Wednesday, December 31, 2008

i think i'll crawl somewhere dark and warm and hope it ends swiftly..

i'm laying here.. looking at these keys...thinking... what can i type to make things right. what can i type to make things be different... . . . nothing. if i could do it all again, i'd do it differently.

i'd tell you more stories when you asked me to. i'd fight your parents to the bone for you. i'd tell random guys looking at you to take a hike, even if they weren't looking at you.. i'd be less frugal with my money and spoil your ass rotten and fat. i'd spend more time with you... like what the fuck is a day. who says "half a day is all i can do ."WHO THE FUCK!?! i'd be a man, not the boy.

but it's gone. and when i look at these tears thinking where did it all go? i know.. i know i did the right thing in the end. you deserved better then what i had. better then what i got. better then who i am. if you had the slightest chance of meeting someone that could give you all the things i couldn't, then you'd still be better off. because at least you wouldn't have to fail with me.

my life will never be the same. and thats the truth. you walk a different path one not connected to my own. one with virtue, one with importance. this makes me glad. someday i'll tell my son, not about "the one that got away" but "the one i let go" i'll tell him

son when you are my age you will know this to be true. but for now you'll just have to believe me. there is nothing more important then love. not money, not time, not life, not anything in this world. love is the most important thing. so if you love someone remember that. and if someone loves you remember that.

so this new years i've decided to renew an old tradition . being sad and lonely. don't give me your pity... i can live with these consequences. because... no rose will last forever.

Monday, December 29, 2008

new years time crunch

i don't know what to do....

Monday, December 8, 2008

RE-define dope

so i've just made another blogging venture. this ones a bit more self made though. i just asked earl if he wanted to make a blog with me and he just said yea hahaha it didn't take any convincing. anyways the re of re-define stands for ryan and earl. clever right? i know. so if you wanna know whats up whats going down and whatever is sideways come check out the blog

Sunday, December 7, 2008

what came first the movie or the life?

it's funny how life likes to imitates art.

part of me thinks how things are is for the best. if i'm alone i don't have to bring anyone down with me. my failures are my failures.
i'd be lying if i said i did it all for her benefit. but it is better that i'm a loser on my own then a loser with her.

as time draws closer to new years i really feel pinched. there is this japanese saying and i'm not sure if it's a western thing too but basically it goes something like the person you spend new years with is the person you'll be with for the rest of that year. it's gay i know but i'm secretly like the most romantic guy you'll ever meet. so i just eat up stuff like that. and although i've had plenty of opportunities in the back of my mind i keep thinking unless some amazing girl comes in and knocks my socks off i may be in love with her for the rest of my life. and thats kind of a bad thing because if thats the case i don't know what the hell i'm going to do...

if someone wrote a book about my life i think my character would be a cross between holden caulfield, charlie kaufman, and spiderman.

Saturday, December 6, 2008


sometimes i like to think of myself as a sociologist of sorts observing my fellow human beings going about their strange little lives. have you ever gotten on a skytrain and this happened?
everyone is sitting by themselves...

why is this?
i mean sure you want your own seat thats fine and all. but why has is come to this? i realized people are so uptight and cut off from each other. a while back this lady just started talking to me on the skytrain platform. my first reaction was "whats wrong with her??" when in truth she was just trying to be friendly and wanted to chat. whats wrong with me? whats wrong with us all?
it's like as soon as we head out that door we're actually closing off the world. putting those headphones on and filtering out the world and the other people on it with our little distractions. picking up a 24 and browsing the celebrity gossip section. we all just cut apart from each other in our little newspaper cubicles and our earbud symphonies.

when was the last time you stopped to listen to birds. not as a background noise or on tv. but actually just listened.

i talked to this guy at my store and he told me how it didn't used to be like this. in the early 80s and 70s people just said hello to each other. you could actually just meet someone talk and be friends. i mean this kind of thing is incomprehensible by todays standard. but he witnessed it and the other oldie in line confirmed his story. people in vancouver used to be friendly.
but now we just sip our grande americanos and give friendly people dirty looks thinking "whats wrong with this person didn't they get the memo?"

i'm afraid for the world. people are getting so uptight. so when i see stuff like an entire skytrain filled with people sitting by themselves it freaks me out a little.

but thats just my observation and i'm no sociologist just a guy who observes people weirdly.