give it wings.

nothing golden can stay forever. it's not sad it's beautiful. to me the key is not to try so hard to retrieve that old feeling but instead to leave the door open to allow new happiness to enter.

what does it mean.

wondering lately what does it all mean? what is any of this? and why does it matter? some fucking albert camus shit... i just got back from a trip to seattle and i thought being home in my native land i'd feel normal again. instead i still feel like life is a dream.. when i was in america it was such an odd sensation being out of my comfort zone and out of any place of responsibility i was literally outside of my own life looking in at why the grass might be greener. but instead of mass doses of inspiration all i had were realizations and surreal interactions of complacent life. all in all it was a good trip for me but all the same a bit of a shallow one. i had no expectation going in but upon exit from this weird state of being i was thrust back in to my life of responsibilities and frustrations. it was like i left my home and comfort and energy to embody a grey zone then expecting to retrieve my own life i was stuck in the grey. i catch myself in the dead end state of mind wondering what is all this shit. how did i come to be this age and this level in my life with so little to grasp to? what holds me to reality? what is worth all this struggle? i understand work and hard work are valuable and time is precious and also feelings and the heart are priceless... but why am i reliving this weird limbo so vividly. am i bipolar? wtf is this odd sensation.... i feel lost in my own life. maybe upon retrospect all this will just be like mindless chatter of my emo brain. right now it certainly feels very real. my theory and this is the frist thing that pops in to my head: is that i left home thinking escaping my problems would allow me the freedom to contemplate my plan of attack deeper and find my happy thought. instead upon arrival my problems magnified in my mind and just festered to a weird greyness. nothing is solved nothing is improved nothing is stronger i am just back to my nest. further more maybe my plan and vision of attack was stronger in focus when i was working towards leaving hahaha. the bonds of maya... fuck.

i'm so tired of being alone.

in the immortal words of Al Green "i'm so tired of being alone" ... and i'm fucking sick of people who are in relationships giving me advice. if you don't remember what it's like being single don't tell me how to be. how to find love.. like just because you're in a relationship you're all of a sudden an expert on being a single bachelor. fuck that shit. i know friends are just trying to help. but to me in these sort of situations the best "help" a friend can give is: just listen.  i'm so tired of being alone. and now at my age i feel a longing for deeper relationships. none of these women are capable of fulfilling my heart's desires.... maybe i'm just not searching hard enough or maybe it stems from a low confidence or maybe i have a high standard? every women i come across seems to be overly damaged. i know that we all carry our baggage but i apparently either am attracted to or attract only fucking insane women. 

the one for me is out there and i know it. the woman of my dreams.. i'm not a misogynistic prick or a even an overly shallow man my needs are simple.. yet .. over and over again i make a misstep and pick someone entirely stupid or stubborn or self centred or illogical.. no one is perfect i am not delusional in this regard i just know what i want.  this person must be close to my dream because i intend to treat her as my Queen.. and far too often i've given the wrong women attention and worked too hard for a frivolous end. 

there are a lot of shitty bitter people out there. and lots of broken hearted women with their guards up. like we're all walking around with our fragile hearts all bandaged up putting on a show to appear stronger than we really are when in fact we're all just as scared to be broken again. so deeper and deeper the true heart that feels and believes in fairytales the true heart we're all born with gets put deeper into the pit of all our self doubts. like a bunch of little babies wearing grown up costumes.  

a ship is safe in a harbour.. but then again that's not what ships are for!! 

nobody wants to put their heart on the line and be real. always always i'm walking around meeting people wondering "what is your damage" ... i know my damage but being real is not it.. and i can't stand fake people. like how hard is it to just be yourself?! to just listen to your heart and speak up when something makes you angry! be sad when something makes you feel down... too many emotionally retarded people out there just put on the mask of happiness in all situations.  when someone is only ever happy that is just not real.. scientifically it's impossible. the chemicals in your brain that make you truly happy can not operate 24/7 if you were happy all day every day your brain would fry... that is why when i see someone who constantly pretends to be nice and happy i know they are fake. but if a person is both ying and yang sinner and saint lover and hater that is reality that is someone who's love for you is genuine and yes maybe they are always nice to you.. but it's because they in fact like you and your personality. 

who will save my soul (rhetorical: i will save my soul.) 

i'm just so tired of being alone. 

realness.

      i'm realizing lately ... everything in life is about truth. the one true underlying factor to all things and interactions boils down to truth. a person can be fake or a person can be real. and it is MUCH harder to be real. we are always encountering new people asking ourselves "what is this person's damage?" because we all have some kind of baggage even the bravest and strongest of us have some kind of hurt or complex we can't let go of. no one is perfect far from it we are mostly weird and messed up it's just that we've all learned how to put on this happy face for the world to see. it's almost like that movie pleasantville everyone wants to show the world they are impervious to pain anger damage. everybody tries sooo hard to be this super-you where you can balance a million things and relationships and make everyone happy and make everyone love you... but what does it all mean? it means to me people are scared of simply being true being REAL. if you let your anger show every time or your sadness every time or your pain and hurt feelings every time how many stupid explosive situations could be avoided. but no.. instead about 80 - 90% of society has this silly ideal of passive aggression... no one wants to dialogue and understand each other.. instead we've settled ourselves with this fucking stupid ass idea of:


 "Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference."


 i'm sorry mark twain but i bet you were one passive aggressive pompous mother fucker cause that to me tells me you always believe in your own knowledge never to attempt to find a middle ground. once a person thinks they know everything and stops trying to learn(from greater or lesser minds)THAT is when you've become the fool. once you stop learning you will indefinitely stop succeeding and stop growing as a human being. you mine as well be dead if you stop being a student. to me stubborn and stupid are the same word. albeit there is a good kind of stubborn but thats not what i'm talking about. i'm talking about the fucking dumb ass kind of stubborn that refuses to budge an inch in their mentality. those kind of people that are static in their thinking and refuse to change or evolve. they become stuck. rationality is just such a sexy beautiful quality! a rational person hears an argument and weighs the truths in their mind maybe comes to a mutual understanding maybe disagrees but at least they can think critically about whats in front of them. then a dialogue ensues either one of agreement or argument to try and appeal to the opposing human's perspective and help them to see the validity of their view. if you feel passionately about something you fight and you listen to your heart. feelings intuitions are something we forget and ignore favouring our brain's logic... but is this for the better always? we as human animals have the same great instincts as the eagle in the sky that just feels it in his bones there will be fish where he dives. or the same feelings a gazelle has when it feels it is being watched by a lion and bolts like the wind. we as humans have these same great sensibilities that animals in the wild have. because we separated ourselves so far from nature we tend to forget it.


 instead we like to favour our logic over our emotions and instincts which to be honest isn't necessarily always a bad thing. sometimes a person IS simply too fucking stupid to reason with. sometimes a situation IS in vain and frivolous in nature. that is why you know when to fight and when to "not outshine the master" pick and choose your battles as any wise military leader or tactician would. flee one day to overthrow another. but i digress. truth is the one denominating factor of life. those that seek to find and observe the realities and truths will be raised to a new level of consciousness. i sound like a quack but you know what until you try to live life the way i do never running from my feelings never hiding from something i disagree with never being passive instead being active and rise to action you will not understands my words.


 you are stubborn. you are stuck.


 i live life with no regrets and no fear. i fear fear. i rather die standing than live kneeling. my honour my word mean something to me. so i am truthful: if i think someone is lame i let them know and tell them why, if i think someone is cool i praise them and let them know they are a good person. i bully the bullies cause who else will. and if you think i am a hypocrite and a bully myself then go ahead and attack me and my logic and i'll show you how good my heart is how strong my intellect is. it's like i said i am ALWAYS down to dialogue and learn from every encounter. perhaps THAT is why i am this strong... because through facing adversity and overcoming it that is what gives me strength and helps me grow.."what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"(from bushido not dumb song lyric)


 look.. shit happens that is inevitable we will always be faced with problems greater than our capabilities or minds and we can either in the words of master yoda "do or do-not there is no try!" rise or fall but you must try! the way you react counts most because it is your reaction to shitty things that defines you.


 i am not the absolute truth no one or thing is... i prefer to be seen as lower and lesser. always the student never the master i just want to learn and grow every day! so don't blindly believe these words i write instead think about them struggle with them attack them critically with your mind and maybe confront me and lets debate what we see to be true and what to be false. i am NOT stubborn i am VERY rational. come to your own conclusions on what life is to you. a wise man once told me


 "the secret to life is..... we all find our own secret to life."












 have a nice day my beautiful homies. ;)

days go by.

we are all dying yet we choose to ignore it. when you're young it's easy to forget time is precious life is precious this present conscious moment is precious. then suddenly you're old and dying and riddled with regrets of days gone by..  it's like a daily ritual of mine to forget i'm breathing and that life is a miracle. always always back to drifting through life like it's some pass time.

if i actually treated my life like it could end tomorrow i wouldn't be living like this. i wouldn't be so complacent thats for sure. i let so many things slip through my fingers and i hate myself for it. you know those moments when you feel it in your bones that something is supposed to happen or something is supposed to be said and then you just let it go and let the coward in your heart be in control. those moments you really regret not being the hero of your story… would that kind of shit even happen if that split second you were reminded our time is not infinite and opportunities pass…

i'm a coward...

there is a recurring theme in shakespeare's hamlet: failure to action and over thinking his course of actions spiral him further and further into his own thoughts and deep depression.

i feel like that when i see her. it's been a long time since i've felt like this. it's been a long time since i've been afflicted so seriously with an infatuation. i'm driving myself crazy… yes i find myself being attracted to women i meet or come across but not so much to this degree.  not so much to this level of anxiety and butterflies. she is MY TYPE to the very definition of my dna and fibre of my soul. it's easy to be attracted to someone's appearance but it's not easy to find a mind and heart that match so closely to your desire.. i don't know whats wrong with me… is it because i was hurt in the past? what is the reason i can't find the courage to just ask her out. i tried to force it out of me today and i had the perfect opportunity but at the last second i hid in my shell and before i knew it the chance passed. i find myself telling myself every week "this will be the day i finally do it and good or bad at least i'll have an answer…" but again and again i fail my own heart.

 i need to just nut up or shut up…  i'm tired of being alone. i'm tired of having nothing to look forward to.. i'm tired of my own cowardice. i'm tired of having no one to share my victories and defeats.


i feel like i'm in high school all over again.

“Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.”

—	Henry Miller

ryeone.

this is something i'm pretty proud of. i remember being really stoked after i finished putting it together. and then i decided to show my mom because i was that proud of myself(i've never shown her any video of my dancing before this..) and after watching it(and watching me run off to practise and disappear for long hours into the night and day at least once a week for the last 7 years...) all she said was "that looks like it hurts.." it's funny when we fall short of our parent's expectations. it doesn't matter if everyone in the world is stoked on you if your parents don't care it's worthless.

 

 as i'm becoming more sure of who i am and what i understand of the world i'm starting to be able to appreciate my self identity more and more. not to the point of ego(which is a pitfall of my previous youthful mindset...) but just a self happiness that i don't care what anyone thinks of me. i'm just happy. 


hope you enjoy it my creepy peeps
 love and respect

-rye

to dust.

while i was on my way home a couple weeks ago the thought struck me: it's all in vain.  i was sitting on the skytrain looking out the window at all the lights and the buildings and construction. all i could think of was how fleeting everything is in the face of eternity. the human race is constantly pushing forward new technology new medicine new understandings. but how long does it last? how long does anything last? as i was looking at the buildings go by i felt a sudden pang in my heart. as large and sturdy as any building may appear they all have an expiry date. wether it be to replace the old with the new or to fulfill the need of an exponentially growing population... all things fade and become old and worn even concrete turns to dust. who decides what is worth saving and what is to be forgotten? at what point is something considered heritage and not garbage. i've often pondered the thought of being forgotten.

think about it like this. do you own anything that belonged to your grand parents? yes maybe? how about your grand parent's parents or their parent's parent's parents.. this is confusing.. i know that some families have heirlooms that go back many generations but my point is of all your possessions what will be around in a hundred years? of all your most precious possessions what will your grand children's children hold on to? and what will those things mean to them?

i don't know about you but i don't truly know anything personal about people who lived a thousand years ago all i know is they lived in a very different world than i do. we can get a glimpse into their lives through writing yes but can we ever actually feel what they felt exactly the same way they felt it? can you ever truly feel someone else's pain? you can put yourself in their shoes but you can't put yourself in their skin and live their life the way they live it. and so our everyday lives are just like shadows walking around caught in a endless cycle of greed and "progress" and "dog eat dog". we are a spec upon a spec upon a spec.. we forget that space and time are infinite and the drama in our minuscule lives will easily become dust in time. . .

humans are animals... we pretend like we're separate from nature... but we're just dressed up chimps acting as serious as possible. always separate... we incapsulate ourselves within castles, move around in bubbles, deeper and deeper into our own delusion that we are somehow superior to birds in the sky or beasts in the forest. that is why we believe it's our right to control things because we somehow believe we're all separate beings. we're all on this planet together! we're all animals too! your shit stinks just like mine. so why the need to feel superior or for that matter inferior. we all just want to be happy... pride and ego are a human invention. you ever see a gazelle grazing in grass and suddenly the gazelle is like "FUUUUCK YOU GRASS!!" no... the base nature of any animal is chill relax go with the flow look up at the clouds see that they're moving. if you're moving so fast through life you'll miss half the adventure when you move too fast you forget the clouds are moving you have to stop a second to stare at them and realize they are in fact moving.. stress and pressure turn us into the scary kind of animals the animals that hurt or hunt for fun or fight and kill for territory or a mate... we spend our lives constantly seeking approval from everything around us parents, siblings, friends, coworkers the opposite sex, our own gender.. everything is in the garnering of other people's social and economic approval why is it the last person we worry about being good enough for is ourselves. at the end of the day it's your life and you're the one who has to live it ev-ver-y-day. be the hero of your own story. nothing is ever too late to change or start or become. you can be whoever you want to be thats the beauty of this thing life.

every human should learn to not take themselves so seriously. just laugh at yourself once in a while.. know that you can't please everyone (not even yourself sometimes) just because you can go fast doesn't mean you know how to go slow.



ps. i'm realizing more and more just how many people find me repulsive in my thinking. lets sit down and have a chat. talk about life see where i'm at i'll see where you're at. we can be real with each other and debate/dialogue what it means to be a human on this planet. i'm not afraid to be stupid... lets understand each other.

love and respect
-rye

this is something i wrote for my tumblr followers but it's something i think about everyday. i deleted a sentence where i said "theres enough nerds in this world to pick up the slack." and months later i decided to take that part out because i felt like an asshole for calling smart hard working people nerds. i think when i wrote it i was feeling stressed out about my lack of  progress in life and lack of achievement. i think certain people are content with a life of monotony and thats perfectly fine for them. but if you're ignoring your creative talent...... thats a real shame. the world needs more dreamers less suit and tie serious faces. those serious faces are the ones tricking our youth in to wars they have no ideological fight in... if we had more free thinkers the world would be such a better place.

"When one man, for whatever reason, has the opportunity to lead an extraordinary life, he has no right to keep it to himself."
-Jacques Yves Cousteau



anyways before i go off on a crazy tangent here is what i wrote:

overtime

"if you want to accomplish anything in this world you NEED TO PUT IN WORK! there are too many whiny lazy people saying: “i’m too tired!” … “its been a long day!” … “i’ll do it tomorrow…” … until you are ready to work beyond your limit you will never discover the success you hope for. 

dreams don’t just fall out of the sky and into your lap. newsflash: working an 8 hour day at a dead end job is not putting in work, it is being responsible. but being responsible and taking control of your future are two different things. don’t get caught up in the way of thinking “it’s been a long hard day my job is done!” your job is done when you’re successful AND happy. overtime.. putting in work is working hard on the things you are passionate about: dance, art, music, fashion etc…  working hard at the things that hardly feel like work are the things worth working hard at haha..(if that makes sense) because you are passionate about it you will work harder at it and you will develop talent and excel. you need to ask yourself “am i average? or am imore?” if you are more then you need to prove it by working hard at what you love when no one is there, when no one is watching you, when no one is paying you, even when no one cares. because if you put in enough work and enough time and sweat and heart people will notice, opportunity will be there, and you will find your worth. i can’t guarantee it will be easy.. in fact i promise you it will be difficult. it will be difficult but it will be rewarding. and frankly if it’s not difficult you’re doing it wrong. you don’t want to wake up one day to a bullshit monotonous job that you hate.. wondering “what if i kept playing guitar?” .. “what if i kept drawing?” .. ” what if i kept dancing?” life is risk + talent + hard work + resilience = reward. 

pursue your passion not the paycheque.. "

edit: i should also clarify at the time i was trying to get my crew to get back into bboying and creative work and to stop making excuses about missing practises. this is not directed at any person in particular i'm trying to speak to a broad range. if it strikes a chord in you then perhaps instead of searching for more apologies in me search for answers within you.

love and respect

-rye

transparency.

there is something to be said about transparency. the world we live in today so few people can embrace their true feelings. i don't know if it's just easier for me because thats the way i was brought up? or something i've learned over time.. the underlying fact is i do not run from the way i feel. i confront it head on in my thoughts. take this blog for example. there may be about a handful of posts i deleted because i thought either: "no thats stupid.. and crazy and i shouldn't say that.." or "what if they read that.." but for the handful of posts i have deleted i've left up many more confusing and just plain ignorant posts... why? because thats me. thats the truth of how i felt at that time. maybe it's too public for some to be comfortable with but you know what.. i don't hide behind a facade. i don't lie about my life to appear stronger or wiser i'm just me. transparency . i'm a person that can't stand to see injustice or closed minded thinking. i have to speak out! i have to fight! because if i don't i know everyone will just gladly go with the the path of least resistance like sheep being herded into a pen. everyone is too scared to be heard too scared to be real. if you were real you wouldn't be anonymous when you post a comment. or you wouldn't read and not comment.




 the world could stand to be challenged once in a while. anything i write i'm open to accept the criticisms because if i didn't feel as strongly as i did why would i write the things i write? the same goes for an idea : if an idea or logic is sound in its validity then it can take a poke or a prod and it will stand firm because it is the concrete truth. but people get the wrong perception of me that i just blatantly put things on blast because i find it fun or something..



do you know how scary it is to stand up to someone when everyone agrees with them?



transparency in thinking and feeling is better than a build up of emotions and thoughts to the point of pain or worse loss of relationship. we're all only human. no one is perfect.. yet i see soo many people walking around like nothing ever gets to them.. like a disagreement is something to be shoved deep inside until you can't see it or feel it and just forget about it. to me i think this is the definition of "tolerance" ..

why has the world come to terms with this word "tolerance" and deem it to be positive? make no mistake TOLERANCE IS NOT THE SAME AS ACCEPTANCE. with acceptance comes understanding.

isn't tolerance the same as saying "yea you believe what you want to believe you weirdo i'm sound in my own beliefs."





tol·er·ance:

   /ˈtälərəns/ Noun The ability or willingness to tolerate something, in particular the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with.

is tolerance higher than understanding? if not then the only way to understanding is challenge or dialogue.





i get this weird feeling every time i see someone who i haven't seen in a while. like they look at me and see into my thoughts or they think they see into my thoughts based off of what they read here. but i don't know who reads these things. i have a small idea but no concrete evidence just a feeling. based off of who i've been surprised to find out reads this blog.. i've come to the conclusion it's possible for anyone to come across my blog or for multiple weirdos to share my blogs amongst themselves and comment to each other what they think is wrong with me. and to you who secretly read with the creepiest of invested attention i say go ahead i don't care. just don't lie to my face when we see each other and pretend like your an outsider to my world. if you're reading the things i write then go ahead and challenge me applaud me or hate me it's better than being a fake or anonymous... the whole reason the title of my blog is "rynonymous" is because i find it funny when people are afraid to show who they are. afraid to show how they feel. afraid to be seen as wrong or stupid. if you're afraid you never learn anything. to my longtime close personal friends this is not directed to you nor you my fellow blogging buddies who i've known since the days of xanga. they get a pass because they know me in reality not just over the internet. they see my face and hear my voice and tone and know i'm just a struggling human like every other wretch on this blue dot. they see my kindness and thoughtfulness in action which will alway ALWAYS be better than an assumption based off of written words.











i'm not perfect and i know it. i have some qualities that might irk some and inspire others but i'm not afraid to just be me. i'm not afraid to step on someones toes to show them their closed minded thinking. and so is it an ugly thing that i don't hide my heart or mind? am i wrong to voice an opinion? if no one challenges my thinking how can i grow and change these things seen as negative attributes? i'm not a mind reader. i'm a human animal like you.(but thats a post for another day)











i'd like to end off saying i know i've done some bad things and questionable things but i'm just me.. you're just you.. we're all just hurt broken people trying to make the best of everything life gives us. to say you've never been hurt or pained by something is ignoring the truth, to say you've never put your foot in your mouth for some stupid shit is ignoring that you're human, to say you've never made a mistake is ignoring that we're all not born perfect saints. our flaws are our character and they define us. i'm sorry if i've ever hurt you, i'm sorry if my actions or behaviour have made you feel pain or hurt. i've got a lot of love to share with everyone if they just talk to me and ask me and understand me.



don't be another anonymous.


love and respect -Rye

cold heart.

my heart has been so cold for so long.






 i was shaving in the mirror the other day and a sudden wave of realism struck me. as i stood there staring myself in the face.. involved in a act that in essence is a representation of growing up. i thought to myself "you're still a child.." ... "you're a grown man.. yet you behave like a small child.." in a split second realization of my life i understood how i may come off as abrasive in many contexts. i was forced to reconsider many of my actions in the past 5 years of my life. the good the bad and the very bad.. i spiralled into deep contemplation of my actions and what i've said and it made me draw pause for some serious re-thinking of the way i'm heading. i'm not a hateful person. i'm not even a vengeful person... but i do believe (now after long personal reevaluation) that i'm probably a bitter person. i've taken the pain from past events in my life and i turned it into a jaded self importance. maybe a way of deflecting my hurt feelings.


 
  we are our own worst enemy.



i am my own worst enemy. i screwed myself out of a lot of things. it's this mentality of "i'm always right." ... or "i always have to be right." being that way has ruined a lot of my relationships and rightfully so. no one wants to be around someone who can't show vulnerability. in a way it's a frightening realization of suddenly waking up to find you are your parents(none of the good parts just the bad...) i hate that i've forgotten how to love people. when i was a better christian i never thought twice about my ability to love. it just came so easy. everyday you remind yourself to love... can i even call myself a christian anymore? i don't know. anyways by the time i finished shaving i realized i was just staring myself in the eyes trying to recognize myself. i stood there for what felt like an eternity. at the end of it i resolved to find my worth. my worth in other people's lives. i also resolved to make love my mission statement. even though i've done and said some shitty things.. the best i can do is try and undo the wrong with many and frequent good deeds and love and selflessness. you can't make someone forgive you.. the best you can do is move forward with a constant positive agenda.

two important self reminders.


 

break life retrospective.

       recently i had a "why do i dance?..." "whats the point of it all?..." existential moment. periodically throughout my life i am prone to these bouts of extreme despair. i'm not sure what to attribute this to? perhaps my lack of confidence. (when surveying my previous posts that "my needs met?" post certainly stands out and makes me come off as a bit shallow and narcissistic. which makes it difficult to believe i lack confidence..) perhaps it's my high asian standards? perhaps it's my ability to be heinously over analytical? ... i think more than anything i was just disgusted by what my dance form has become.

i don't really feel like giving you a crash course of the origins of bboying so educate yourself! to an outsider's eye bboying looks like it's just about flashy moves and backflips and gymnastics."who can spin on their head the longest?!"..... which couldn't be further from the truth. like any dance form it's all about expression feeling intuition music.. or at least thats what i thought it was about.. when i competed recently i was reminded that not all dancers appreciate creativity and originality. to some, bboying is just a matter of regurgitating sporadic catchy moves on beat. the art is lost. so instead of the dance being an art form it is a sort of homage to the forms and ideals of the first bboys. i guess there is nothing wrong with that. am i saying there are a lot of purists? maybe. i guess since i hold creativity and originality in such high regard i see more purists than what is the reality...

is it just a matter of me finding out my beliefs are a sham? or am i righteous in my feelings of disgust?

whatever the case that competition sent me into a spiralling pit of self pity and yes despair. i think it's a normal part of breaking to hit a wall wether it comes from frustration of inner conflict and plateauing, or a uncontrollable exothermic reaction of circumstance. every bboy has this moment of "why am i doing this?" and it's a simple matter of wether you know in your heart or you shit-simple can't figure out why you dance.  a lot of people hit this wall and suddenly lose purpose. thats why you see a lot of kids start it up then by the time they're 18 they're gone.

i started bboying when i was 17 i am now 24...  7 years of this dance has taught me so many worth while lessons about life and respect and hard work! 7 years of crashing moves, 7 years of rolled ankles, 7 years of floor burns, 7 years of injured wrists shoulders sprained fingers, 7 years of callused hands, 7 years of sweat blood and tears, 7 years of not making it to finals. no one ever taught me how to quit. . . .  if you do something you should do it to the best of your ability otherwise why the fuck do you do it? wake up every day with the sole purpose of exacting your skill and sharpening your mind from sun up to sun set. i just feel like you can't quit things so easily.. cause life's not easy. fuck competitions! fuck prize money! fuck stupid people who can't appreciate creativity!  what it boils down to is how much i LOVE this dance and what joy the pure expression of my own movements gives me.


ask yourself "what in my life do i do just for me?" not out of obligation,  not for someone else, not for money, not for a companion or you parents, not for respect. just. . . .







you.

letter to the big guy upstairs.

hey God...





    i'll never stop believing in you. i'll never stop praying and thanking you for all the miracles in my life. i'll never stop loving you... i just don't think you're this tight wod that needs constant attention and worship. i think spending time relating and loving other humans is what you would prefer. regardless of what some ancient text says about how i should act and live at the end of the day i'm just me and it feels like i have to figure things out for myself...

as always i'm still learning how to be a better human being and i feel i have many more lessons to learn about compassion and love.. i also still worry A LOT about people thinking i'm fake and that i do things with underlying intentions.. but.. at this stage in my life i feel like i'm finally comfortable with who i am and it feels great! it took 24 years.. and lots of mistakes! but i wouldn't turn back and change a thing. thanks for never leaving me. :) every day is a chance to learn and grow and love. i hope someday we can have a long chat about my life. in the meantime i'll try not to get into tooo much trouble... and i will continue to cherish every moment of my life like a precious gift.

in your sons most precious name. amen.

<3

truth.

you kids are too young to remember this

what i was thinking about all across canada.




sigh.....

for people who don't know how to love.

close your eyes and expand your mind.

my needs met?

i've always been a big predicator of the idea that your geographic position is not a factor of your mindset. i mean people are people no matter where they are... there is no reason you should act a certain way depending on where you plant your seeds. maybe it's just me but i've realized so many females in vancouver are wack with poo brain.. frankly i can not get my needs met by these women. maybe you are a woman and you are reading this and you're thinking "wtf is he talking about?!" but that just goes to prove you are in fact "one of them" your typical vancouver-girl .


if someone is born blind and you don't tell them they're blind. they'll just think they're normal.


let me tell you what i'm looking for and tell me if this is a common type of girl here.

looking for... . . . . .

young intelligent open minded attractive female.

a thoughtful thinker with understanding and compassionate mind.

NOT picky about race, eye colour, hair colour (although do have slight favouring for either asian [of any variety] or mediterranean brunette beauty. also a huge fan of freckles)

must be dog person, brownie points for dog and bird person.

MUST enjoy outdoors. regardless of weather conditions!

MUST be able to climb trees.

CANNOT be picky eater.

MUST LOVE movies!!!!!

active and perhaps semi athletic are a plus.

preferably someone who likes:
-wes anderson movies
-miles davis
-j dilla
-al green
-marvin gaye
-sam cooke
-big bowls of salad
-sunsets/sunrises
-vinyl
-jd salinger
-cormac mc carthy
-midnight bike rides
-surprises
-tribe called quest
-jean michel basquiat
-new york
-the taste of purple fruit loops
-mixtapes
-snuggles
-radiolab
-big L
-amelie
-and star gazing for hours.






now it wouldn't be fair of me if i stated a bunch of demands and didn't list a few of my positive (and negative) qualities. . .
i think no matter what i write this will come off as narcissistic... so i won't even put on the vail of disillusion.. sometimes i can be a narcissist /: however that is very rare. as i'm far too shy and introverted for that.

i'm a highly self conscious and am a perfectionist. critical thinking is probably my biggest asset and weakness.. as i will constantly over think a situation like "should i kiss her.. what if my breath stinks. what if she just wants to be friends. what if she slaps me! what if it grosses her out what if what if what if!!!!!" when it should just be "lean in and kiss her ya dummy..."

i am kind of intuitive.

i eat healthy . live healthy. ride a bike( but i can drive...) i love nature. i love interacting with nature. i am an expert tree climber. i can swim faster than the average human as i was a competitive swimmer for 15 years. there is a bag full of speedos somewhere to prove it.

it goes without saying that i am athletic and will always be athletic.


i enjoy exercising my brain as well. not academically speaking though. i spend much of my spare time reading and thinking about life's egocentricities. i think a lot of douche bags say that.. but i actually do read and i do enjoy critical thinking. i can tell you the last five books i've read and the days i started and finished them. . .

i have a very distinct taste in films. i'm highly knowledgable in the realm of film history.

adventure is key.
adventure is key in my life. life is for living and i take the idea of carpe diem to heart. fortune favours the bold.
i like riding my bike til i'm lost then finding my way home.
or just going until i can't go anymore.
swimming in lakes rivers oceans, trespassing into people's pools.
sucker for beautiful sunrises and sunsets. starry nights and autumn leaves. rain puddles to splash the shit out of.

i am also loyal, open minded, free spirited, and opinionated. blah blah blah. why are you still reading this..





let me know if you've got someone that fits the bill. because i've about had it with this city.