truth.

you kids are too young to remember this

what i was thinking about all across canada.




sigh.....

for people who don't know how to love.

close your eyes and expand your mind.

my needs met?

i've always been a big predicator of the idea that your geographic position is not a factor of your mindset. i mean people are people no matter where they are... there is no reason you should act a certain way depending on where you plant your seeds. maybe it's just me but i've realized so many females in vancouver are wack with poo brain.. frankly i can not get my needs met by these women. maybe you are a woman and you are reading this and you're thinking "wtf is he talking about?!" but that just goes to prove you are in fact "one of them" your typical vancouver-girl .


if someone is born blind and you don't tell them they're blind. they'll just think they're normal.


let me tell you what i'm looking for and tell me if this is a common type of girl here.

looking for... . . . . .

young intelligent open minded attractive female.

a thoughtful thinker with understanding and compassionate mind.

NOT picky about race, eye colour, hair colour (although do have slight favouring for either asian [of any variety] or mediterranean brunette beauty. also a huge fan of freckles)

must be dog person, brownie points for dog and bird person.

MUST enjoy outdoors. regardless of weather conditions!

MUST be able to climb trees.

CANNOT be picky eater.

MUST LOVE movies!!!!!

active and perhaps semi athletic are a plus.

preferably someone who likes:
-wes anderson movies
-miles davis
-j dilla
-al green
-marvin gaye
-sam cooke
-big bowls of salad
-sunsets/sunrises
-vinyl
-jd salinger
-cormac mc carthy
-midnight bike rides
-surprises
-tribe called quest
-jean michel basquiat
-new york
-the taste of purple fruit loops
-mixtapes
-snuggles
-radiolab
-big L
-amelie
-and star gazing for hours.






now it wouldn't be fair of me if i stated a bunch of demands and didn't list a few of my positive (and negative) qualities. . .
i think no matter what i write this will come off as narcissistic... so i won't even put on the vail of disillusion.. sometimes i can be a narcissist /: however that is very rare. as i'm far too shy and introverted for that.

i'm a highly self conscious and am a perfectionist. critical thinking is probably my biggest asset and weakness.. as i will constantly over think a situation like "should i kiss her.. what if my breath stinks. what if she just wants to be friends. what if she slaps me! what if it grosses her out what if what if what if!!!!!" when it should just be "lean in and kiss her ya dummy..."

i am kind of intuitive.

i eat healthy . live healthy. ride a bike( but i can drive...) i love nature. i love interacting with nature. i am an expert tree climber. i can swim faster than the average human as i was a competitive swimmer for 15 years. there is a bag full of speedos somewhere to prove it.

it goes without saying that i am athletic and will always be athletic.


i enjoy exercising my brain as well. not academically speaking though. i spend much of my spare time reading and thinking about life's egocentricities. i think a lot of douche bags say that.. but i actually do read and i do enjoy critical thinking. i can tell you the last five books i've read and the days i started and finished them. . .

i have a very distinct taste in films. i'm highly knowledgable in the realm of film history.

adventure is key.
adventure is key in my life. life is for living and i take the idea of carpe diem to heart. fortune favours the bold.
i like riding my bike til i'm lost then finding my way home.
or just going until i can't go anymore.
swimming in lakes rivers oceans, trespassing into people's pools.
sucker for beautiful sunrises and sunsets. starry nights and autumn leaves. rain puddles to splash the shit out of.

i am also loyal, open minded, free spirited, and opinionated. blah blah blah. why are you still reading this..





let me know if you've got someone that fits the bill. because i've about had it with this city.

fuck you brendan.

i've been thinking about this for a while and it pisses me off.

first a little background: this guy brendan lent me his bike when i went to toronto. to make a long story short i was a retard couldn't return his bike in time before i left for home and my friend had to return it for me. later i found out i had damaged his grip tape when i took a corner too sharp. needless to say brendan was angry. since then i've apologized numerous times and bought new grip tape which he refuses to accept... that toronto trip was a year ago and he still holds a grudge against me.

i guess this is fine. i mean i can accept the fact that he may never forgive me i can even accept that he will turn people against me.. what i can't accept is anyone calling me a spoiled brat! FUCK YOU IF YOU THINK I'M A SPOILED BRAT! what the fuck do you know about my life you shit brain.. because i live with my parents and grew up in burnaby i don't know anything about a hard life?... fuck you brendan.. i put two and two together, brendan the same guy who constantly tried to sell me his expensive bike frames like i have money... this retard thinks i live in the deep pockets of mommy and daddy-la and lay back all day and get a big fat allowance even into my twenties.. he thinks i'm like every other asian kid who gets a car when they get their license and hundred bucks for every "A" on my report card... fuck you brendan. i'm sure your life has been tougher than mine but don't fucking ride through my neighbourhood and suddenly think you know everything about my life!!!

yea sure i live with my parents.. but thats where the luxury ends. i pay for groceries i pay for everything i have i wash my shit i pay for everything!!!.. i've had a job since i was 11... if i have anything nice it's because i earned it with my blood my sweat and my tears. no one ever drove me to school .. i've always lived a mile away. when i was 7 that shit took me an hour each day.. in the rain and the snow.. i'd see kids walk to school with their older brothers or sisters or parents. don't fucking assume i'm like every other asian.... my dad fucking cuts grass for a living... my mom works at sears for fucks sake!!! how rich could i possibly be?!


i'm sorry i wrecked your grip tape i really am. i'm sorry i inconvenienced you for that month. i'm sorry i borrowed your bike at all.. if i could i'd let you throw my bike under a bus if it made you feel better. . .

if you can't forgive me thats your problem not mine! so don't fucking base your assumptions on my life of wether i live at home or not.. don't assume i'm pampered because the colour of my skin..


FUCK YOU BRENDAN!

It's time we put the guns away.

inspire.

i wanted to compile a few clips of people that inspire me. they are interesting for a reason i'd suggest watching each.

self destruct.

nothingness.
empty.
alone.
without meaning.


these are words that sum up the way i feel right now. when i look inward at the person i am i feel utterly lost. i look in the mirror and don't know whos looking back at me anymore. 5 years ago i could have answered any question about my future, any question of who i was. i look at myself now and don't know where i've gone. like one day my soul sat up and walked out on me. now all thats left is this empty shell. this part that i get up everyday to play is straight out of the pages of the catcher in the rye. i'm sitting here typing this with the bitter cold emptiness of my heart. i have no life lessons for you today just the strange remorse of someone who has lost themselves.



i feel like i've been searching for such a long time to find my heart. find where i left it, as if i'm on an epic quest to regain consciousness back in to reality, back in to the life i once lived. but it's hard, it's hard to find my way back, hard to retrace my steps back into happiness, back in to the life i'm supposed to be living.. i stand before the world a ghost, a figment, an apparition people don't know i'm hollow. it's almost as if i'm pricking my finger to feel something anything just to know i'm alive.

it feels like so long ago that i had some meaning in my life. i guess it's pretty shameful to try and extract meaning from life when you aren't even making an attempt to live. i'm sure there are people out there with none of the things that i long for that have perfectly normal lives. maybe thats just it, maybe i can't be normal. maybe normal is something i've set out to avoid from the moment my adolescent mind gained consciousness. i strive for more. strive to be more. so when the ambitious mind conflicts with the truthful heart we get the broken soul.... well .. here i am. on a monday night spilling my guts on regret and sadness, and unfulfilled goals. i should have seen it coming. should have known i'd try and self destruct when nothing important can stop me.

i need a reason to exist. call it what you want. but many things in our every day lives stop us from reflecting on our lives in such a dark manor. we all have our "meanings" do we not? i look at my life and find no reason..

a girlfriend. someone to love, or at least work towards loving, if you have a significant other you are lucky! you have someone to dote on, someone to call every night, someone who will call you every night, someone to argue with, someone to cherish, someone to care and worry about, someone to experience that microcosm of your life with.

a job. a stupid 9 to 5 grind, a crappy 9 dollar an hour, to invest minimal energy and sweat and perhaps bleed, to perform, to challenge to seek praise. and at the end of two weeks you get paid and your wallet is fat and you buy things. independence.

a class. a teacher, a lesson, a grade, classmates, something to work on to achieve to become, to be , to create, to prosper, while school seems like a shitty ordeal it is none the less an ordeal in which you derive sustenance... if you miss class... you will be missed, and perhaps you will miss it. .. .

my life is empty.... and i need to fill it with something. before the idle chatter of my heart corrupts me. i'm not this person. i'm not this drinking partying lazy do nothing person... i have aspirations, i have strength and creativity and i am different than most people.. thats a bit narcissistic.. i should believe in myself. but...






where do i go from here? ...

home alone...

this will be interesting. . .

wait til i get my money right.

some day there will be a day when i am where i want to be. there will be a day when i can stand firm in my knowledge and my wisdom because i will have lived through the storm and have battled all the battles to be had. i will be accomplished and stable in my profession and my life. i don't have much to say on this topic because i'm still working on it. i mean look at me there is no proof that i'm full of brilliant ideas even though i know i have them. i haven't put in any work to earn anything yet. YET!

Hard work without talent is a shame, but talent without hard work is a tragedy.

road test.

i failed my road test..

i'm 23

i'm unemployed..


fuck...


...

dead man's bones.

this looks really good. i'd like to see it. not many people know that ryan gosling is not just an actor hes also a pretty good musician. he recently made or did not make (however you want to look at it) a soundtrack to a movie that didn't get to final production. long story short i find his sound to be endearing and sincere.

really great music



the reason it's got an erie halloweenie look to it is because the movie was supposed to be a scary movie.



great!

now.

the happiness of secular life is so fleeting. i find myself so bored of it all.

when you take a step back and you see how plainly linear everything is, life following everyone else's template just seems so trivial.

here you are living your life working your job getting an education dating eventually getting married settling down etc etc.. it's nice and all but the period to the sentence is death. and we're all so busy achieving this picturesque model of living we forget that we are all dying. we're all bound to die some day. day by day we are dying as if life is a disease and by the second it is eating away at our existence on this planet. have you ever thought about this ; do you know who your grand father's father was? what he was like, what his dreams were, what kind of father he was, what he achieved? if so how about his father? or the father of his father? i greatly doubt you can even conceptualize your great grand father's life.

if that is true we are talking about being forgotten within the next 100 years. and everything you've worked hard for, everything you've strived to become is little more than a breeze in the wind. dust. a few random particles of carbon resembling our dna. i'm so mystified at how well everyone runs from their fate. disillusioned thinking they'll live forever be remembered forever... it's just stupid to me. even if you are remembered someday what will it be for? a thought is like a butterfly, faint, flickering, fleeting and before you know it gone. and so if this all seems a bit overly doom and gloom for you let me get to my point.

you will never be as important as you are right now.

right now this second. as each breath passes through your body and you are reading this sentence you are as important as you will ever be! because right now is when you are the realest. right now is when you can be a part of someone's life, a part of many people's lives.. and not just a thought faint-flickering-fleeting. someone can say your name and you will be felt. an emotion! you can reach out and hold someone, touch someone. when the blood is warm in your veins THAT is when you are the most important you that you will ever be. you can work hard to becoming whatever it is you want to achieve but you will never get there until you realize what right now means to you..

remember when you die would you rather be surrounded by the people you've loved or be alone on top of mount everest. achievements are pointless without someone to recognize them. it is my contention that people are far more important than achievements.


i hate when people live their lives hiding from their shadow's.





if you aren't living you're dying..