Sunday, August 12, 2012

break life retrospective.

       recently i had a "why do i dance?..." "whats the point of it all?..." existential moment. periodically throughout my life i am prone to these bouts of extreme despair. i'm not sure what to attribute this to? perhaps my lack of confidence. (when surveying my previous posts that "my needs met?" post certainly stands out and makes me come off as a bit shallow and narcissistic. which makes it difficult to believe i lack confidence..) perhaps it's my high asian standards? perhaps it's my ability to be heinously over analytical? ... i think more than anything i was just disgusted by what my dance form has become.

i don't really feel like giving you a crash course of the origins of bboying so educate yourself! to an outsider's eye bboying looks like it's just about flashy moves and backflips and gymnastics."who can spin on their head the longest?!"..... which couldn't be further from the truth. like any dance form it's all about expression feeling intuition music.. or at least thats what i thought it was about.. when i competed recently i was reminded that not all dancers appreciate creativity and originality. to some, bboying is just a matter of regurgitating sporadic catchy moves on beat. the art is lost. so instead of the dance being an art form it is a sort of homage to the forms and ideals of the first bboys. i guess there is nothing wrong with that. am i saying there are a lot of purists? maybe. i guess since i hold creativity and originality in such high regard i see more purists than what is the reality...

is it just a matter of me finding out my beliefs are a sham? or am i righteous in my feelings of disgust?

whatever the case that competition sent me into a spiralling pit of self pity and yes despair. i think it's a normal part of breaking to hit a wall wether it comes from frustration of inner conflict and plateauing, or a uncontrollable exothermic reaction of circumstance. every bboy has this moment of "why am i doing this?" and it's a simple matter of wether you know in your heart or you shit-simple can't figure out why you dance.  a lot of people hit this wall and suddenly lose purpose. thats why you see a lot of kids start it up then by the time they're 18 they're gone.

i started bboying when i was 17 i am now 24...  7 years of this dance has taught me so many worth while lessons about life and respect and hard work! 7 years of crashing moves, 7 years of rolled ankles, 7 years of floor burns, 7 years of injured wrists shoulders sprained fingers, 7 years of callused hands, 7 years of sweat blood and tears, 7 years of not making it to finals. no one ever taught me how to quit. . . .  if you do something you should do it to the best of your ability otherwise why the fuck do you do it? wake up every day with the sole purpose of exacting your skill and sharpening your mind from sun up to sun set. i just feel like you can't quit things so easily.. cause life's not easy. fuck competitions! fuck prize money! fuck stupid people who can't appreciate creativity!  what it boils down to is how much i LOVE this dance and what joy the pure expression of my own movements gives me.

ask yourself "what in my life do i do just for me?" not out of obligation,  not for someone else, not for money, not for a companion or you parents, not for respect. just. . . .


Sunday, July 22, 2012

letter to the big guy upstairs.

hey God...

    i'll never stop believing in you. i'll never stop praying and thanking you for all the miracles in my life. i'll never stop loving you... i just don't think you're this tight wod that needs constant attention and worship. i think spending time relating and loving other humans is what you would prefer. regardless of what some ancient text says about how i should act and live at the end of the day i'm just me and it feels like i have to figure things out for myself...

as always i'm still learning how to be a better human being and i feel i have many more lessons to learn about compassion and love.. i also still worry A LOT about people thinking i'm fake and that i do things with underlying intentions.. but.. at this stage in my life i feel like i'm finally comfortable with who i am and it feels great! it took 24 years.. and lots of mistakes! but i wouldn't turn back and change a thing. thanks for never leaving me. :) every day is a chance to learn and grow and love. i hope someday we can have a long chat about my life. in the meantime i'll try not to get into tooo much trouble... and i will continue to cherish every moment of my life like a precious gift.

in your sons most precious name. amen.