Friday, February 20, 2015

what does it mean.

wondering lately what does it all mean? what is any of this? and why does it matter? some fucking albert camus shit... i just got back from a trip to seattle and i thought being home in my native land i'd feel normal again. instead i still feel like life is a dream.. when i was in america it was such an odd sensation being out of my comfort zone and out of any place of responsibility i was literally outside of my own life looking in at why the grass might be greener. but instead of mass doses of inspiration all i had were realizations and surreal interactions of complacent life. all in all it was a good trip for me but all the same a bit of a shallow one. i had no expectation going in but upon exit from this weird state of being i was thrust back in to my life of responsibilities and frustrations. it was like i left my home and comfort and energy to embody a grey zone then expecting to retrieve my own life i was stuck in the grey. i catch myself in the dead end state of mind wondering what is all this shit. how did i come to be this age and this level in my life with so little to grasp to? what holds me to reality? what is worth all this struggle? i understand work and hard work are valuable and time is precious and also feelings and the heart are priceless... but why am i reliving this weird limbo so vividly. am i bipolar? wtf is this odd sensation.... i feel lost in my own life. maybe upon retrospect all this will just be like mindless chatter of my emo brain. right now it certainly feels very real. my theory and this is the frist thing that pops in to my head: is that i left home thinking escaping my problems would allow me the freedom to contemplate my plan of attack deeper and find my happy thought. instead upon arrival my problems magnified in my mind and just festered to a weird greyness. nothing is solved nothing is improved nothing is stronger i am just back to my nest. further more maybe my plan and vision of attack was stronger in focus when i was working towards leaving hahaha. the bonds of maya... fuck.

No comments: