Monday, January 7, 2008

everything is so depressing lately

it's like one thing after another. i feel like a piece of trash and i'm so frustrated. and it's not just bboying now. it's everything..

i mean my life is fine, everything is going fine. i just feel like i been hit with so many blows. one thing after another just killing me inside ya know. listen and see what you think.

on top of being so mad at myself for not improving. my friend is leaving our crew. which basically means we're done. the crew is done.. ouch. and just a today my one surviving goldfish somehow got stuck in the filter. and now it's just floating on the top barely alive but i can see that it's gills are moving . i think it's gonna die any minute. double ouch. i really feel like my church friends are becoming a lost cause. i guess living your entire life not knowing what it's like to make you're own choices to drink and party and swear, make you go a bit overboard when you see everyone else. triple ouch..

i feel like swearing i'm starting to not see why i should be such a boy scout when everyone else doesn't give a damn. why can't some japanese guy be worried about me and i go out and act recklessly and drink and swear and party and do whatever the heck i feel like. i don't know . it's all just so depressing to me i wish i could just go and say "f**k them all" but i don't remember the last time i've swore. and i know my pastor and my parents and my church friends aren't reading this. so nobody can say sorry ryan i'll try to be stronger. or don't give up ryan you're doing so great you don't even know. i'm all alone in this battle of morality and God and religion and life and death and self improvement.

i bet it sounds pretty dramatic at this point but come on lets be honest here you wouldn't be reading this if it weren't dramatic. what do i do? i don't know.. all i can do now is lay here and think. and meditate and pray .

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