Thursday, April 30, 2009

Sunday, April 26, 2009

pressure makes diamonds baby

i don't know why i made that title. . . haha. i sort of do. it comes under the pretense that my mom just gave me a "what are you gonna do with your life" speech. i could some up my feelings on that issue as frustration, anger, disappointment, disillusion, and shame. frustration for the multiple rejection letters received in the mail, and the epic transcript mix up which set me back another semester. anger for why life seems to put this expiration date on my brain and life, like if i don't go to school i'll never learn and i'll never succeed. disappointment for myself. disillusion because i keep telling myself i'll get it together for the fall by then i'll be happily sitting in my class room. and finally shame, shame for telling myself lies, shame for telling everyone "yes i'll be going to school in the fall" when i don't know at all if i will be going in the fall.

"mom... don't tell me i need to go to school!... I KNOW THAT I NEED TO GO TO SCHOOL."

it's little frustrating talking to my mom about school, or anyone for that matter. it's probably my most hated subject of all subjects. my mom makes it seem like i'm just dicking around and don't care about my life. when i do.. i have dreams and aspirations. i'd like to have a job and house and beautiful wife and kids. i know what i need to do. but at the same time i shut myself out and lie to myself.

i wanna be an english teacher mom. i wanna travel the world mom. i want to make you proud mom. i want to take care of you and dad mom... here it comes out so easy.. but in real life it just fails to be.

God i need a revelation. . .

Saturday, April 18, 2009

what guides you...

do you follow your heart or your head? when a situation comes up where i need to make an important decision i've always followed my heart. this has gotten me into some pretty awkward and sticky situations but for the most part i never regretted them. if you follow your heart you're not worrying about the "what ifs" you just know what to do. what i don't understand is why people turn that little guy off and just listen to their brain.

this reminds me a lot of dancing. when someone dances and looks in the mirror they're not following the music, they're following their brain. as opposed to just listening to the music and a interpreting the music with your emotions. making the sounds into shapes and feelings and creating your own flavor. mirrors for dancing are bad because you're not being you, you're just making yourself look like the you you want to be. without mirrors everything just flows out with ease. but i'm kinda eccentric about dance like that. i could just be a weirdo.

what i'm trying to get at here people is if you're too afraid to follow your heart take chances get messy make mistakes(-miss frizzle words to live by) you miss out on experiencing life. you will never know the meaning of love, you will never know the meaning of pain, you will never know the meaning of loss. until you invest your heart in something fully. why would you want to feel true pain you ask? you can't be afraid to look stupid or take risks or even hurt. i'd rather feel true pain then be numb. you feel with a true spectrum of emotion. i have to write stuff like this people need to be reminded stuff that happens in movies does happen in real life.

live life following your heart i promise you won't regret it. take chances invest fully lose fully feel pain fully life is too short to wait a lifetime to feel fulfilled. you don't want to wake up 20 years from now next to someone you kinda love and have two kids and nothing exciting to talk about. live life love life listen to your heart.

a chance at happiness is better then a guarantee of sadness