everything and while jolin was looking at the sun set i was looking at everything the sun was shinning on, brilliant. there was a fresh spray of rain on everything so all the buildings, cars, trees, everything was sparkling.. life contains such beauty. i took out my note pad and wrote this:

"sometimes you step out into the storm and amidst the rain and wind and misery that one perfect moment occurs.
you achieve clarity and the clouds seam to smile at you."

can we ever achieve the clarity we so desire? we're so bogged down by the crap of this world! there is so much negativity in this world. endless futile hatred.. jealousy.. sex sex sex where ever you look. and worst of all ego. we're all drowning in the vomit of society selling you empty wells. you take a sip from that well and you quickly find you're thirsty all over again. isn't it true? there can never be enough. once you do it the thrill is over your high wears off or your pride runs low.. you need a refill. i'm telling you now if you do drugs(ie pot, alcohol etc..) where does it all go? you're wasting your money on a substitute of a true good feeling. .. me? i don't waste my time with that stuff. there is a very real world beyond what you know. if you're too busy staring at the sun set you'll miss the bigger picture.

wanna know the truth? no frills no gimmicks?

God knows all the crap we go through EV-ER-Y DAY...
all the disappointments all the lies all the cheaters the haters the stealers
the time she broke your heart, the time he broke your heart. the time they made fun of you...
the pressure those idiots put on you.. to what? TO BE SOME THING YOU ARE NOT!
God knows the garbage you have to put up with don't be fooled for a second thinking you're all on your own in this world, in this life. He knows..

God longs to just hold you in his arms. you can't hear it but i can. hes saying...





just.. come.. home..






maybe this is your one perfect moment.

ugh.

i think most peoples perception of me is that i do not have trouble with relationships and concurrently do not have trouble with girls. well i don't know why people have this perception of me because it couldn't be further from the truth. i'm rather socially awkward and extremely timid. as for girls, well, there isn't much of anything going on there... when it comes to people i generally take a while to warm up to them before i feel comfortable enough to speak freely, and for girls... i probably have the maturity of a seventh grader.. i mean in the approach that is. socially awkward as they come folks. next to the definition of awkward in the dictionary is a picture of me with "urr...uhh.. umm... uh... urr.. uh..... uh... well.." under it. it doesn't help that all girls are fundamentally insane. i mean lets not kid ourselves here when i found out girls bleed out their baby makers once a month i was a bit traumatized as it is. all these years later not too much has changed. the female mind is probably the best argument to Newtonian law.. you know "every action has an equal and opposite re-action blah blah." yea right. there is just no clear answer to why they do what they do. see girls play games guys are too stupid to understand. i'm straight shooter, if there is something i want i go for it. so the female logic of playing games makes about as much sense as a butt hole on your elbow.

you think one day you're gonna wake up and you're gonna know. but you're WRONG! you see it in movies and tv and they all say when you find that 'one' the bells and whistles go off and you call this word 'fate' and it is good and it is destiny..
but sometimes.. fate is .. fate is creating a bridge of chance to the one you love.

we each have destinies i don't doubt that. some people wait far too long searching the skies for the fireworks to go off, when at your feet lay the flowers of yesterday. trains leave stations thats just how life goes.. if you don't hop on for the ride you just stay right there.

yup that about sums it up..

my weakness...

the diaries of a restless mind.

what is it i am doing at this very moment...?
laying here shirtless. trying to find peace from my thoughts. inside my mind a battle is being waged for control over what is at the centre of my attention. why is it my brain has no filter for stupid crap? no separation of what is of dire importance and what is utter nonsense... i'm thinking about how many people have asked me "whats new?" i draw a blank. give a stupid answer like "well..uhh.. i've been working a lot?.." the honest to God truth is i have nothing new to talk about. for someone so thirsty for adventure i sure live a bland life. is this a case of the "fall blues?" or is this a case of 'you're sitting on your ass too much. get off it..' either outcome compels the same solution: do something! i find the more a person dwells on one thing the more they are engulfed by it. therefore, it is best to quickly solve it or do what you can then move on. keep moving forward. that is the best remedy to this life-road block. each and every day i want to grow spiritually, mentally, maybe not physically... (lol unless it's taller.) i don't care about my destiny. what matters most is this moment. this very second. life is escaping me.. you.. us.. every second you spend on this planet on this stupid screen in front of you.. your life is ticking away. and what have you done today that is vast and profound and amazing. eat sleep move eat sleep move around learn crap. what about your heart? is it still where you left it? the world we live in is crumbling under our feet and you say "theres always tomorrow.." but i tell you one day your bones will turn to dust and your name forgotten amongst the billions. so why is it you worry about today or tomorrow or the next day? when you should be thinking about this very second. isn't there somebody you should be with? isn't there somebody you need to thank? isn't there somebody you need to hold in your arms for no other reason then to just hold them in-your-arms? isn't there someone you need to apologize to... whats holding you back? living your life worrying about the trivial pursuit of tomorrow is like writing you name in the dust that will be blown away. . and no one will have even known there was dust there. wealth is of the heart and mind.

let me remind you every second you waste sitting there.. thinking of what to do. you could be DOING what you SHOULD do...
get off your ass and live that life!!

life unlimited.

facing demons.

lately i've been dealing with the skeletons in my closet. the demons surface and show their ugly faces. . .
i hate stumbling in life. i hate failure. starting at square one.. for many people i'm sure it's easy to believe giving up is an option. not for me. the word quit is not within my vocabulary. so when i stumble i look at it as an interesting opportunity. a way to prove my strength. when someone tells me "ryan you can't" i say "watch me."

i think i'm talking out of my ass. i guess i just needed to remind myself.

two wheels and the road.

as much as i like to think i have a direction in life... the final say is not up to me. the things i pursue are just that, things i chase after. nobody gave me a guaranty of this or that, i just chase.. hope to God i can catch. with the hand full of concrete things in my life riding my bike is one of them. it doesn't have any preconceived notions of who i am, or have standards for me, or built up expectations of who i should be, it just sits there and waits to go fast. me and my 979 vitus. it's nothing much but i've heard back in it's day someone used one just like it to win the tour de france. so as i ride i relive the colored history of this bike. the bike that is older then i am.. the bike that has had many owners. the bike that was cared for enough to have a 600 dollar durace sti drive train installed. make no mistake it may look nostalgic but it's the equivalent to putting a ferrari engine in a vw beatle. it's my therapy. when everything in the world gets to be just a little bit too much i just hop on and pedal til the worlds a blur. something about the familiar feel of leather against jeans, and torn foam wraps on the palms of my hands... makes something change. and as i coast down the slight slope of my drive way to the curb my mind empties and the animal instinct comes alive. the quiet whir of wheels spinning and gears clicking. i breath deep and pedal my first stroke, around the bend and up the hill faster and faster until wind is blowing in my face. cool air rushing towards me. i can't slow down if i slow down the wind stops and when the wind stops the joy stops. so i keep pedaling faster and faster gear up gear down faster faster we go. i smell that smell, the smell of cold air on summer's morning, between that smell and the wind rushing towards my face i can think of no greater high this world can offer. the wheels keep turning and i keep going. higher and faster, up, anywhere the road takes me.. but it must be up. because with 'up' comes the promise of 'down' and with down i get to experience what people search their whole lives for...

. . .freedom. . .

when we go fast nothing can touch us, nothing matters.. for the few minutes i go down that hill i'm like a bird.. i'm flying and the world becomes silent. it's just me.. alone.. i feel like i'm cheating death every second i'm going faster. thinking "no human should be going this fast..." but i get greedy and go even faster. pushing the the limits of every component.. every nut bolt wire bearing gear. when it's just me two wheels and the road everything that is complicated about life becomes simple..

people ask me "why don't you drive?"












why do you?

some things are more important than others.

everything is spiritual... it's just a matter of wether you're able to accept that.

sometimes music says what words can not, don't you think?

sing it al

as my mind becomes weary and i begin to drift closer and closer to the manufactured colors of my subconscious. i think of life. is it a circle or is it a line? do we travel straight, or do we travel only to find we've come back to where we started?

i hear sounds, chiming of the winds touching metal, metal touching metal, reverberating the air traveling through the breeze across the fence across the grass through the window and in to my ears. subtle sounds of leaves blowing, clapping like a gentle applause. the night time breeze is quite beautiful, soothing. i used to think God is the wind blowing the leaves. i'd look up at the waves of air moving across the sea of leaves like long flowing hair, the trees breathing, the grass dancing, like a child's hand feeling water of a pond. wind by scientific explanation is the un even heating of the surface of the earth causing low and high pressure areas: wind. but i like my definition better... the novelty of God's wind has not worn off on me. as i sit and meditate on life i can only smile as i feel the gust of wind.



i don't care about phone calls or text messages, all i really want is ice cream... i could really go for some right about now.

"hey God why are you shaking my life?"

"because you need it.."

"what the hell for? no pun intended.."

"ha-ha very funny... have you forgotten? 'my power is made perfect in weakness.' ... you think you're down and out, but i think you're just getting started. . . start living like you mean it!!"

a bunch of crap i'm thinking.

what if i was a girl. what if instead of two girls one boy my parents had three girls. what would my life be like?

God, i feel lonely.

i think i'm kind of like a dog, a loyal companion. waiting for my master, through rain and snow, just waiting.

am i a "catch"? what defines a "catch"? cook clean and a kind heart?

i wish someone would just "catch" me already.

i keep having all these weird dreams about companionship...

i shouldn't have eaten that candy.

i should have eaten dinner.

i wish i didn't read that.

sometimes you just need to escape this world.

life is like a free floating feather, dancing to the sway of the wind this way and that way. whenever you try and catch it it slips through your fingers. there is something so majestic about it's mystery. we inhabit this space and time in this one dimension of world we see. but the feather floats on here there where ever it wants really, both unpredictable and unchanged by our choices. but we can all hope that for one split second of our lives that feather will fly and gently drop right into our hands. so we can admire it, if only for that one moment. then as soon as it came it flew right away.

my fingers smell like onions.

screens.

we spend our lives in front of screens in this new age of technology. we wake up check our texts on a screen, get on the computer check our emails on a screen, watch the morning news on what else a screen. buy our transfers, read this blog on a screen, live your life according to a screen... cell phone, ipod, laptop, tv, cash register.. everything is a screen and i'm getting sick and tired of seeing screens all damn day! you ever see those gum commercials ( on what else your television screen) and they say
"the original instant message"
the irony of it all..
i understand to a certain extent that we need them in our lives. but i've noticed we border line on obsession over these fickle things. stop letting pixelated red blue and yellow dots dictate your life. try calling instead of texting.. try waking up and instead of checking your phone step outside in your pj's and smell the cool dewy air, feel the soft grass and the cold little drops of water between your toes. we live in this infinite playground of adventure and yet people refuse enjoy it.. instead they prefer to be bound by their chains of appointments and programs and television sets. you become numb to this world. you see a picture of the planet and you say "oh hey it's earth." and go about your day. like a flower in full bloom it should be admired because you may not see it again for a very long time... don't waste your chance.

feel, smell, taste, touch, see !!!

live for each moment! Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away. jump off a cliff into a pool of water! splash in a big puddle! ride your bike as fast as humanly possible! scream at the top of your lungs! tell that girl you like her!!!
cause you might not get that chance again.. we live in this brief existence of beauty, fleeting beauty.. and if you close your eyes for a second you miss out on everything. don't let the reason YOU missed out on happiness be because you didn't take that plunge. a chance at happiness is better then a guaranty of sadness.

an old dead roman once said "fortune favors the bold"
so go live life unlimited.  stop reading this crazy talk already.

refreshing adventure.

i can only describe this as exhilarating!!! yesterday the heat was killing it. so there i was just laying there in my bed beads of sweat dripping down my forehead. and all i could think of was how to escape this damned heat. i felt like a blob just laying there. then the thought of swimming hole popped into my mind. i had heard there were a few a few minutes outside of vancouver. i mean come on! a cool clean oasis! sounds like and adventure to me. something about my up bringing has taught me to crave adventure and savor it with each bite.


what more could a guy ask for??

another guy who was as stoked as i was said " people don't even know... they go to pools and water parks and pay.. this place is like nature's giant free playground!! they don't even know.. i'd take this over that any day!" then he did a front flip off the water fall. insane.


then as i watched him jump and survive, but jump without a regret in this world... i decided you can't come to a place like this and not experience everything it's got! so i climbed up and went down a few currents til i was where he was. there i was standing not knowing what lay beneath scared as hell to jump. i thought of my life thus far and all the things i cherish in this world. my heart pounding in my chest i freed my mind of regrets and hopes and just lived in that moment. took a deep breath said a quick prayer and thought to myself "no one ever said you'd live forever." and stepped off the cliff.

instant exhilaration. i felt so alive! definitely one of the happiest moments of my life.

i've been thinking about it lately. i mean thinking about "no one ever said you'd live forever.." Jesus said i'd live forever. i think in some way God telegraphed the message to me to live. and live not knowing what tomorrow brings so live vicariously. live for each moment. live knowing you could die at any moment anyways.. so don't live with regrets in your heart. love life.. in that one leap of faith God taught me to enjoy what i have now, enjoy this world and this heaven on earth because thats what it's here for.

"therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough trouble of it's own." 

matthew 6:34

life unlimited.

we coincidentally exist in the windmills of our minds. 

a wind a breeze gently through a through into my mind.

the cool summer nights bring me to that place where never is forgotten 

and often later is a maybe. 

a breeze takes me this way and a breeze takes me that way.

a breeze takes my breath away.

in the windmills of our minds.

responsibility

i've known for quite some time now i'm basically coasting through life. i don't know what is going on but i have far too little responsibilities besides my job. not that i want anymore, it's just that when you reach a certain age you're expected to have a few choice things accomplished. for one, most of my peers will soon be entering their fourth year in university which means hello graduation and on to bigger better things. while i'm stuck here in the coasting lane. (stupid ryan...) hopefully in the fall i can finally start my first year of post secondary. you see i don't really know what it is that is holding me back?!? finally after 3 years of moping around and sitting on my ass i'm finally beginning to pick up the responsibilities of being a young adult. i must say this is the least fun under taking of my life thus far but... "a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do." i drew a mouse whole on the wall with a sharpie when i was about 4 after watching cartoons all day, and seeing how if you draw a whole it becomes a real whole. my mom ran over and screamed "RYAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!!!" and at the tender age of 4 those were my words " a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do.." naturally my mom was laughing too hard to get mad at me so i got off scott free. now lipstick drawing in the hallway thats a whole different story.

manhood, ooh how i fear and loath you at the same time. it's a horrible curse cast upon every boy after birth. to someday grow up to be a man, to take on a mountain of responsibilities and still manage to find someone worth sharing their life with. girls always complain about how many guys "bother" them... can i have yo numba? etc etc... yea sure there are a lot of grease balls out there. disgusting egotistical self centered one track mind grease balls, ruining it for every guy who just wants to find that one.. girls just go on and on "ugh i just can't get them to stop calling.." how nice would it be if i didn't have to do anything.. and girls would just shower me with attention and compliments, even gross sleazy girls...( lol i'd just tell them to take a hike.) what i'm trying to say is.. guys, we take a lot of flak for a job that is way easier to mess up and way more courageous.

oh well.. c'est la vie.

to-do:
-get license
-get acceptance letter
-buy car
-keep room clean... :s
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-





-be a man.

brain jumble

i don't know what is up with me lately.. i can't even think straight. a billion thoughts zig zagging and bouncing in and out of my mind. that last thing i wrote doesn't even really make sense. i think i'd be better off just writing in point form the endless stuff streaming through my brain...

-i've been thinking about this whole blogging thing. why does it feel good? what is the point of it? it's obviously not a place to put your private thoughts because anyone can read them. so do you write about what you feel, or write about what you think, or do you just bs..

-there are so many adventures to be had, so much of the world i have not seen. with an estimated 60 years of life left how on earth do i experience everything !! the only thing i can think of is just buy a plane ticket and live out of a back pack for 10 years.

-i wonder how God feels about how insignificantly we treat him? to the one that creates all things including us, how often we over look miracles.. i was looking at the water the other day and the way the sun was shinning the way the wind was blowing and the angle of the shadows were bouncing, everything was perfect. then i stopped doing what i was doing and just realized "this is a miraculous beauty..." everyday every where this happens on the earth, and in people. MIRACLES but we don't stop we just shrug off God's paint brush and think to our selves "not bad" ...

-where do all my socks go?!

-how do you tell someone "i can't wait to get to know you!" ?

-my dog is the cutest dog.. she could be a model if she wanted. "antd"

-i have too many pairs of shoes... materialism is something i'd like to be free of.

-i have too many stoner friends...

-long hair or short hair?

-i feel so socially awkward sometimes. somebody sent me a honesty box message saying something like "are you trying to be mysterious or something? cause you just come off as weird.." i'm not "trying" to be anything.. if i come off as being weird... that is because i AM weird.. thanks a lot anonymous jerk.. it's a wonder i ever even had a girlfriend...

-i would really like to play risk with my homies! risk is always a good times. jono thinking he's playing well when in reality hes just watching tv and only makes it a priority that he gets korea. lol

-when do things become "official"?... sigh..

- aloe drink is amazing.. wow. delicious.

-i like to skateboard even though i suck.

-could go for some ice cream right about now.

-there is a famous saying that goes something like "the battle will not be waged on the battle fields, the battle will be waged over the hearts and minds of the people." that said.. can you truly bribe the hearts and minds of kids with candy?! hahahaha
we shall see.

-friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday..

-wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday!!!!!

k, goodnight.

burn after reading.

for the past two weeks i've been trying to write something, anything! but nothing i wrote ever seemed to materialize into anything. not that i have anything to write now..

i've made a lot of mistakes. how can i stress that enough? i became something i knew i wasn't. i turned my back on God... i turned and walked away. chasing the lie that you only live once. drinking, partying, meeting random girls. no one was more disappointed in me then me... i became "that guy" the one i decided never to become. every time i hear about clubs or drinking it makes me cringe, not because i look down on it, but because of the shame i feel for turning my back on what my heart was telling me. like stuffing your conscience into a stinky bag and hiding it under your bed. i find the more you stuff that voice into that bag the quieter it gets, until one day you can't even hear it anymore, and you can't tell the difference between wrong and right. mistakes mistakes mistakes... i wish i could take them back, take them ALL back. regret much? tell me about it...

but this story doesn't end badly. in fact, it's still being written. my eyes and my life are pointed in the right direction, and that is up. it's so easy to forget who holds you up.. you can't let God down... he holds you up. and you can't regret life. you have to just live it and live it well. sure if you have hurt people then ask for forgiveness.. then move on. we aren't supposed to get hung up over our failures. tell me where in the bible it says "hold on to regret." no where! thats where.. if you ever read about what kind of guy Jesus was you'd know all he talked about was loving God and believing in yourself. jesus was the kind of guy that would shake you and say "snap out of it man you aren't helping me by beating yourself up! get out that door and make change!"

life is unlimited right?

regret is like a secret message that is supposed to be destroyed after you read it. feel it fix it then throw it away!

this was pretty silly but i'll force myself to not delete it.


counting the minutes til wednesday ...

think about this, think about that, think too much about thinking. just enjoy

sometimes when i start spacing out i gotta just slap myself in the face.
*nervous. ha...ha...ha. . .*

moonstruck..

the deck that love built.

a couple summers ago my dad got the crazy idea in his head that we should build a new deck. at first i was a bit skeptical of this idea and his blue prints.. but i went along with the notion for the 'father son' sake. one day i woke to the sound of boards being smashed and the crashing of falling two by fours. it was my dad tearing down the old rickety deck thats been there since i was a kid.... looks like theres no turning back now...

for the following weeks him and i spent a few extra hours a day digging, hammering, carrying, sweating, you know things guys do.. it was an interesting time, much like all of our father son projects. (let it be known that neither myself nor the pops have any engineering or carpentry know-how, just common sense, a hammer some nails and a drill and some screws.) so most of our projects are pretty much slap stick comedy to watch

for example

-dad pouring cement
-me holding support beam

dad: "ryan hold it straight"
me: "okay it's straight"

cement being poured

dad: " what the.. this not straight..."
me: " oh you meant straight that way? i thought you meant straight the other way.."
dad:" there only one straight.."

me:"..."
dad: "..."

etc etc i could go on and on i think i'm traveling further into irrelevance .. hahaha anyways, despite our lack of building credentials both me and my dad are pretty good at building things. i think it must be a japanese thing. we worked hard and long and when the very last nail was in and the paint freshly washed over top... we had ourselves a deck whaddya know! ...




sometimes the craziest ideas can also turn out to be the most fun and most worth while. you might make a few mistakes a long the way but you just have to remain optimistic. by the end you'll be glad you were a part of it. i've realized lately i love my pops. i'd do anything to protect him.. the deck that love built.

sometimes while the sun is setting and the fresh summer breeze is blowing i sit out on that deck and just let my mind drift away.

what am i doing at this very moment.

breathing, sitting here looking at a simon and patrick acoustic guitar missing one string which was broken by earl, waiting, thinking about tomorrow, thinking about how nice the shower i'm about to take will be, thinking about poetry/school/poetry/school/ english, cracking my knuckles, itching a mosquito bite, thinking about ice cream, thinking about who i'd like to get ice cream with, thinking about driving, thinking about drivers licenses, cracking back, more itching, more itching, itch itch itch itch itch, waiting still waiting, thinking about scriptures, thinking about tattoos, thinking about jesus, thinking about a friend, thinking about my back, ouch my back, itching, now thinking about wild style, now thinking about the movie colors, itch, waiting, could go for some ice cream. waiting, thinking, waiting, thinking..


a glimpse into the boring life and mind of ryan. the end.
hahah sorry that was kind of weird/lame. i just felt like experimenting .

the order of things.

first and foremost love God
second love your family
third love your friends
fourth love your enemies.

then if you have any love left. find someone special. thats the order i don't mess with it.
edit: just a handy self reminder.

MY way of life.

when i was about 5 or 6 my dad tried to teach me how to ride a bike. we'd go in the back alley behind our house and he'd hold the back seat while i rode around. it felt good, the security of knowing i couldn't tip over and couldn't fall down. i was having fun until my dad said "you have to do it alone.." i was like " BUT HOW!?!!!!!!!!!" and he let go. as soon as he let go that security was gone and quickly i began to panic. i rode faster and faster, then down a hill, then in to a ditch... i remember feeling really angry with my dad, that and a bit of pain, i was so used to my mom babying me, so unused to this toughen up mentality. little did i know the life lesson my father was about to instill upon me.

i was laying there in the ditch with some cuts and scrapes crying my ass off and my dad just walked over and said "get out of there..." get out of there? what the hell isn't this the part where he climbs down in here and carries me all the way home? nope, he just stood there and waited for me to climb out. then he said " you ready to try again?" i was thinking is this guy crazy or something.. did he not just see that?... i said "i don't want to ride again it's too scary, you're just going to let go again.." then i'll never forget the look on my dads face. utter disappointment filled every crease of his face, and he said " you can't quit so easy.. life not so easy.. can never give up!"..." when you give up you die.." but i was too stupid and too young to understand the lesson he was trying to teach me. i just felt insecure and and scared.. so i said " NO! i'm not riding again! " my dad had the same disappointed look on his face, he paused, then got down into the ditch grabbed the bike and carried it home. leaving me standing there alone.

i was too young then to understand what he was trying to tell me. it wasn't until 12 years later we completed the lesson. oh i knew how to ride a bike by then. the look of disappointment alone was enough to get me to run back home take out my bike and practise practise practise until i learned on my own. anyways 12 years later my dad and i were working together. i usually help out with the family business of landscaping. for about every summer since i was 11 i'd help my dad at work cutting grass, pulling weeds, raking, carrying bricks and digging stuff ( thats probably why i got so huge hahaha) in those 5 years i got to know my dad really well, better then either of my sisters. My dad is a strange guy, sort of old school, sort of awkwardly japanese, sort of gentle but tough and persistent, one of those 'hard work is work worth working hard for..' kind of dudes. so one day he drops a bomb on me "ryan we have to sell the house and move.." at the time i was a total wimp and i literally cried. i was so scared of change. my dad explained it like this the mortgage to the house and the debt we owe is too much and he'd probably die long before we were ever in the free and clear. my dad now entering his 60s needs to retire sometime soon his back, knees and wrists cause incredible discomfort. even though he suffers that much he still wakes up every morning to do a job he hates..
anyways, when my dad said that we had to move i was so upset i quickly shot back saying " YOU TAUGHT ME NEVER TO GIVE UP! because when you give up you die!!" i started crying again..( i know right a 17 year old guy crying IN FRONT OF HIS DAD no less. haha) then my dad did something i've never seen him do in my entire 17 years of life... he began to cry too... my dad started out..

" when i move to this country i was young. . .
i told my parents i might never see you again.
i move here knowing i can't go back!"

..tears dripping down his face..

" my mom! my dad! they KNEW! maybe i won't see them again... so after my father die i couldn't go see him. NOT EVEN MY OWN FATHER! i couldn't see him.. even though i missed them i had to stay here because we need money because you miyuki and hanae. i have to make money for us! so even my own father die... i can't go see him. but i was young like you! i moved here for better life! look at me! is this better life?! soon i die too! then what!.... . . look... my mom my dad they both dead now.. i never see them since i left over 20 years ago.. ryan.. pretty soon i die too.. i want to enjoy my life. i know 'never give up' i know this, but i am 63 years old i made many mistakes.. BUT i never quit.. i never give up.."



now the lesson i learned when i was 5 made so much sense. my father sacrificed a lot for this family, for me. i never knew the level of devotion he had for our family til that day. i never stopped to think when he was a young man he said good bye to his parents knowing he wouldn't see them again until they were buried in the earth. my father taught me never to give up never surrender "this is bushido" he said "we come from samurai family. so you can not quit." so although on the surface i look like your average white washed hipster "vancouver guy" asian i'm actually underneath a proud japanese man. never to give up.. never to surrender. this is MY way of life it should be yours too.

momma didn't raise no quitter!!

4:09am

open road to God

just gonna hop on my bike and ride today.
ride and think about life.


thanks God.

what a feeling.

christina got it right..

you know sometimes while i ride the skytrain i think to myself "people really are beautiful.." and i think of the christina aguilera song. thats seems pretty gay huh?.. hahah don't worry i'm not some closet christina fan. i just like the lyrics. i think about how much time we spend in the mirror worrying about what people think of us, how people check themselves in the reflections off of buildings and pretty much any surface you see yourself( i am guilty of this too.) humans can be such surface level creatures.

it's ridiculous the way appearance is such an obsession. but in reality beauty is a relative thing, un measurable by any one standard rule. beauty is in the eye of the beholder right? blah blah that whole thing. our eyes are the gateway to some of the worst sins. judgement. sometimes you look at someone and almost subconsciously rate them against your standards, like they woke up today got dressed went out the door specifically to be judged by your stupid brain. "this person looks weird.." "this person has a stupid shirt on" " does this guy know how bad hes dressed?" and the worst ones i'll leave up to you.. my point being we sure can be dicks sometimes. if only we could be blind, just all of us blind. then again knowing the human obsession with beauty we'd find a way to judge the voices we hear. when i see another human first i look at their clothes their face then i start to wonder what is his life like? what is her life like? wondering what makes this person beautiful. every person is beautiful and you must believe this to be true, or what chance do we stand? everyone has the ugly parts of them.. maybe their anger, maybe their attitude, maybe their hair, maybe they have a big butt. but what we all have in the relm of ugly we have ten times that in beauty. the kindness of a heart, the compassion of your attitude.. try this before you look at someone and say in your head something judgemental and un kind, try asking instead what is this person good at? what does this person love in life. then once you've realized they could do anything and be just about anything the worlds best violinist etc etc. then you can see the beauty in that person no matter what. because it is not the fact that they are good at any one thing or have passion for any one thing. it is that they have that potential..

and potential is a very powerful thing. and potential is beauty and therefore potential is the way you should see everyone no matter what. we each have a great potential and jesus spoke about this endlessly if you wanna find a guy that advocated this way of seeing people then jesus is your man. this whole thing has rambled on long enough. .. so i'll end it with.



believe in people.. because YOU are people..

tipping the cup.

i remember i was at recent youth retreat and the speaker made a very interesting analogy. he had a paper cup filled to the brim with water and he picked a kid to hold it. he said "here hold this cup for me please." then he began to talk and he said "this cup is our lives as christians." and as he began to talk he started to nudge the kid's arm, a little water splashed out. the kid made a face like what the heck? but the speaker just continued on bumping his arm, more and more water splashed out. until finally he knocked the cup right out of the kid's hand. everyone was like what on earth is he doing? then he said


"this cup is our lives as christians. sometimes God nudges the cup, shakes the cup to see what splashes out, anger, fear, lust, sadness, or love, perseverance, strength, optimism. God tests us this is un doubted. and sometimes God will even knock the cup right out of our hands and you'll have a moment where you say 'why God?' we always face adversities that beg the question of the roots of our faith. death, divorce, debt, pain, illness. we expect life to be sunshine and lollipops but sometimes God knocks the cup out, and for what? he does it for the same reason he nudges the cup. to see how we react. to see after all the pieces are laying on the floor what we put back together, what we fill our cups with once they're empty. do we fill it with bitterness and anger? or love and compassion and jesus. . . "


that has been a big influence in my life. and it also reminds me of how my pastor said "don't expect to feel comfortable as a christian at any time... jesus was beaten and cut and tortured, his blood spilled to the ground..he died on a cross... don't expect anything to be comfortable or easy about this. this is the life we chose."

i had one of those days where people just knocked my cup all freaking day! then finally as we were trying to get home some stupid cop pulls up because one of the guys in our group decides to be an idiot and roll around on the highway. the cop yells at all of us... that was about all i could take so i yelled right back. he knew what i was saying was right so he drove off.
i wonder still if it was the right thing to do?


in a day where everyones "nudging my cup" what do you want me to do God?
look in the mirror and see you..

people's instinctive travels...

that sentence has been on replay in my mind for the past two weeks. what does it mean? aside from being a tribe album of course.

is it ...

that people feel a deep inner need to travel? like antelope and deer, they just know in their bones that it's time to move so they move? i'd like to think there is a deeper meaning in there somewhere not what anyone intended, but what i think about.
perhaps people's instinctive travels is less to do about geography and more to do about the heart. the travels of the heart.
still instinctive like the deer and the antelope. this time however to a different place in your heart. over the course of our lives the darkness and lightness of our hearts will change(not the shade mind you, but good and bad) wether you like it or not this is a natural fact. life and experience teaches us to close off the feelings we have, and put up this mask. to guard against being taken advantage of we must act tough walk tough talk tough. because in the end this world this life is no play ground no fairy tale it's harsh and bitter and real, it's dog eat dog world out there... as time passes the little arrow that usually points towards the good side of the heart gradually starts to point to the opposite side. the arrow moves slowly almost un seen, then it gets to the grey area between good and bad, and it teeters between both choices. this is when it is most dangerous. you must make the choice of wether to follow what is good inside you or fall into the bad.

when you're in between it's dangerous for people to be around you. you can't be trusted... i know what it feels like to be in the grey zone. not bad but not quite good either. and you find yourself justifying bitterness and anger, and jealousy, and pain. you let yourself do whatever you feel. you feel angry so you get revenge. you feel sad so you soak yourself in a bottle of alcohol. people's instinctive travels. we just know in our bones that it's time to move, but do you move closer to the edge? or back to the person you were? we all have our reasons. but there is no justification for hurting other people.. and there is no justification for hurting yourself. don't follow the heart of others, follow your own but make a note to care for others.

i feel like this was all a whole bunch of jibberish and random thoughts. i needed to get this out of my head or i'd be muttering "people's instinctive travels" to my self forever.

is this a..?

i don't know.

reply???

it seems i don't know a lot of things. i'd like to think i know a lot of things. but really i'm just your average guy. with your average flaws and average insecurities and average knowledge.
i think i'm just another cliche.. some dude into hip hop and bboying who likes sneakers and old tv shows with black people like fresh prince.
i am awkward.
i am fidgety.
i am quiet...
i have many stupid ways of going about things. i hate to spoil surprises even if they should be spoiled.
i wonder sometimes who the real me is? i wish i were grounded in who i am.
God is the main focus of my life. or at least that is what it should be.. i find i spend less and less time appreciating God. i'm scared to loose focus again. so many questions are swirling around my mind.
about the future about my life about responsibilities. how can i commit to anything more? this is a big fear of mine.



you..but if i say that word 'you' then it is a reply...
so all i will say is yes, yes i would.. and do!

summer breeze and all that jazz.

my new daily ritual seems to be get home, eat, take a shower, then throw on some jazz.. i don't know why i discovered jazz so late in my life. how i lived without it before is beyond me.

something about those horns and that bass and that piano... it just make me unwind. it soothes my mind and i float away. laying here staring at my ceiling never felt so good.



a-mazing.
excuse me while i drift away.

btw. if you listen to that you'd better dim the lights.. it's simply mandatory.

miscommunication

why can't we work it out? male vs female, the constant struggle for understanding hahaha. i just don't understand why it is we so often misconstrue intentions and feelings. as a member of the male gender i can honestly say yes we are stupid. it's almost like you can never be just friends with a girl. that whole when harry met sally ish. the relationship part always gets in the way. on the other hand girls can never be clear with their intentions or feelings. they need to shoot these crazy signals from a ton of angles just to get one point across. i like you. . . then confusion ensues. "i thought you liked me?!" "no.." or worse yet "i had the biggest crush on you why didn't you do anything i thought i made it pretty clear..." "no..." come on! the games people play. i guess what it all boils down to is signals. we live and die by these signals. we need this signal game because the fear of rejection is always lingering in the back of our minds.

it's a frustrating thing isn't it. then you need to factor in the whole girls and saying "hey" conundrum. you see when girls say "hey" it's one of three things 1) they're just being friendly 2) they feel sorry for you and you get a pitty "hey" or 3) they'd like to talk cause they like you. and heres where the big tangle and where the "guys are stupid" comes in to play. guys never think of 1 or 2 first.... they only think of 3. then we get into a whole mess of sub-problems like avoiding the approach and avoiding the "hey" altogether. we always have to be so careful with each other.

most of the time what guys want and what girls want are two different things. get it straight already! you need to be careful with your heart! don't just give it to anybody! if he wants something else.. then don't waste your time. he sees your heart in your pants, she just sees his heart. girls need to stop walking blindly towards every guy that shows interest. test everything through fire, with a fine tooth comb! a girl must be worth a fight! and a guy must fight for worth. if you can't tell the difference between a guy that calls you hot and a guy that calls you beautiful then you kind of need to reevaluate your understanding of relationships.

when i was a young go getter i wrote this poem. and it makes a whole lot more sense in retrospect. this is the best advice i can give:

...

"that four letter word love.

oh ! she is elusive i know that much.

and these lines too serve little permanence.

because sweet and perfect things fade.

and the glory forgotten.

will there be a memory of your beauty?

flowers are a testament to the 

fragile souls within our bodies.

just as easily wither away.

and their tender petals soft, wilt.

they guard their gentle hearts.

fear the scorns future holds.

you naive flowers.

no rose will last forever.

everyone knows beauty is temporary .

love is eternal."

...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9f06QZCVUHg

masks II

masks

my mask..
it wasn't too long ago i began to question my beliefs. it seemed there were many loop holes in my understanding. i tell ya it's a funny thing being a christian, you find yourself so alive with nothing but hope and positive thinking, but the further you go along you discover all these critical questions you need to answer for yourself. like "what my friends are doing looks like it's so fun! am i wasting my life?" "if someone can meet God at any point in their life and still go to heaven then why don't i just live how ever i want to live and go back to being christian when i'm old..." "Jesus drank wine right?.. so does that mean i can drink beer? how much beer?" hahaha i seriously asked myself that. i wasn't born into a christian family, i became a christian when i was 17, any knowledge i acquire about being christian is from life experience, what i read in the bible, and what i hear on sundays. i don't have a mom dad or brother to ask these questions to, it puts me in an awkward position. . so when i should have picked up my bible instead i picked up a beer. and when i should have gone to cell group i went to the club. i figured so long as i don't get drunk, so long as i don't swear or smoke or get angry... i'm fine.. this was a bad idea. i wish i could have said right away this is a bad idea i'm going home, but i didn't. i kind of liked it meeting new people and hanging out with people my age. pretty soon i was sucked into a life that wasn't mine and i began to lose myself behind a mask. my original hesitations were lost, and i had told the little voice in my heart to shut up so many times.. i began to forget my moral compass in my other jacket you know the one with the cross and the bible, naw i left that one at home. drifting further and further until i was so deep under all the bs of secular life i forgot who i was. i think initially my excuse was "i'm sad i deserve this" "i'm lonely i can get away with drinking.. it numbs the pain" i believe it was at the peak of my emo break up days. it wasn't until i met up with my old pastor that i got the reality check i needed. he reminded me of the courage it takes to walk blindly towards happiness, the prayer that moves mountains and the "rollercoaster" that is christian life. of course i never told him the inner conflicts i put myself through, too ashamed of the stupid mask. so after our coffee/chat i went home and i prayed "God i made a mistake. . . i may be a million steps away from you but i know it's always just one step back." that night i wrote masks, picked up my bible, picked up my cross and continued where i had left off. it's been a crazy couple of months. and i've learnt many valuable lessons both christian and secular about people things life and myself.


maybe you don't care about anything i said, maybe you think none of this applies to you or your life, that YOU don't wear a mask. well i'll tell you what, i'm sure at some point everyone in this world has worn a "mask" and has betrayed their heart. thats not the important thing, the important thing is what do you do about it? do you continue to be someone you're not? or do you recognize the mask on your face and throw it out.

we all have a choice. thats the beauty of it.

has anyone ever told you two wrongs don't make a right?

people make mistakes, that is their nature. some mistakes outweigh others by a certain degree but they are all mistakes in the end. mistake by definition is a wrong doing or a failure resulting in a deviation of the planned outcome or in simple terms someone did you wrong or messed something up unintentionally(and that is key here UNINTENTIONALLY)

now unintentionally can be interpreted in many different meanings. like they didn't mean to do it, or they did it and realized it was the wrong thing to do, or they did it and later knew it was wrong. any way you want to look at it what i'm trying to say is nobody does something bad or messes up on purpose. if that were true we wouldn't need erasers blah blah you know that whole bit. i hate it when people try to cover up their mistakes with excuses. i guess thats just what kind of society we live in. "NO! YOU CAN'T MAKE MISTAKES!!!" ... "you ruined everything" ... "you're fired!" we need an excuse to cover up our blunders for the simple fact that mistakes are unacceptable. and to a certain extent i agree mistakes should be corrected or else we'd live in a world of disorder and lined out phrases and scribbles. but sometimes there is something beautiful about mistakes . potato chips, corn flakes, play doh, microwaves, all things discovered by accident. sometimes i wonder if erasers really make this world a better place. but there i go going off on a tangent. what i was trying to explain is why do we burn bridges over a mistake? sure they messed up but who doesn't? you might wanna say "well look what she did!" it's our jobs as fellow human beings to forgive, show mercy like you'd want done to you. you wanna tell me "but i never did THAT!" like what was done to you is unforgivable. and maybe you're right maybe it's "unforgivable" then what chance do any of us have? we're all prone to making mistakes, no?
i judge the caliber of a person not on their ability to avoid making mistakes, but on how they treat people who do.. if you say so and so messed up and point a finger then you'd better look at your hand and know there are three more fingers pointing right back at YOU! it's easy to turn your back on someone. it's a lot harder however to say you are forgiven.

a fellow memoir writer recently wrote a blog on how this world could use a bit more understanding, and a little more humility. and it got me to thinking mistakes are natural, forgiving is not. why not take the path less traveled, try something new for a change and forgive. forgive because you make mistakes too. lets try and stop perpetuating this world of "NO! YOU CAN'T MAKE MISTAKES!!!" ... and change it to "i understand."

this has been a blog filled with many random thoughts i hope you got the just of it.

update: this is kind of a bite off another blog i just realized... oh well.

we're all so stupid

why is it people refuse to be humble? does it feel good to kick people while they're down? or is it that it happened to you so you're allowed to do it to others? 

the big question here is why perpetuate hate? people are so stupid.. don't you have better things to do with your life then spread hatred and pain? try this look yourself in the mirror and tell me what makes you so special? i think outkast put it the best when they said:

"I know you'd like to thank your shit don't stank 
But lean a little bit closer 
See that roses really smell like poo"

God i can't stand people that think they're "different" that they're "above it all" when really you're stirring up just as much shit as you're involved in. and you ask why me why me!! well i'll tell you why.. because you ask for it. live by the gun die by the gun, those are the rules of life. no matter how much you'd like to believe you don't deserve it.

the truth is.... it's not worth it. to live a life full of drama and hate it's simply a waste of your time and others and i'll tell you why. the bad thing about having a friend that you gossip with is that you can be sure as the sky is blue that that friend talks shit about you too. talk about people behind their back and know that you too are being talked about. live by the gun die by the gun. i'm not saying it all stops when you stop, but when you stop caring it stops mattering. and when gossip and hate stop mattering a huge weight is lifted off our shoulders. the funny thing about what i've said is we are special. everyone has an infinite amount of potential but people are too bogged down by their ways, too busy with surface level things to see it, to know it. we are all better than this. the next time you feel like talking about so-and-so try thinking about what makes you so much better... and try talking about the bad things about yourself. and if that still doesn't work and you can't shut your stupid mouth then just go ahead and talk about me, and hate on me. because i'm going to live my life regardless of what you say. and i'm going to go on going on. whatever you say can't stop me from being all i can be. 

why this world is so full of hate i will never know. 

jockin on the wrong door..

be forewarned this is going to be a blog with many different thoughts and a lot whining.

what pops into mind right now are movie titles, this is how i rationalize life and reality, with the utterly fake? yea i know... anyways, movies like when harry met sally, a lot like love, the notebook , and ooh finally a book great expectations. what do these have in common? they're all about people who meet under the wrong circumstance or the wrong time and just don't work it out. but in the end in true hollywood form manage to get it together by the end. (with one exception to the list. i won't tell you just in case you haven't watched or read them all)

what i'm getting at here is maybe i've been jockin on the wrong door... perhaps somewhere down the road her and i will meet and that will be the right time, or perhaps not even at all. it's a hard thing to do to tell yourself it was never meant to be, it's a even harder thing to tell your self you'd better move on. it's like if your mom kicks you out of your house. it's easy to sit there on the lawn, it's the hardest thing on the planet to walk away.

a lot of questions have been kickin around this big ole noggin o'mine. a lot of deep philosophical questions, questions that if i write down i will be called lamesauce so i won't. instead i'll tell you about my trip.
next week i'm going to pay all my bills, buy some food, a helmet, some spare tools, a map, and venture off on my bike. where ever the road takes me. no phone no computer just what i can carry on my back and my bible. weather permitting and God willing i'll only be gone for 3 days. thats roughly one and a half days ride as far away from civilization as i can get.

why the hell would you do something like that?

maybe i watch too many movies. maybe my life lacks adventure, or maybe i'm sick and tired of living around so many fake people... everyone pretending they are exactly what they aren't. sick of the man bringing me down. sick of bills, sick of girls, sick of people, sick of myself trying to fit into people's lives. sometimes you just need to escape it all, y'know? find yourself before you lose yourself. anyways, hopefully i find what i'm looking for. . .

i'll post the pictures when i get back.

inner conflicts.

i feel a deep need to go somewhere and become lost in my thoughts and meditate. the inner conflicts of my mind and heart have pushed me to this edge. it feels a lot like they're both afraid to betray the other. my mind over flowing with what ifs why nots how comes, my heart with passions and pains. the melting of the mind and the dislocation of the heart calls for a definite sabbatical away from life away from work and away from people. people, who are the cause and effect of it all. people whom i love, whom i can't stand, people whom i'm afraid of, these are the things i need to get away from. my pastor said something interesting today, he said

"you expect a comfortable life as a christian?! jesus died on the cross he suffered for hours, days, his blood poured onto the floors!!! how can you expect your life to be comfortable?... you can expect living on this path of being a christian to always be uncomfortable, if you're living in the comfort zone your whole life... then you are not living a christian life my friend."

i guess my expectations for life were a bit too soft. living loving feeling is tough business. you need to work hard for every single inch you get or else you just slip and slide back down hill, and i don't want that! not for anything! if i'm going to fail at happiness then it's going to be because there is nothing else i can do about it, it's going to be because i tried my hardest but it just wasn't meant to be. people so often follow their minds over their hearts... somebodies gotta bring the love back nawmean ? hahaha
k thanks for reading creepers bye

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wz2_N_9ggHI

pressure makes diamonds baby

i don't know why i made that title. . . haha. i sort of do. it comes under the pretense that my mom just gave me a "what are you gonna do with your life" speech. i could some up my feelings on that issue as frustration, anger, disappointment, disillusion, and shame. frustration for the multiple rejection letters received in the mail, and the epic transcript mix up which set me back another semester. anger for why life seems to put this expiration date on my brain and life, like if i don't go to school i'll never learn and i'll never succeed. disappointment for myself. disillusion because i keep telling myself i'll get it together for the fall by then i'll be happily sitting in my class room. and finally shame, shame for telling myself lies, shame for telling everyone "yes i'll be going to school in the fall" when i don't know at all if i will be going in the fall.


"mom... don't tell me i need to go to school!... I KNOW THAT I NEED TO GO TO SCHOOL."

it's little frustrating talking to my mom about school, or anyone for that matter. it's probably my most hated subject of all subjects. my mom makes it seem like i'm just dicking around and don't care about my life. when i do.. i have dreams and aspirations. i'd like to have a job and house and beautiful wife and kids. i know what i need to do. but at the same time i shut myself out and lie to myself.

i wanna be an english teacher mom. i wanna travel the world mom. i want to make you proud mom. i want to take care of you and dad mom... here it comes out so easy.. but in real life it just fails to be.












God i need a revelation. . .

what guides you...

do you follow your heart or your head? when a situation comes up where i need to make an important decision i've always followed my heart. this has gotten me into some pretty awkward and sticky situations but for the most part i never regretted them. if you follow your heart you're not worrying about the "what ifs" you just know what to do. what i don't understand is why people turn that little guy off and just listen to their brain.

this reminds me a lot of dancing. when someone dances and looks in the mirror they're not following the music, they're following their brain. as opposed to just listening to the music and a interpreting the music with your emotions. making the sounds into shapes and feelings and creating your own flavor. mirrors for dancing are bad because you're not being you, you're just making yourself look like the you you want to be. without mirrors everything just flows out with ease. but i'm kinda eccentric about dance like that. i could just be a weirdo.

what i'm trying to get at here people is if you're too afraid to follow your heart take chances get messy make mistakes(-miss frizzle words to live by) you miss out on experiencing life. you will never know the meaning of love, you will never know the meaning of pain, you will never know the meaning of loss. until you invest your heart in something fully. why would you want to feel true pain you ask? you can't be afraid to look stupid or take risks or even hurt. i'd rather feel true pain then be numb. you feel with a true spectrum of emotion. i have to write stuff like this people need to be reminded stuff that happens in movies does happen in real life.

live life following your heart i promise you won't regret it. take chances invest fully lose fully feel pain fully life is too short to wait a lifetime to feel fulfilled. you don't want to wake up 20 years from now next to someone you kinda love and have two kids and nothing exciting to talk about. live life love life listen to your heart.

a chance at happiness is better then a guarantee of sadness

masks

in life sometimes it's necessary for us to wear masks. becoming different people. we do this because we are afraid to not be accepted as we are, or for what we believe in. and don't tell me you don't do this cause everybody EVERYBODY! does.. think like this how you treat your parents as opposed to your friends or how you play a sport as opposed to how you live your life. people sometimes feel the need to be someone else and this is a dangerous thing. sometimes you can create a rift between the worlds almost like a tug of war between the people in your life and the influences. and you're in the centre everyone and every thing is pulling pulling and suddenly you're not in the center where you want to be, you're not anywhere... you're gone. very soon you find yourself lost behind a big ugly mask of who you truly are. my friend said something pretty profound the other day actually i don't think he even meant to say it on purpose. we were just talking about how a person can lose themselves and he was trying to think of an answer and all that came out was

"well... uh.. if you lose your self, you must not know yourself.."

i thought about it for a second then realized the vindication of that statement. only people who aren't grounded in who they truly are are in danger of losing themselves. but life is hard like that. especially at this age you're still trying to find out who you are. and the mold is not set . but if it can happen to me, it can happen to you.

it's hard for me to understand why it is people do this... wear masks i mean. people that are essentially good becoming something they aren't for sake of blending in. but since when was blending in such a good thing? like in grade 11 art my teacher gave us each a sheet of paper and asked us to fold it. everyone in the class folded it in half. and he had a genuinely sad and worried face on. and he said "this is where your generation and society are going. look at your papers." (everyone looks at their papers) "i didn't ask you to fold them in half. not even one of you folded adjacent corners or just a small piece. you all did it exactly the same."

and this brings me to my final point. when all the things pull us every which way and we begin to lose who we are that is when we all become the same ugly person. i don't know about you but i do not want to blend in and i do not want to fold my paper like yours or anyone to fold their paper like mine. don't listen to people who say you're doing it wrong. just listen to your heart. because in the end this will make all the difference to who you are.. then you will realize how many people wear masks.

intentions are effed.

it's so hard to understand people's intentions. good or bad, real or fake. i believe this to be one of mankind's fatal flaws. how different this world would be if everyone were just up front about their intentions and feelings.. i like you, i love you, i don't like you, i hate you... would it be a better place?

i love how this blog went from me talking about my life, to me talking about cool stuff, to me being the most emo kid ever, and now it's like the theologian's corner or something. hahahaha

anyways back to the topic at hand. the reason i'm thinking about this suddenly is i really wonder what people know of MY intentions and what the intentions of others are. mostly i worry about people thinking i'm fake. judging others by judging that they must be judging you. pretty messed up right? but it's something we do all the time. how do you know if people are judging you or not? this reminds me a lot of adaptation

this part at 3:22http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ryqQbI0iEw

when charlie is talking to donald about a girl in highschool. "you are what you love, not what loves you."

if life were that easy not to care what other people think. that would be great. but life is not that easy and theres always complications and miscommunications and people get into fights. i'm not a fake person... i love and hurt just like anyone else and i'd say this blog is as clear evidence of that as there is. but just because you know yourself to be a real person it doesn't stop other people from thinking you're fake. and there in lies my whole epiphany. what if people could just be upfront about their intentions. i like you, i love you etc etc you know that whole bit. so yea, what if people could or would do that, and had the freedom or feel free to state their intentions without being thought of as mentally handicapped. thats seems harsh but imagine the situation.

hey man i think you're really cool wanna be friends and then we can hang out and eventually become really good friends and then talk about our problems or just be tight like bros?

or

hey shoot girl i'm like so amazed how beautiful you are you wanna be friends for a pretty long time so then eventually i can ask you out and we can have weird names for each other and so i can hold you when you're sad or scared or cold.

like wtf NO! see you feel awkward just reading that. but my question is what would life be like if that could actually happen? would it be better or worse. think about it. and to anyone who reads this I'M NOT FAKE DAMN IT!

http://www.mediafire.com/?dejmm3tn1du

thank you for deleting me from your life, it feels great.

poetry poetry..

poetry used to be so easy for me to write.. now i don't know whats happened.. i've become some sort of block of stone. nothing is coming out of me.. i tried to express my feelings but it just comes out as corny garbage. i can't write like i used to.. somethings happened and it's made me so cynical about this world. or maybe it's just because i'm no in love. for whatever reason it is i'm just not feelin it. and i wish i could. poetry was one of my loves. but now it seems the drear of being older has sucked the life out of that too. looks like my only form of expression now is my dancing.

sometimes when it rains i like to get philosophical..

i've been thinking a lot lately since having a talk with pastor darryl (basically my substitute dad hahaha) whats life about?
i mean what defines what living life is all about? love? relationships? success? happiness? and you sit there and you ask yourself the same question. "what is the true definition of living life?" my favorite teacher used to say " without passion you can not live" and thats totally true someone who is old and entering the final years of life will live that much longer if they have duty or responsibility . does this truly define what it means to be alive? finding something you love with great intensity to the point you find meaning within it? or is life an abstract concept with many free radicals floating around. can someone really define what it is to feel a purpose in life? or is it all in the end that life is finding your own definition of life?

for me life is a giant puzzle waiting to be solved. you know how sometimes you buy a puzzle or a box of legos and for some messed up reason theres a piece you can not find anywhere? so you're like "wtf i got jipped!" and you search and you search and you search but it's not anywhere. life is kinda like that for me, building the puzzle only to find you're missing something and then searching everywhere for it. half the excitement of life is that search, at least for me it is. i can understand how people might get frustrated by this "search" in the end it is this "search" that defines us. the obstacles and surprises we encounter are the bumps and battles that make no two people alike. some people have great passion for this "search" and some people choose to follow others instead of forging their own path. but i will tell you this the harder you struggle with life the more character and integrity you will gain from it. i'd rather have struggle with life and gain a sense of self awareness then to be given every answer on a plate and miss out on the ups and downs of this journey. how could life be this complex without a bigger picture at play? we are not the product of a natural turn of events or a chain reaction of cosmic gasses. we each have a purpose in life on this planet be it great or small. i don't know why people have to struggle so much to come to terms with this. like it's impossible for there to be a higher power then man?...

let me leave you with this question: whats your definition of life? and if you don't know... then what are you doing to find it?