has anyone ever told you two wrongs don't make a right?

people make mistakes, that is their nature. some mistakes outweigh others by a certain degree but they are all mistakes in the end. mistake by definition is a wrong doing or a failure resulting in a deviation of the planned outcome or in simple terms someone did you wrong or messed something up unintentionally(and that is key here UNINTENTIONALLY)

now unintentionally can be interpreted in many different meanings. like they didn't mean to do it, or they did it and realized it was the wrong thing to do, or they did it and later knew it was wrong. any way you want to look at it what i'm trying to say is nobody does something bad or messes up on purpose. if that were true we wouldn't need erasers blah blah you know that whole bit. i hate it when people try to cover up their mistakes with excuses. i guess thats just what kind of society we live in. "NO! YOU CAN'T MAKE MISTAKES!!!" ... "you ruined everything" ... "you're fired!" we need an excuse to cover up our blunders for the simple fact that mistakes are unacceptable. and to a certain extent i agree mistakes should be corrected or else we'd live in a world of disorder and lined out phrases and scribbles. but sometimes there is something beautiful about mistakes . potato chips, corn flakes, play doh, microwaves, all things discovered by accident. sometimes i wonder if erasers really make this world a better place. but there i go going off on a tangent. what i was trying to explain is why do we burn bridges over a mistake? sure they messed up but who doesn't? you might wanna say "well look what she did!" it's our jobs as fellow human beings to forgive, show mercy like you'd want done to you. you wanna tell me "but i never did THAT!" like what was done to you is unforgivable. and maybe you're right maybe it's "unforgivable" then what chance do any of us have? we're all prone to making mistakes, no?
i judge the caliber of a person not on their ability to avoid making mistakes, but on how they treat people who do.. if you say so and so messed up and point a finger then you'd better look at your hand and know there are three more fingers pointing right back at YOU! it's easy to turn your back on someone. it's a lot harder however to say you are forgiven.

a fellow memoir writer recently wrote a blog on how this world could use a bit more understanding, and a little more humility. and it got me to thinking mistakes are natural, forgiving is not. why not take the path less traveled, try something new for a change and forgive. forgive because you make mistakes too. lets try and stop perpetuating this world of "NO! YOU CAN'T MAKE MISTAKES!!!" ... and change it to "i understand."

this has been a blog filled with many random thoughts i hope you got the just of it.

update: this is kind of a bite off another blog i just realized... oh well.

we're all so stupid

why is it people refuse to be humble? does it feel good to kick people while they're down? or is it that it happened to you so you're allowed to do it to others? 

the big question here is why perpetuate hate? people are so stupid.. don't you have better things to do with your life then spread hatred and pain? try this look yourself in the mirror and tell me what makes you so special? i think outkast put it the best when they said:

"I know you'd like to thank your shit don't stank 
But lean a little bit closer 
See that roses really smell like poo"

God i can't stand people that think they're "different" that they're "above it all" when really you're stirring up just as much shit as you're involved in. and you ask why me why me!! well i'll tell you why.. because you ask for it. live by the gun die by the gun, those are the rules of life. no matter how much you'd like to believe you don't deserve it.

the truth is.... it's not worth it. to live a life full of drama and hate it's simply a waste of your time and others and i'll tell you why. the bad thing about having a friend that you gossip with is that you can be sure as the sky is blue that that friend talks shit about you too. talk about people behind their back and know that you too are being talked about. live by the gun die by the gun. i'm not saying it all stops when you stop, but when you stop caring it stops mattering. and when gossip and hate stop mattering a huge weight is lifted off our shoulders. the funny thing about what i've said is we are special. everyone has an infinite amount of potential but people are too bogged down by their ways, too busy with surface level things to see it, to know it. we are all better than this. the next time you feel like talking about so-and-so try thinking about what makes you so much better... and try talking about the bad things about yourself. and if that still doesn't work and you can't shut your stupid mouth then just go ahead and talk about me, and hate on me. because i'm going to live my life regardless of what you say. and i'm going to go on going on. whatever you say can't stop me from being all i can be. 

why this world is so full of hate i will never know. 

jockin on the wrong door..

be forewarned this is going to be a blog with many different thoughts and a lot whining.

what pops into mind right now are movie titles, this is how i rationalize life and reality, with the utterly fake? yea i know... anyways, movies like when harry met sally, a lot like love, the notebook , and ooh finally a book great expectations. what do these have in common? they're all about people who meet under the wrong circumstance or the wrong time and just don't work it out. but in the end in true hollywood form manage to get it together by the end. (with one exception to the list. i won't tell you just in case you haven't watched or read them all)

what i'm getting at here is maybe i've been jockin on the wrong door... perhaps somewhere down the road her and i will meet and that will be the right time, or perhaps not even at all. it's a hard thing to do to tell yourself it was never meant to be, it's a even harder thing to tell your self you'd better move on. it's like if your mom kicks you out of your house. it's easy to sit there on the lawn, it's the hardest thing on the planet to walk away.

a lot of questions have been kickin around this big ole noggin o'mine. a lot of deep philosophical questions, questions that if i write down i will be called lamesauce so i won't. instead i'll tell you about my trip.
next week i'm going to pay all my bills, buy some food, a helmet, some spare tools, a map, and venture off on my bike. where ever the road takes me. no phone no computer just what i can carry on my back and my bible. weather permitting and God willing i'll only be gone for 3 days. thats roughly one and a half days ride as far away from civilization as i can get.

why the hell would you do something like that?

maybe i watch too many movies. maybe my life lacks adventure, or maybe i'm sick and tired of living around so many fake people... everyone pretending they are exactly what they aren't. sick of the man bringing me down. sick of bills, sick of girls, sick of people, sick of myself trying to fit into people's lives. sometimes you just need to escape it all, y'know? find yourself before you lose yourself. anyways, hopefully i find what i'm looking for. . .

i'll post the pictures when i get back.

inner conflicts.

i feel a deep need to go somewhere and become lost in my thoughts and meditate. the inner conflicts of my mind and heart have pushed me to this edge. it feels a lot like they're both afraid to betray the other. my mind over flowing with what ifs why nots how comes, my heart with passions and pains. the melting of the mind and the dislocation of the heart calls for a definite sabbatical away from life away from work and away from people. people, who are the cause and effect of it all. people whom i love, whom i can't stand, people whom i'm afraid of, these are the things i need to get away from. my pastor said something interesting today, he said

"you expect a comfortable life as a christian?! jesus died on the cross he suffered for hours, days, his blood poured onto the floors!!! how can you expect your life to be comfortable?... you can expect living on this path of being a christian to always be uncomfortable, if you're living in the comfort zone your whole life... then you are not living a christian life my friend."

i guess my expectations for life were a bit too soft. living loving feeling is tough business. you need to work hard for every single inch you get or else you just slip and slide back down hill, and i don't want that! not for anything! if i'm going to fail at happiness then it's going to be because there is nothing else i can do about it, it's going to be because i tried my hardest but it just wasn't meant to be. people so often follow their minds over their hearts... somebodies gotta bring the love back nawmean ? hahaha
k thanks for reading creepers bye

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wz2_N_9ggHI

pressure makes diamonds baby

i don't know why i made that title. . . haha. i sort of do. it comes under the pretense that my mom just gave me a "what are you gonna do with your life" speech. i could some up my feelings on that issue as frustration, anger, disappointment, disillusion, and shame. frustration for the multiple rejection letters received in the mail, and the epic transcript mix up which set me back another semester. anger for why life seems to put this expiration date on my brain and life, like if i don't go to school i'll never learn and i'll never succeed. disappointment for myself. disillusion because i keep telling myself i'll get it together for the fall by then i'll be happily sitting in my class room. and finally shame, shame for telling myself lies, shame for telling everyone "yes i'll be going to school in the fall" when i don't know at all if i will be going in the fall.


"mom... don't tell me i need to go to school!... I KNOW THAT I NEED TO GO TO SCHOOL."

it's little frustrating talking to my mom about school, or anyone for that matter. it's probably my most hated subject of all subjects. my mom makes it seem like i'm just dicking around and don't care about my life. when i do.. i have dreams and aspirations. i'd like to have a job and house and beautiful wife and kids. i know what i need to do. but at the same time i shut myself out and lie to myself.

i wanna be an english teacher mom. i wanna travel the world mom. i want to make you proud mom. i want to take care of you and dad mom... here it comes out so easy.. but in real life it just fails to be.












God i need a revelation. . .

what guides you...

do you follow your heart or your head? when a situation comes up where i need to make an important decision i've always followed my heart. this has gotten me into some pretty awkward and sticky situations but for the most part i never regretted them. if you follow your heart you're not worrying about the "what ifs" you just know what to do. what i don't understand is why people turn that little guy off and just listen to their brain.

this reminds me a lot of dancing. when someone dances and looks in the mirror they're not following the music, they're following their brain. as opposed to just listening to the music and a interpreting the music with your emotions. making the sounds into shapes and feelings and creating your own flavor. mirrors for dancing are bad because you're not being you, you're just making yourself look like the you you want to be. without mirrors everything just flows out with ease. but i'm kinda eccentric about dance like that. i could just be a weirdo.

what i'm trying to get at here people is if you're too afraid to follow your heart take chances get messy make mistakes(-miss frizzle words to live by) you miss out on experiencing life. you will never know the meaning of love, you will never know the meaning of pain, you will never know the meaning of loss. until you invest your heart in something fully. why would you want to feel true pain you ask? you can't be afraid to look stupid or take risks or even hurt. i'd rather feel true pain then be numb. you feel with a true spectrum of emotion. i have to write stuff like this people need to be reminded stuff that happens in movies does happen in real life.

live life following your heart i promise you won't regret it. take chances invest fully lose fully feel pain fully life is too short to wait a lifetime to feel fulfilled. you don't want to wake up 20 years from now next to someone you kinda love and have two kids and nothing exciting to talk about. live life love life listen to your heart.

a chance at happiness is better then a guarantee of sadness