Sunday, April 26, 2009

pressure makes diamonds baby

i don't know why i made that title. . . haha. i sort of do. it comes under the pretense that my mom just gave me a "what are you gonna do with your life" speech. i could some up my feelings on that issue as frustration, anger, disappointment, disillusion, and shame. frustration for the multiple rejection letters received in the mail, and the epic transcript mix up which set me back another semester. anger for why life seems to put this expiration date on my brain and life, like if i don't go to school i'll never learn and i'll never succeed. disappointment for myself. disillusion because i keep telling myself i'll get it together for the fall by then i'll be happily sitting in my class room. and finally shame, shame for telling myself lies, shame for telling everyone "yes i'll be going to school in the fall" when i don't know at all if i will be going in the fall.

"mom... don't tell me i need to go to school!... I KNOW THAT I NEED TO GO TO SCHOOL."

it's little frustrating talking to my mom about school, or anyone for that matter. it's probably my most hated subject of all subjects. my mom makes it seem like i'm just dicking around and don't care about my life. when i do.. i have dreams and aspirations. i'd like to have a job and house and beautiful wife and kids. i know what i need to do. but at the same time i shut myself out and lie to myself.

i wanna be an english teacher mom. i wanna travel the world mom. i want to make you proud mom. i want to take care of you and dad mom... here it comes out so easy.. but in real life it just fails to be.

God i need a revelation. . .

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