sometimes when i start spacing out i gotta just slap myself in the face. hahaha

moonstruck..

the deck that love built.

a couple summers ago my dad got the crazy idea in his head that we should build a new deck. at first i was a bit skeptical of this idea and his blue prints.. but i went along with the notion for the 'father son' sake. one day i woke to the sound of boards being smashed and the crashing of falling two by fours. it was my dad tearing down the old rickety deck thats been there since i was a kid.... looks like theres no turning back now...

for the following weeks him and i spent a few extra hours a day digging, hammering, carrying, sweating, you know things guys do.. it was an interesting time, much like all of our father son projects. (let it be known that neither myself nor the pops have any engineering or carpentry know-how, just common sense, a hammer some nails and a drill and some screws.) so most of our projects are pretty much slap stick comedy to watch

for example

-dad pouring cement
-me holding support beam

dad: "ryan hold it straight"
me: "okay it's straight"

cement being poured

dad: " what the.. this not straight..."
me: " oh you meant straight that way? i thought you meant straight the other way.."
dad:" there only one straight.."

me:"..."
dad: "..."

etc etc i could go on and on i think i'm traveling further into irrelevance .. hahaha anyways, despite our lack of building credentials both me and my dad are pretty good at building things. i think it must be a japanese thing. we worked hard and long and when the very last nail was in and the paint freshly washed over top... we had ourselves a deck whaddya know! ...




sometimes the craziest ideas can also turn out to be the most fun and most worth while. you might make a few mistakes a long the way but you just have to remain optimistic. by the end you'll be glad you were a part of it. i've realized lately i love my pops. i'd do anything to protect him.. the deck that love built.

sometimes while the sun is setting and the fresh summer breeze is blowing i sit out on that deck and just let my mind drift away.

what am i doing at this very moment.

breathing, sitting here looking at a simon and patrick acoustic guitar missing one string which was broken by earl, waiting, thinking about tomorrow, thinking about how nice the shower i'm about to take will be, thinking about poetry/school/poetry/school/ english, cracking my knuckles, itching a mosquito bite, thinking about ice cream, thinking about who i'd like to get ice cream with, thinking about driving, thinking about drivers licenses, cracking back, more itching, more itching, itch itch itch itch itch, waiting still waiting, thinking about scriptures, thinking about tattoos, thinking about jesus, thinking about a friend, thinking about my back, ouch my back, itching, now thinking about wild style, now thinking about the movie colors, itch, waiting, could go for some ice cream. waiting, thinking, waiting, thinking..


a glimpse into the boring life and mind of ryan. the end.
hahah sorry that was kind of weird/lame. i just felt like experimenting .

the order of things.

first and foremost love God
second love your family
third love your friends
fourth love your enemies.

then if you have any love left. find someone special. thats the order i don't mess with it.
edit: just a handy self reminder.

MY way of life.

when i was about 5 or 6 my dad tried to teach me how to ride a bike. we'd go in the back alley behind our house and he'd hold the back seat while i rode around. it felt good, the security of knowing i couldn't tip over and couldn't fall down. i was having fun until my dad said "you have to do it alone.." i was like " BUT HOW!?!!!!!!!!!" and he let go. as soon as he let go that security was gone and quickly i began to panic. i rode faster and faster, then down a hill, then in to a ditch... i remember feeling really angry with my dad, that and a bit of pain, i was so used to my mom babying me, so unused to this toughen up mentality. little did i know the life lesson my father was about to instill upon me.

i was laying there in the ditch with some cuts and scrapes crying my ass off and my dad just walked over and said "get out of there..." get out of there? what the hell isn't this the part where he climbs down in here and carries me all the way home? nope, he just stood there and waited for me to climb out. then he said " you ready to try again?" i was thinking is this guy crazy or something.. did he not just see that?... i said "i don't want to ride again it's too scary, you're just going to let go again.." then i'll never forget the look on my dads face. utter disappointment filled every crease of his face, and he said " you can't quit so easy.. life not so easy.. can never give up!"..." when you give up you die.." but i was too stupid and too young to understand the lesson he was trying to teach me. i just felt insecure and and scared.. so i said " NO! i'm not riding again! " my dad had the same disappointed look on his face, he paused, then got down into the ditch grabbed the bike and carried it home. leaving me standing there alone.

i was too young then to understand what he was trying to tell me. it wasn't until 12 years later we completed the lesson. oh i knew how to ride a bike by then. the look of disappointment alone was enough to get me to run back home take out my bike and practise practise practise until i learned on my own. anyways 12 years later my dad and i were working together. i usually help out with the family business of landscaping. for about every summer since i was 11 i'd help my dad at work cutting grass, pulling weeds, raking, carrying bricks and digging stuff ( thats probably why i got so huge hahaha) in those 5 years i got to know my dad really well, better then either of my sisters. My dad is a strange guy, sort of old school, sort of awkwardly japanese, sort of gentle but tough and persistent, one of those 'hard work is work worth working hard for..' kind of dudes. so one day he drops a bomb on me "ryan we have to sell the house and move.." at the time i was a total wimp and i literally cried. i was so scared of change. my dad explained it like this the mortgage to the house and the debt we owe is too much and he'd probably die long before we were ever in the free and clear. my dad now entering his 60s needs to retire sometime soon his back, knees and wrists cause incredible discomfort. even though he suffers that much he still wakes up every morning to do a job he hates..
anyways, when my dad said that we had to move i was so upset i quickly shot back saying " YOU TAUGHT ME NEVER TO GIVE UP! because when you give up you die!!" i started crying again..( i know right a 17 year old guy crying IN FRONT OF HIS DAD no less. haha) then my dad did something i've never seen him do in my entire 17 years of life... he began to cry too... my dad started out..

" when i move to this country i was young. . .
i told my parents i might never see you again.
i move here knowing i can't go back!"

..tears dripping down his face..

" my mom! my dad! they KNEW! maybe i won't see them again... so after my father die i couldn't go see him. NOT EVEN MY OWN FATHER! i couldn't see him.. even though i missed them i had to stay here because we need money because you miyuki and hanae. i have to make money for us! so even my own father die... i can't go see him. but i was young like you! i moved here for better life! look at me! is this better life?! soon i die too! then what!.... . . look... my mom my dad they both dead now.. i never see them since i left over 20 years ago.. ryan.. pretty soon i die too.. i want to enjoy my life. i know 'never give up' i know this, but i am 63 years old i made many mistakes.. BUT i never quit.. i never give up.."



now the lesson i learned when i was 5 made so much sense. my father sacrificed a lot for this family, for me. i never knew the level of devotion he had for our family til that day. i never stopped to think when he was a young man he said good bye to his parents knowing he wouldn't see them again until they were buried in the earth. my father taught me never to give up never surrender "this is bushido" he said "we come from samurai family. so you can not quit." so although on the surface i look like your average white washed hipster "vancouver guy" asian i'm actually underneath a proud japanese man. never to give up.. never to surrender. this is MY way of life it should be yours too.

momma didn't raise no quitter!!

4:09am