Wednesday, December 22, 2010

close your eyes.


Sunday, December 19, 2010

well well well.

strike while the iron is hot....


is a phrase that bares no meaning to me.. wtf am i doing?

Thursday, December 9, 2010


i have none.

Friday, December 3, 2010

it's december 3rd 11:41 pm :

i've been pretty lazy lately haven't i... well i'll change that. going to clean my room and take care of a couple things. . back in a couple hours with something that i hope you'll enjoy.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

making trails walking the road.

the road is long.
the road is narrow.
the road is difficult.
the road is so far from me.
the road is every waking moment.
the road is never giving up on anything.
the road is 100% integrity and zero compromise.
the road is working hard even if no one knows it, or cares.
the road may take you far away from your family and the ones you love.
the road is always there even when you're too tired to go on.
the road is unforgiving and treacherous.
the road cuts you deep, into your flesh.
the road seems endless.

the road is painful..

we all walk the road wether we like it or not.
on the road to character we may lose many pieces, but in ourselves we always find the new pieces
to the puzzle of our destiny.
the puzzle of our mind.
the puzzle of our heart...

every day we walk the road.
and everyday we find out who we are.


Saturday, November 27, 2010

children full of life.

i've been looking for this documentary for probably about the past 5 to 6 years.... i finally found it!!!!
when i was in high school taking media arts my teacher Mr Byrne recommended watching the passionate eye on cbc. at that time i didn't really care about documentary film making or much of film making for that matter. i just knew i had some natural talent for it and i liked that i could get high marks. but one night flipping through channels on tv i came across the passionate eye on cbc and decided what the heck lets see what this weird show is about. this was the first episode i ever watched and it changed things for me forever.. it was the right episode to watch... i'll let you see what i saw when i was in grade 10 ...

this will blow you away.

watch all five parts you won't regret it.

Friday, November 26, 2010

hahahahahah pretty darned cute! sigh kids are great!

Monday, November 15, 2010

"This blog is open to invited readers only"

"It doesn't look like you have been invited to read this blog. If you think this is a mistake, you might want to contact the blog author and request an invitation."

i've never understood this... if what you are writing is so private why not write it in a journal? seems like the obvious choice to me. . . unless you have allowed a choice few friends to read your scandalous or overly personal entries.. in which case makes you a glorified attention whore. if you're going to write. write because it frees you. don't write because you want people to know your boohoo poor me problems. write because you enjoy the written word. don't write if you're some fake pretending to know extensive literature when in fact you just read what you quoted off another blog or worse yet a school textbook. write for the sake of writing not for anyone else but yourself.

end rant.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

i bet this is the billionth time i've posted this...

well this is how i feel and this is the blog of a die hard al green fan so get over it.

a not so quiet afternoon's introspection

what am i doing?
i'm laying here.

i don't know. i find i always do this. lay down and think about stuff. my a to z's of thought from God religion after life to classical literature to film to cartoons to the amount of beers i drank last night to allen ginsberg to mahatma gandhi to shelby to what ever happened to barney? to cars bikes motorcycles to girls to the girl i like to the girl i wish liked me to girls in general to why am i so lonely to why am i alone to why AM I ALONE! to how is it a decent kind considerate hard working/ i'd like to think at least a little bit attractive... guy like myself is without the mate i seek to am i radioactive to do girls not like nice guys? to how come 24 hour stores need locks? to is my head large to my head is large to is my butt big to my butt is big.

why are things in life so devastatingly sad...? when you're alone you are truly alone.

i'm laying here wishing there was somebody laying here next to me. so we could lay here together stare at my ceiling and think about all these weird things i'm thinking about... together..

i'm wishing i had someone to be mischievous with. a girl. a girlfriend. and we could do funny stuff like buy scarves at value village and wrap them around cold looking trees or cold looking garbage cans. or we could spend a day in walmart and play with lamps ride razor scooters eat candy kick soccer balls. or we could buy a bucket of rubber bouncy balls and throw them down the steepest hill in my neighborhood... but whatever thats just a thought.

whats happening?
i'm laying here. being lonely. waiting for the right person to walk in to my life.

what happened?
i broke someone's heart. then had my heart stomped a couple times.. what goes around comes around i guess.

"it's been long enough ryan it's time to get back out there..." is what they say. what?! out there?! are you crazy! i can't do that.. i've beeeeen out there.. out there is not kind.. out there is not fun.. out there is where i got my heart trampled on by crazy bitches.. i'm not going out there.. i'll stay right here. i'll lay right here. til the right one comes along and messages me on facebook or something.

i'll lay right here and maybe she'll lay right next to me. then i won't have to be alone. . .

Thursday, November 11, 2010

of course!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

this doc is killing me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the coolest thing i've ever seen.

“light.... light I think is knowledge. knowledge is love. love is freedom. freedom is energy. energy is all. without light, we can’t have images.”

Monday, November 1, 2010

the sound my heart makes in the silence of the night..

eyelashes fluttering on my cheek. your gentle breath in my ear. the squeeze of soft dainty hands in mine. a cold fall night looking at the ocean and the sparkle of the early stars in the sky. here is our story. all it ever was and all it ever will be. . .
condensed in that microcosm of that minute. that second. that instance where i gaze at you and you gaze at me.
and suddenly time freezes. we imagine. walks in the park, wearing big sweaters and blue jeans. i read you my favorite poems. you laugh at my quiet awkward inferences. we imagine. trips to pumpkin patches, leafy fields auburn trees, in bright spectrum of autumn. simple warm nights in december. teasing about christmas gifts. pillow fights and blankets wrapped tightly. vacations in Mediterranean sun. two adventurers with wonder and amazement in their eyes. we imagine. getting caught out in rain. summer rain. rain that blankets. rain thats inescapable. we are moody at first. but decide 'to hell with rain! to hell with trivialities!' we SPLASH! STOMP! KICK! puddles our private play ground. and your hair so wet, our clothes so heavy. we hold each other for warmth. your breath smells sweet like purple nerds. i brush the hair from your eyes. and we embrace... the first perfect moment of clarity. i love everything about you.. our cheeks blush crimson red in the steamy dew we kiss...

discovery. truth. defeat. pain. hurt. TRIUMPH! care. loyalty. warmth. passion... . . . .


but then here i am. back to my cruel reality where it's just me. just me and my day dreams. dreams that haunt my every waking moment. thinking why couldn't that be real. my heart so pale, so painful for longing for that kind of love...

Saturday, October 30, 2010

by the master

true stroke of genius and beauty.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


i'm in dire need of a vacation!!!!!!!!!

i would really like to write something bigger than a paragraph!!! but i just don't have the time or brain power right now. it seems like by the time i get home from work it's almost 11 and by that time all i have time for is eating a snack and falling asleep.. /:

Sunday, October 24, 2010


i've been thinking a lot lately. well, i always think a lot. 'lately' just sounded nice.
i've been thinking about my goals, my dreams, my aspirations, the people i've hurt, and the people who have hurt me.
i've been thinking about my plans. the things i want to do, the people i want to meet, the love i'd like to share.
i've been thinking about my savings, where i want to travel, who i'd like to travel with.
i've been thinking about the people closest to me, who they are, what they do, what they're thinking.
i've been thinking about the first moment you realize you love someone. the way you feel all warm inside, the way your chest becomes filled with hot static like theres a fire in there.
i've been so utterly alone it stings to think about. i miss the warmth of another human. the feel of cold clammy hands meeting for the first time. the gentle naps you take on a quiet afternoon. the sunny morning conversations you share over a nice cup of tea. the cozy movie nights where you snuggle and share popcorn. the windy adventures with your mitten hands around each other's shoulder.

my thoughts always seem to betray each other.
for instance; i know that even though a meaningful relationship is something my heart is starved for. the fact that i am yearning for a girl-friend is cause enough to say i am not ready for a girlfriend. when you run head long into your desires, is when you fail to see the banana peel on the floor... i will be the first to admit i am not one for great strategy or planning. when i want something i go for it thats all there is to it. i don't plan i don't scrutinize i don't play games i just follow what my heart tells me.

well this is an incomplete thought.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

blind test.

"maybe i should give you a blind test.."

Friday, October 22, 2010

with her went my future.

"everyone knows a man ain't suppose to cry... Listen! i gotta cry! cause cryin eases the pain."

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

sucker for love.

am i cursed to live with my heart on my sleeve?!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

they make a pretty solid argument.

i thought this was pretty cool.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

the box.

a small excerpt from my thoughts notepad:

"they cherish their lovers as you cherish your box.. as the remnants of what remains of your love life floats away from you...


some stand waiting for love to happen. stranded. waiting for some divine wind to blow in their romeo, their juliet. imagine that... as if on a breeze a puff of cloud your dream blew in on a silver plater. some are oblivious to this and stand there and continue to wait asking "where is he?" "where is she?" you silly fool! you wait too long and your chance is gone! fate gives you but one chance to take hold of the reins and if you miss it ... well. you miss it. so many friends so many acquaintances. yet you remain alone. not even the thought of a promise to comfort. but the BOX! the box remains! that thread, that stitch, that remainder of hope in your humanity you have left.."

Monday, October 11, 2010

i think this is next on my watch list... it seems more relevant to me than just sleeplessness.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

poetry and me..

i posted that poem to explain a theory i have about relationships. but reading it i can only look back at it fondly. thinking about the way i felt and the things that were happening in my life. there are many regrets i have but i can't take back those memories nor would i for that matter. love is not for the faint of heart. and if you're not willing to feel every ache and moan of the heart then don't bother getting involved in anything other than a fling.

i just look back nostalgically. wishing i could write poetry as well as i could back then. . . .


ps. please don't think of me as over self indulged for posting that (i don't remember if i posted it twice...)
what more could be said?
that i have not already told you.
And these few moments I atone a lifetime lost.
What on this day holds greater then others?


that four letter word love.
oh ! she is elusive i know that much.
and these lines too serve little permanence.
because sweet and perfect things fade.
and the glory forgotten.
will there be a memory of your beauty?
flowers are a testament to the
fragile souls within our bodies.
just as easily wither away.
and their tender petals soft, wilt.
they guard their gentle hearts.
fear the scorns future holds.
you naive flowers.
no rose will last forever.
everyone knows beauty is temporary .
love is eternal.

to hold a promise is to hold a thousand dreams in your palm and to hold true is to protect them forever.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

i was right about this one...

there was something very special about this film

watch it! or borrow it from me.

Monday, October 4, 2010

something new tomorrow. just be patient...
i've heard this is great! i guess i'd better watch it then

really i think it's impossible to go wrong with anything by hayao miyazaki..

Sunday, October 3, 2010

if you haven't seen amelie i truly feel sorry for you.. .




Wednesday, September 29, 2010

my baby!!

thanks brian <3 <3 <3


my new baby!!! can't wait to make some films!!!!! like this

except better.


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

this is also easily one of my favorite movies

so heartwarming.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

of haters and lovers.


we all have them. in the metaphysical as well as the desires. i think every human has an ambition. a great goal to become something they've always longed to become, to go somewhere they've always wanted to go. as we grow from infants to children to adults there seems to be that one wish our hearts can not relinquish. and for good reason! if nothing else this brief ripple in time we call life is but a journey to that end goal. to become a pilot, to become an astronaut, to climb the highest mountain, to brave the longest quest, because as a child you see a problem and you see an answer you don't see all the complications adults see, you are naive and not cynical. children see homeless people: "why don't they have homes?" children see wars:"why don't they stop fighting.." no one can do that:"why not.." there is a great beauty in that. great beauty in the pure and simple logic of belief.

but as we age we become aware of all the 'what-ifs' and complications and the voices begin to turn against you. the thoughts in your heart become words of negativity and pessimism. you forget what it's like to be a kid. forget the wishes in your heart. one day you find out there is no santa clause, no easter bunny, no tooth fairy and suddenly the world is a cold and lonely place. cynicism is one of the things i hate most in people. like "what... you forgot how to dream?! whats wrong with you!..."

dreams are important. to dream a dream for your future, is to walk down a long and difficult path to reach green pastures. although our dreams may change as we grow we always keep them safe, keep them close. because everyone loves something! everyone is passionate about what they pursue! that is why you pursue it! we all have dreams i've established that right?
dreams that we can only hope come true, and we toil away day and night, night and day through hardships and hard falls. we get back up and keep pushing onward to be what we want to be go where we want to go. everyone loves something, yet it's always what you love that someone has to hate.

hate is also a part of growing up. when you move through life and so many of your dreams shatter before you, you learn to hate. you start letting everyone know how difficult things in reality are. how painful life can be. and as if your dream meant nothing you give up and follow a different path. one that perhaps everyone follows and is less strain less work less fruitful. we learn gradually how to hate. people always have to shit on your dreams. lifes not like being a kid anymore. eventually all those negative thoughts and voices unify to tell you nothing is possible and nobody can do that... the world is full of haters, so few dreamers ever survive to adulthood. there are many factors to blame for this. too many to list. and that my friends is a depressing notion. an endless list of heart poisoning dream killing factors.

BUT all is not lost. in fact there is no time for doom and gloom. and i'll tell you why. once you become enlightened to this ravenous plague you can do something about it! you can change the world! nothing is ever truly over, nothing is ever passed the point of no return. all you've got to do is start believing again! don't lose your dreams. NEVER LOSE YOUR DREAMS* dreams are the most important thing in life. a wise man once told me "no [one] can live without passion" i believe this fully. if you start believing again you can undo the damage you may have done in pessimism. believe in yourself! believe in all others! and always nurture and cradle the the dreams of children because one day they will grow up to be our future! you'll be glad you did it. glad you sheltered those beautiful dreams. i'm glad for those that ignore the hatred of the world. you know someone said "i want to fly" and everyone said it was impossible. but the wright brothers didn't listen and because they held on to that dream we have airplanes jets flight. impossible is a word that should not exist. because nothing is impossible belief is the key to all dreams. believe that you can do anything and you will see what i mean.

"he who says he can and he who says he can't are both usually right."

never give up.

ps. it took me a couple days to think of and write this.. so don't be angry i didn't break my promise, it just took a while.
this was amazing...

Friday, September 24, 2010

i really can't think of anything tonight..

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

i promise to write something tomorrow!!!!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010







Tuesday, July 20, 2010

lonely in a room full of people. everything seems to be lackluster in this world without someone to share it with.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Thursday, April 29, 2010

.... feels about right .

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

sweet redemption

it feels SOOOO GOOD!

i feel like this has been a long time coming. i knew i didn't deserve to be treated that way.. by anyone!
my mental state of mind was so off for a long time. i apologize for that immature post about "the best way to get over a girl..."
i was sort of just in this place of denial and pain. the things i endured put my logic into a blender and that was the end result. crazy ryan..

heres the thing.. the last few girls i was seeing were nucking futs! i put my all and invested my heart only to be abandoned with not even the slightest explanation. like "oh he'll understand.." and it's crazy some sort of memo must have gone out cause it wasn't just one girl that did that to me it was many.... like do i have a sign on my back or something. wtf. all those girls whom i deem a disgrace to their gender made me doubt myself. made me doubt who i was and killed what little confidence and self esteem i had. you don't treat someone like that. it was one of the worst parts of my life thus far. imagine building up to what seemed like a great relationship, investing a lot of yourself, your feelings, your thoughts, your energy, your time, only to be deserted there. and there you are just wondering wtf happened. do you know what kind of stuff that does to your brain? your heart?!!

i was made to feel inadequate, unattractive, unwanted... i deeply questioned what was wrong with ME?... but it was the wrong question. it was wtf was wrong with THEM!... cause now i know there IS nothing wrong with me. i'm just a regular guy. but a regular guy who a couple girls thought it would be fun to play games with... at the detriment of my own soul.

see i've met someone, and shes great! and it wasn't until being with her, and talking with her, chilling with her, that i realized there is nothing wrong with me at all.. it was all them. normal girls don't behave that way asking "why do you like me?" or "where is this going" just anything to make you question yourself. anyways none of that matters now. i'm happy with my life, happy with her! she makes me happy, and she makes me feel good about myself, and for a change she actually knows what SHE wants. smart, funny, SUPER intelligent, interesting, and beautiful!

finally i met a real girl. finally i have my redemption... .

Saturday, April 3, 2010

where is my mind these days?

i sure don't know.

no take backs only take forwards!

i don't have much of an explanation for my behavior or mental state. nor do i feel obligated to provide one. all i can say truly is i am lost and desperately need to be found. . . . new tumblr thing recent endeavor if you can call it that. check for bits and bobs there now and then mostly just my flicks.

thanks for your concern.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

what a profoundly emo post...

this is my anthem right now...

Monday, February 22, 2010

wishing people would understand when i am in pain..

Sunday, February 21, 2010

word up miles davis word up...

Thursday, February 18, 2010

prelude to a kiss

this song has been killing me! but you probably won't get it. the sound, the feel, the whole esthetic just quenches my thirst for sounds. hopefully you can appreciate it regardless of your love of jazz or not.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

A Drinking Song

Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
That’s all we shall know for truth
Before we grow old and die.
I lift the glass to my mouth, 5
I look at you, and I sigh.

- W.B. Yeats

Monday, January 18, 2010

the summation of my year ( at last ).

it has been a strange year for me. so many changes so many new things, and yet i almost feel i've done nothing of lasting importance. it's almost as if i turned on auto pilot for this year and just let it go by. i'm trying to think of some sort of profound change or amazing breath taking scene that occurred in the last three hundred and sixty five days, but theres nothing. truthfully i have made some new friendships and grown closer to a choice few but where does that leave me? a couple digits higher on facebook, great..... what it boils down to i guess is if there were a highlight reel of my life of the past year what would be on it. i imagine myself watching it and not being proud of a single moment. not because i've done despicable things, but because i feel i've accomplished so little.. maybe that is why i've avoided writing this for so long. maybe i'm just being overly critical of my life. the one thing that seems to elude me is a meaningful relationship. (of the female variety..)

it's been over a year since i broke up with you know who(not voldemort) and probably also a year since we've talked. i can not say for certain why this is. it could be my guilt, it could be her guilt. it could be both of our guilt and the things that transpired. whatever the reason for two people who were together for something like 5 years of our teenage and partly post teenage lives we certainly know how to avoid each other. which is by no means a easy thing. being that she lives just two blocks away and i'm sure we use the same skytrain. well hopefully her new boyfriend treats her the way she deserves.

me? do i feel guilty? of course i feel guilty. if anyone asks me what went wrong i don't deny i turned into a flaming asshole.. something and someone i am not.

flash forward to today. and yes i feel guilty not for what happened between her and i but just the whole situation in general. an irritating question has been plaguing my mind day in and day out. is it really better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all? do i rest easy in knowing the feeling of true love, or does it bane my existence? knowing the feeling and being without it. maybe shakespeare never had to worry about the next relationship. the sad truth is sometimes i curl up with a pillow next to me hoping for that warmth you can only get from a human being. not just any human, a girl, and not just any girl, a girl that loves you. because none of the variations without all of the above will be quite as relaxing to your mind and body. thats not all i miss..

i miss staying home on a saturday night just watching movies and eating popcorn.

i miss seeing photo booths as opportunities rather than reminders.

i miss dates.

i miss making the best of crappy situations.

i miss being someone's protector.

i miss having someone to call everyday.

i miss making mix tapes.

i miss...

i miss a lot of things..


you know.. well maybe you don't know. but sometimes i just feel really lonely. when i get like that i either break edge hard and go off the deep end just trying to numb the feeling, or i turn off the world and stick to myself hiding my misery. it's pretty stupid to not face my demons i know this... what is there to say about self destruction really? somebody save me?

but i digress this is supposed to be a summation. i can't really say anything i have not already gloated about earlier on this blog. new dance achievements new friends new jobs blah blah blah. i guess it was just an excuse to vent on my relationship issues. by the way i realize this blog has become what i hate: one of those stupid artsy hipster blogs with single pictures with vague descriptions and songs with no explanation.. for that i have no excuse but sheer laziness. well i'll get back to the real grit of my so called life you sickos love so much. don't be afraid to comment i'd appreciate input.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

this reminds me of happy summer bike ride days.

my internet has been craaaaaazy slow lately something is up. and that reminds me of the days of dial up.

Monday, January 11, 2010

favorite halfer of all time.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

yea that about sums it up.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

can't find love anywhere these days..

Friday, January 1, 2010

summation of my year.

will have to wait til tomorrow..