days go by.

we are all dying yet we choose to ignore it. when you're young it's easy to forget time is precious life is precious this present conscious moment is precious. then suddenly you're old and dying and riddled with regrets of days gone by..  it's like a daily ritual of mine to forget i'm breathing and that life is a miracle. always always back to drifting through life like it's some pass time.

if i actually treated my life like it could end tomorrow i wouldn't be living like this. i wouldn't be so complacent thats for sure. i let so many things slip through my fingers and i hate myself for it. you know those moments when you feel it in your bones that something is supposed to happen or something is supposed to be said and then you just let it go and let the coward in your heart be in control. those moments you really regret not being the hero of your story… would that kind of shit even happen if that split second you were reminded our time is not infinite and opportunities pass…

i'm a coward...

there is a recurring theme in shakespeare's hamlet: failure to action and over thinking his course of actions spiral him further and further into his own thoughts and deep depression.

i feel like that when i see her. it's been a long time since i've felt like this. it's been a long time since i've been afflicted so seriously with an infatuation. i'm driving myself crazy… yes i find myself being attracted to women i meet or come across but not so much to this degree.  not so much to this level of anxiety and butterflies. she is MY TYPE to the very definition of my dna and fibre of my soul. it's easy to be attracted to someone's appearance but it's not easy to find a mind and heart that match so closely to your desire.. i don't know whats wrong with me… is it because i was hurt in the past? what is the reason i can't find the courage to just ask her out. i tried to force it out of me today and i had the perfect opportunity but at the last second i hid in my shell and before i knew it the chance passed. i find myself telling myself every week "this will be the day i finally do it and good or bad at least i'll have an answer…" but again and again i fail my own heart.

 i need to just nut up or shut up…  i'm tired of being alone. i'm tired of having nothing to look forward to.. i'm tired of my own cowardice. i'm tired of having no one to share my victories and defeats.


i feel like i'm in high school all over again.

“Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.”

—	Henry Miller

ryeone.

this is something i'm pretty proud of. i remember being really stoked after i finished putting it together. and then i decided to show my mom because i was that proud of myself(i've never shown her any video of my dancing before this..) and after watching it(and watching me run off to practise and disappear for long hours into the night and day at least once a week for the last 7 years...) all she said was "that looks like it hurts.." it's funny when we fall short of our parent's expectations. it doesn't matter if everyone in the world is stoked on you if your parents don't care it's worthless.

 

 as i'm becoming more sure of who i am and what i understand of the world i'm starting to be able to appreciate my self identity more and more. not to the point of ego(which is a pitfall of my previous youthful mindset...) but just a self happiness that i don't care what anyone thinks of me. i'm just happy. 


hope you enjoy it my creepy peeps
 love and respect

-rye

to dust.

while i was on my way home a couple weeks ago the thought struck me: it's all in vain.  i was sitting on the skytrain looking out the window at all the lights and the buildings and construction. all i could think of was how fleeting everything is in the face of eternity. the human race is constantly pushing forward new technology new medicine new understandings. but how long does it last? how long does anything last? as i was looking at the buildings go by i felt a sudden pang in my heart. as large and sturdy as any building may appear they all have an expiry date. wether it be to replace the old with the new or to fulfill the need of an exponentially growing population... all things fade and become old and worn even concrete turns to dust. who decides what is worth saving and what is to be forgotten? at what point is something considered heritage and not garbage. i've often pondered the thought of being forgotten.

think about it like this. do you own anything that belonged to your grand parents? yes maybe? how about your grand parent's parents or their parent's parent's parents.. this is confusing.. i know that some families have heirlooms that go back many generations but my point is of all your possessions what will be around in a hundred years? of all your most precious possessions what will your grand children's children hold on to? and what will those things mean to them?

i don't know about you but i don't truly know anything personal about people who lived a thousand years ago all i know is they lived in a very different world than i do. we can get a glimpse into their lives through writing yes but can we ever actually feel what they felt exactly the same way they felt it? can you ever truly feel someone else's pain? you can put yourself in their shoes but you can't put yourself in their skin and live their life the way they live it. and so our everyday lives are just like shadows walking around caught in a endless cycle of greed and "progress" and "dog eat dog". we are a spec upon a spec upon a spec.. we forget that space and time are infinite and the drama in our minuscule lives will easily become dust in time. . .

humans are animals... we pretend like we're separate from nature... but we're just dressed up chimps acting as serious as possible. always separate... we incapsulate ourselves within castles, move around in bubbles, deeper and deeper into our own delusion that we are somehow superior to birds in the sky or beasts in the forest. that is why we believe it's our right to control things because we somehow believe we're all separate beings. we're all on this planet together! we're all animals too! your shit stinks just like mine. so why the need to feel superior or for that matter inferior. we all just want to be happy... pride and ego are a human invention. you ever see a gazelle grazing in grass and suddenly the gazelle is like "FUUUUCK YOU GRASS!!" no... the base nature of any animal is chill relax go with the flow look up at the clouds see that they're moving. if you're moving so fast through life you'll miss half the adventure when you move too fast you forget the clouds are moving you have to stop a second to stare at them and realize they are in fact moving.. stress and pressure turn us into the scary kind of animals the animals that hurt or hunt for fun or fight and kill for territory or a mate... we spend our lives constantly seeking approval from everything around us parents, siblings, friends, coworkers the opposite sex, our own gender.. everything is in the garnering of other people's social and economic approval why is it the last person we worry about being good enough for is ourselves. at the end of the day it's your life and you're the one who has to live it ev-ver-y-day. be the hero of your own story. nothing is ever too late to change or start or become. you can be whoever you want to be thats the beauty of this thing life.

every human should learn to not take themselves so seriously. just laugh at yourself once in a while.. know that you can't please everyone (not even yourself sometimes) just because you can go fast doesn't mean you know how to go slow.



ps. i'm realizing more and more just how many people find me repulsive in my thinking. lets sit down and have a chat. talk about life see where i'm at i'll see where you're at. we can be real with each other and debate/dialogue what it means to be a human on this planet. i'm not afraid to be stupid... lets understand each other.

love and respect
-rye

this is something i wrote for my tumblr followers but it's something i think about everyday. i deleted a sentence where i said "theres enough nerds in this world to pick up the slack." and months later i decided to take that part out because i felt like an asshole for calling smart hard working people nerds. i think when i wrote it i was feeling stressed out about my lack of  progress in life and lack of achievement. i think certain people are content with a life of monotony and thats perfectly fine for them. but if you're ignoring your creative talent...... thats a real shame. the world needs more dreamers less suit and tie serious faces. those serious faces are the ones tricking our youth in to wars they have no ideological fight in... if we had more free thinkers the world would be such a better place.

"When one man, for whatever reason, has the opportunity to lead an extraordinary life, he has no right to keep it to himself."
-Jacques Yves Cousteau



anyways before i go off on a crazy tangent here is what i wrote:

overtime

"if you want to accomplish anything in this world you NEED TO PUT IN WORK! there are too many whiny lazy people saying: “i’m too tired!” … “its been a long day!” … “i’ll do it tomorrow…” … until you are ready to work beyond your limit you will never discover the success you hope for. 

dreams don’t just fall out of the sky and into your lap. newsflash: working an 8 hour day at a dead end job is not putting in work, it is being responsible. but being responsible and taking control of your future are two different things. don’t get caught up in the way of thinking “it’s been a long hard day my job is done!” your job is done when you’re successful AND happy. overtime.. putting in work is working hard on the things you are passionate about: dance, art, music, fashion etc…  working hard at the things that hardly feel like work are the things worth working hard at haha..(if that makes sense) because you are passionate about it you will work harder at it and you will develop talent and excel. you need to ask yourself “am i average? or am imore?” if you are more then you need to prove it by working hard at what you love when no one is there, when no one is watching you, when no one is paying you, even when no one cares. because if you put in enough work and enough time and sweat and heart people will notice, opportunity will be there, and you will find your worth. i can’t guarantee it will be easy.. in fact i promise you it will be difficult. it will be difficult but it will be rewarding. and frankly if it’s not difficult you’re doing it wrong. you don’t want to wake up one day to a bullshit monotonous job that you hate.. wondering “what if i kept playing guitar?” .. “what if i kept drawing?” .. ” what if i kept dancing?” life is risk + talent + hard work + resilience = reward. 

pursue your passion not the paycheque.. "

edit: i should also clarify at the time i was trying to get my crew to get back into bboying and creative work and to stop making excuses about missing practises. this is not directed at any person in particular i'm trying to speak to a broad range. if it strikes a chord in you then perhaps instead of searching for more apologies in me search for answers within you.

love and respect

-rye

transparency.

there is something to be said about transparency. the world we live in today so few people can embrace their true feelings. i don't know if it's just easier for me because thats the way i was brought up? or something i've learned over time.. the underlying fact is i do not run from the way i feel. i confront it head on in my thoughts. take this blog for example. there may be about a handful of posts i deleted because i thought either: "no thats stupid.. and crazy and i shouldn't say that.." or "what if they read that.." but for the handful of posts i have deleted i've left up many more confusing and just plain ignorant posts... why? because thats me. thats the truth of how i felt at that time. maybe it's too public for some to be comfortable with but you know what.. i don't hide behind a facade. i don't lie about my life to appear stronger or wiser i'm just me. transparency . i'm a person that can't stand to see injustice or closed minded thinking. i have to speak out! i have to fight! because if i don't i know everyone will just gladly go with the the path of least resistance like sheep being herded into a pen. everyone is too scared to be heard too scared to be real. if you were real you wouldn't be anonymous when you post a comment. or you wouldn't read and not comment.




 the world could stand to be challenged once in a while. anything i write i'm open to accept the criticisms because if i didn't feel as strongly as i did why would i write the things i write? the same goes for an idea : if an idea or logic is sound in its validity then it can take a poke or a prod and it will stand firm because it is the concrete truth. but people get the wrong perception of me that i just blatantly put things on blast because i find it fun or something..



do you know how scary it is to stand up to someone when everyone agrees with them?



transparency in thinking and feeling is better than a build up of emotions and thoughts to the point of pain or worse loss of relationship. we're all only human. no one is perfect.. yet i see soo many people walking around like nothing ever gets to them.. like a disagreement is something to be shoved deep inside until you can't see it or feel it and just forget about it. to me i think this is the definition of "tolerance" ..

why has the world come to terms with this word "tolerance" and deem it to be positive? make no mistake TOLERANCE IS NOT THE SAME AS ACCEPTANCE. with acceptance comes understanding.

isn't tolerance the same as saying "yea you believe what you want to believe you weirdo i'm sound in my own beliefs."





tol·er·ance:

   /ˈtälərəns/ Noun The ability or willingness to tolerate something, in particular the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with.

is tolerance higher than understanding? if not then the only way to understanding is challenge or dialogue.





i get this weird feeling every time i see someone who i haven't seen in a while. like they look at me and see into my thoughts or they think they see into my thoughts based off of what they read here. but i don't know who reads these things. i have a small idea but no concrete evidence just a feeling. based off of who i've been surprised to find out reads this blog.. i've come to the conclusion it's possible for anyone to come across my blog or for multiple weirdos to share my blogs amongst themselves and comment to each other what they think is wrong with me. and to you who secretly read with the creepiest of invested attention i say go ahead i don't care. just don't lie to my face when we see each other and pretend like your an outsider to my world. if you're reading the things i write then go ahead and challenge me applaud me or hate me it's better than being a fake or anonymous... the whole reason the title of my blog is "rynonymous" is because i find it funny when people are afraid to show who they are. afraid to show how they feel. afraid to be seen as wrong or stupid. if you're afraid you never learn anything. to my longtime close personal friends this is not directed to you nor you my fellow blogging buddies who i've known since the days of xanga. they get a pass because they know me in reality not just over the internet. they see my face and hear my voice and tone and know i'm just a struggling human like every other wretch on this blue dot. they see my kindness and thoughtfulness in action which will alway ALWAYS be better than an assumption based off of written words.











i'm not perfect and i know it. i have some qualities that might irk some and inspire others but i'm not afraid to just be me. i'm not afraid to step on someones toes to show them their closed minded thinking. and so is it an ugly thing that i don't hide my heart or mind? am i wrong to voice an opinion? if no one challenges my thinking how can i grow and change these things seen as negative attributes? i'm not a mind reader. i'm a human animal like you.(but thats a post for another day)











i'd like to end off saying i know i've done some bad things and questionable things but i'm just me.. you're just you.. we're all just hurt broken people trying to make the best of everything life gives us. to say you've never been hurt or pained by something is ignoring the truth, to say you've never put your foot in your mouth for some stupid shit is ignoring that you're human, to say you've never made a mistake is ignoring that we're all not born perfect saints. our flaws are our character and they define us. i'm sorry if i've ever hurt you, i'm sorry if my actions or behaviour have made you feel pain or hurt. i've got a lot of love to share with everyone if they just talk to me and ask me and understand me.



don't be another anonymous.


love and respect -Rye

cold heart.

my heart has been so cold for so long.






 i was shaving in the mirror the other day and a sudden wave of realism struck me. as i stood there staring myself in the face.. involved in a act that in essence is a representation of growing up. i thought to myself "you're still a child.." ... "you're a grown man.. yet you behave like a small child.." in a split second realization of my life i understood how i may come off as abrasive in many contexts. i was forced to reconsider many of my actions in the past 5 years of my life. the good the bad and the very bad.. i spiralled into deep contemplation of my actions and what i've said and it made me draw pause for some serious re-thinking of the way i'm heading. i'm not a hateful person. i'm not even a vengeful person... but i do believe (now after long personal reevaluation) that i'm probably a bitter person. i've taken the pain from past events in my life and i turned it into a jaded self importance. maybe a way of deflecting my hurt feelings.


 
  we are our own worst enemy.



i am my own worst enemy. i screwed myself out of a lot of things. it's this mentality of "i'm always right." ... or "i always have to be right." being that way has ruined a lot of my relationships and rightfully so. no one wants to be around someone who can't show vulnerability. in a way it's a frightening realization of suddenly waking up to find you are your parents(none of the good parts just the bad...) i hate that i've forgotten how to love people. when i was a better christian i never thought twice about my ability to love. it just came so easy. everyday you remind yourself to love... can i even call myself a christian anymore? i don't know. anyways by the time i finished shaving i realized i was just staring myself in the eyes trying to recognize myself. i stood there for what felt like an eternity. at the end of it i resolved to find my worth. my worth in other people's lives. i also resolved to make love my mission statement. even though i've done and said some shitty things.. the best i can do is try and undo the wrong with many and frequent good deeds and love and selflessness. you can't make someone forgive you.. the best you can do is move forward with a constant positive agenda.

two important self reminders.