Monday, January 18, 2010

the summation of my year ( at last ).

it has been a strange year for me. so many changes so many new things, and yet i almost feel i've done nothing of lasting importance. it's almost as if i turned on auto pilot for this year and just let it go by. i'm trying to think of some sort of profound change or amazing breath taking scene that occurred in the last three hundred and sixty five days, but theres nothing. truthfully i have made some new friendships and grown closer to a choice few but where does that leave me? a couple digits higher on facebook, great..... what it boils down to i guess is if there were a highlight reel of my life of the past year what would be on it. i imagine myself watching it and not being proud of a single moment. not because i've done despicable things, but because i feel i've accomplished so little.. maybe that is why i've avoided writing this for so long. maybe i'm just being overly critical of my life. the one thing that seems to elude me is a meaningful relationship. (of the female variety..)

it's been over a year since i broke up with you know who(not voldemort) and probably also a year since we've talked. i can not say for certain why this is. it could be my guilt, it could be her guilt. it could be both of our guilt and the things that transpired. whatever the reason for two people who were together for something like 5 years of our teenage and partly post teenage lives we certainly know how to avoid each other. which is by no means a easy thing. being that she lives just two blocks away and i'm sure we use the same skytrain. well hopefully her new boyfriend treats her the way she deserves.

me? do i feel guilty? of course i feel guilty. if anyone asks me what went wrong i don't deny i turned into a flaming asshole.. something and someone i am not.

flash forward to today. and yes i feel guilty not for what happened between her and i but just the whole situation in general. an irritating question has been plaguing my mind day in and day out. is it really better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all? do i rest easy in knowing the feeling of true love, or does it bane my existence? knowing the feeling and being without it. maybe shakespeare never had to worry about the next relationship. the sad truth is sometimes i curl up with a pillow next to me hoping for that warmth you can only get from a human being. not just any human, a girl, and not just any girl, a girl that loves you. because none of the variations without all of the above will be quite as relaxing to your mind and body. thats not all i miss..

i miss staying home on a saturday night just watching movies and eating popcorn.

i miss seeing photo booths as opportunities rather than reminders.

i miss dates.

i miss making the best of crappy situations.

i miss being someone's protector.

i miss having someone to call everyday.

i miss making mix tapes.

i miss...

i miss a lot of things..


you know.. well maybe you don't know. but sometimes i just feel really lonely. when i get like that i either break edge hard and go off the deep end just trying to numb the feeling, or i turn off the world and stick to myself hiding my misery. it's pretty stupid to not face my demons i know this... what is there to say about self destruction really? somebody save me?

but i digress this is supposed to be a summation. i can't really say anything i have not already gloated about earlier on this blog. new dance achievements new friends new jobs blah blah blah. i guess it was just an excuse to vent on my relationship issues. by the way i realize this blog has become what i hate: one of those stupid artsy hipster blogs with single pictures with vague descriptions and songs with no explanation.. for that i have no excuse but sheer laziness. well i'll get back to the real grit of my so called life you sickos love so much. don't be afraid to comment i'd appreciate input.


vuudoo said...

rye, first and foremost about the previous year if it wasn't up to your expectations you know what to do. this is 2010 and things need to get shook up.
while we're still in our youth we can't afford to dwell onto the past. gotta live life and get moving.

about la femme, I know how it replays in your mind like some old home video. all the little things that trigger those replays. when we least expect it and throws on this craptastic 'coaster ride of despair. best advice I can give is to keep busy and bury yourself in mountains of productivity to numb it out, don't even think about the deep end.

expect a call from me in the near future. stay strong fam.

Anonymous said...

I don't know you but I was just browsing through blogs and ended up going through your entries. I can relate to a lot of the things you write about, and can I just say that you write really well. It's not contorted or contrived, but you seem to be just writing straight what's on your mind--and I admire that. Not to be all preachy but I find that reading the Bible helps. You may or may not be religious but the Bible has some pretty beautiful words that has a way of perfectly wording how humans feel. Try 2Corinthians..