i'm a coward...

there is a recurring theme in shakespeare's hamlet: failure to action and over thinking his course of actions spiral him further and further into his own thoughts and deep depression.

i feel like that when i see her. it's been a long time since i've felt like this. it's been a long time since i've been afflicted so seriously with an infatuation. i'm driving myself crazy… yes i find myself being attracted to women i meet or come across but not so much to this degree.  not so much to this level of anxiety and butterflies. she is MY TYPE to the very definition of my dna and fibre of my soul. it's easy to be attracted to someone's appearance but it's not easy to find a mind and heart that match so closely to your desire.. i don't know whats wrong with me… is it because i was hurt in the past? what is the reason i can't find the courage to just ask her out. i tried to force it out of me today and i had the perfect opportunity but at the last second i hid in my shell and before i knew it the chance passed. i find myself telling myself every week "this will be the day i finally do it and good or bad at least i'll have an answer…" but again and again i fail my own heart.

 i need to just nut up or shut up…  i'm tired of being alone. i'm tired of having nothing to look forward to.. i'm tired of my own cowardice. i'm tired of having no one to share my victories and defeats.


i feel like i'm in high school all over again.