Friday, January 18, 2013

cold heart.

my heart has been so cold for so long.

 i was shaving in the mirror the other day and a sudden wave of realism struck me. as i stood there staring myself in the face.. involved in a act that in essence is a representation of growing up. i thought to myself "you're still a child.." ... "you're a grown man.. yet you behave like a small child.." in a split second realization of my life i understood how i may come off as abrasive in many contexts. i was forced to reconsider many of my actions in the past 5 years of my life. the good the bad and the very bad.. i spiralled into deep contemplation of my actions and what i've said and it made me draw pause for some serious re-thinking of the way i'm heading. i'm not a hateful person. i'm not even a vengeful person... but i do believe (now after long personal reevaluation) that i'm probably a bitter person. i've taken the pain from past events in my life and i turned it into a jaded self importance. maybe a way of deflecting my hurt feelings.

  we are our own worst enemy.

i am my own worst enemy. i screwed myself out of a lot of things. it's this mentality of "i'm always right." ... or "i always have to be right." being that way has ruined a lot of my relationships and rightfully so. no one wants to be around someone who can't show vulnerability. in a way it's a frightening realization of suddenly waking up to find you are your parents(none of the good parts just the bad...) i hate that i've forgotten how to love people. when i was a better christian i never thought twice about my ability to love. it just came so easy. everyday you remind yourself to love... can i even call myself a christian anymore? i don't know. anyways by the time i finished shaving i realized i was just staring myself in the eyes trying to recognize myself. i stood there for what felt like an eternity. at the end of it i resolved to find my worth. my worth in other people's lives. i also resolved to make love my mission statement. even though i've done and said some shitty things.. the best i can do is try and undo the wrong with many and frequent good deeds and love and selflessness. you can't make someone forgive you.. the best you can do is move forward with a constant positive agenda.

two important self reminders.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love this post. Just keep up with the good vibes Ryan, and from there on, everything just happens to fall into place.