Saturday, June 6, 2009

masks II


my mask..
it wasn't too long ago i began to question my beliefs. it seemed there were many loop holes in my understanding. i tell ya it's a funny thing being a christian, you find yourself so alive with nothing but hope and positive thinking, but the further you go along you discover all these critical questions you need to answer for yourself. like "what my friends are doing looks like it's so fun! am i wasting my life?" "if someone can meet God at any point in their life and still go to heaven then why don't i just live how ever i want to live and go back to being christian when i'm old..." "Jesus drank wine right?.. so does that mean i can drink beer? how much beer?" hahaha i seriously asked myself that. i wasn't born into a christian family, i became a christian when i was 17, any knowledge i acquire about being christian is from life experience, what i read in the bible, and what i hear on sundays. i don't have a mom dad or brother to ask these questions to, it puts me in an awkward position. . so when i should have picked up my bible instead i picked up a beer. and when i should have gone to cell group i went to the club. i figured so long as i don't get drunk, so long as i don't swear or smoke or get angry... i'm fine.. this was a bad idea. i wish i could have said right away this is a bad idea i'm going home, but i didn't. i kind of liked it meeting new people and hanging out with people my age. pretty soon i was sucked into a life that wasn't mine and i began to lose myself behind a mask. my original hesitations were lost, and i had told the little voice in my heart to shut up so many times.. i began to forget my moral compass in my other jacket you know the one with the cross and the bible, naw i left that one at home. drifting further and further until i was so deep under all the bs of secular life i forgot who i was. i think initially my excuse was "i'm sad i deserve this" "i'm lonely i can get away with drinking.. it numbs the pain" i believe it was at the peak of my emo break up days. it wasn't until i met up with my old pastor that i got the reality check i needed. he reminded me of the courage it takes to walk blindly towards happiness, the prayer that moves mountains and the "rollercoaster" that is christian life. of course i never told him the inner conflicts i put myself through, too ashamed of the stupid mask. so after our coffee/chat i went home and i prayed "God i made a mistake. . . i may be a million steps away from you but i know it's always just one step back." that night i wrote masks, picked up my bible, picked up my cross and continued where i had left off. it's been a crazy couple of months. and i've learnt many valuable lessons both christian and secular about people things life and myself.

maybe you don't care about anything i said, maybe you think none of this applies to you or your life, that YOU don't wear a mask. well i'll tell you what, i'm sure at some point everyone in this world has worn a "mask" and has betrayed their heart. thats not the important thing, the important thing is what do you do about it? do you continue to be someone you're not? or do you recognize the mask on your face and throw it out.

we all have a choice. thats the beauty of it.

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