Monday, November 24, 2008

the cynic


1a person who sees self-interest as the primary motive of human behaviour, and who disincline to rely upon sincerity, human virtue, or altruism as motivations.
-a person who questions wether something will happen or wether it is worthwhile.

oscar wilde said a cynic is "A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing"

so yesterday was my birthday. another year older but not any wiser. this year was really strange and i'll tell you why. it all started about four weeks ago when my sisters started asking for my christmas list.(we do that in my family) when they asked i couldn't think of anything i wanted so i just sort of ignored the question. a week went by, and still i didn't want anything. and this continued right up until yesterday where they threatened me they'd give me nothing for my birthday. and i said "thats fine." not because i'm bitter or stubborn but because i honestly can't think of anything i need or want.

i started to thinking why am i like this? do i really have everything? am i truly that altruistic to void myself of wanting...? NO . then what the hells wrong with me. if people wanna give you free stuff you take it! don't you? i mean presents are free stuff right? maybe this is just another case of me avoiding life. me avoiding birthdays. great next thing you know i'll be looking for ducks at the pond and wearing stupid red hunting hats screw you caulfield i'm not you.. i don't know why i didn't want anything.

i miss love.
what a great feeling.

Monday, November 17, 2008

the truth shall set you free.

it's time to tell the truth. i feel like it's been such a long time since i was honest with myself. i know who reads this and i have no problems sharing whats on my mind, frankly i don't care about putting my personal insights for others to read. i've been quite open with my whole process. to me it's odd that you read this janice. i knew you've been reading for a long time now even before we broke up. and in a way i resent that. i try to make one place where i can talk about my life without any weight of judgement on me from you. i don't involve myself in your life by choice. i don't even look at your facebook... i don't have any part in your life and thats fine by me, all that matters to me is that you're happy and safe. knowing those two things i don't care about anything else.

in the past month i've given a lot of thought to my life and many of my circumstance. my job, i hate. my school, i don't go to. my girlfriend, i broke up with. my conclusion is... i'm avoiding everything. i hate my job, it's so damn boring. i know all i have to do is quit and find a new job but i feel so discouraged when no one hires me.. it seems like everyday i tell myself to just apply to school. maybe i'm just lazy i think subconsciously i'm just avoiding complicating my life.

i ask myself everyday why things are the way they are. and to be honest i don't know or just don't remember. is it that i'm stubborn? all i can remember is getting yelled at first for telling someone stuff about you whom by the way i don't talk to and never told anything to..?!? and second for being weird. God i wish girls came with an instruction manual. what chain of events lead to this avoidance? it's been so long i don't even remember. who really is being the bigger person here? can either of us actually claim such a title? i think that all this internet jibber jabber is just that jibber jabber. when one of us swallows our pride picks up a phone and dials the others number then we will know who the bigger person really is. until then you can't really claim to be the bigger person. i know i'm not. look at me, resorting to this. man i wish guys didn't have to be the bigger person. . .

girls are messed up i hope my son turns out gay so i don't have to hear about all this junk.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

can't see em coming down my eyes, so i gotta make this post cry.

i understood when they wouldn't hire me. i understood when they didn't accept me. i understood when we had to break up.
but when they talked trash right to my face. i changed. i can't understand why. i'm sick of people walking all over me.
i decided that day no one will ever put their feet on me again. no one will ever take me for granted again.
bboying has always been my drive but i had no idea it would make me change like this.

i mean you back into a corner your whole life.. there comes a point where enoughs enough. something snaps something changes. i'm not letting people push me aside anymore.

"i'm not afraid of dying, i'm afraid of not trying"

Saturday, November 8, 2008

"you need to get raw."

something kyle told me. kyle is a weird accent fobby korean kid. but the dudes got maaaaaaaad heart . in a cypher hes not afraid of anybody. hes a good bboy and surprisingly a good friend too.

after bboying for a week i come to a wall. my productivity has come to a halt. i've been doing a lot of traveling practise something that i feel is very important to every bboy. you can't only be good on your own turf . anyways, back on topic i recently discovered a new level to push myself to. i need to stop limiting myself by what my logic tells me and just be raw with it. just step into the circle and take my confidence back. i think i haven't been raw in a long time. and it's time i take it back. otherwise why should i put so much time and energy, blood sweat and tears into this.

a man cannot live without passion. if you have no passion you need to check your pulse.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

summer breeze all in my mind.

ipod i love you. in these days when i feel one price check away from meltdown. my music and my bboying are saving my sanity.
i'm counting the days until my parents get sick of my bs and bitch slap me for free loading.
they have great patience.

but to the point recently my life has been all about avoidance and a lack of balls could be the cause of this.
life throws me one little speed bump and i wimp out completely. i can't keep living in this bubble. if i don't live my life i'll be full of regrets . these are weird old feelings i kinda think it has something to do with being a young single guy again.
girls.. those mythical elusive creatures.

it's time to start planning for the hoko trip and get back to my blogging duties skitch and via well mostly skitch is counting on me!

ugh stupid uncle ben and his advice with the damn great power comes greater responsibility rant uaihfgnkdjafbn&(*!&Y#UIhnjke!^$%#^&*%%#&^*^

Monday, November 3, 2008

stuff i think about:

why is p.diddy such an evil bastard?
why does a 24/7 store need locks?
if blue is the new black who the hell said black was so good?
what is that weird little black dot that i see floating around when i close my eye?
whats the point of flava flave?
will t payne ever not use a vocoder?
why do people complain about plastic bags when every single thing you buy is packaged in either styrofoam cardboard or plastic?
why not buy in baulk you hypocrites no just hipos.