Tuesday, February 22, 2011

self destruct.

without meaning.

these are words that sum up the way i feel right now. when i look inward at the person i am i feel utterly lost. i look in the mirror and don't know whos looking back at me anymore. 5 years ago i could have answered any question about my future, any question of who i was. i look at myself now and don't know where i've gone. like one day my soul sat up and walked out on me. now all thats left is this empty shell. this part that i get up everyday to play is straight out of the pages of the catcher in the rye. i'm sitting here typing this with the bitter cold emptiness of my heart. i have no life lessons for you today just the strange remorse of someone who has lost themselves.

i feel like i've been searching for such a long time to find my heart. find where i left it, as if i'm on an epic quest to regain consciousness back in to reality, back in to the life i once lived. but it's hard, it's hard to find my way back, hard to retrace my steps back into happiness, back in to the life i'm supposed to be living.. i stand before the world a ghost, a figment, an apparition people don't know i'm hollow. it's almost as if i'm pricking my finger to feel something anything just to know i'm alive.

it feels like so long ago that i had some meaning in my life. i guess it's pretty shameful to try and extract meaning from life when you aren't even making an attempt to live. i'm sure there are people out there with none of the things that i long for that have perfectly normal lives. maybe thats just it, maybe i can't be normal. maybe normal is something i've set out to avoid from the moment my adolescent mind gained consciousness. i strive for more. strive to be more. so when the ambitious mind conflicts with the truthful heart we get the broken soul.... well .. here i am. on a monday night spilling my guts on regret and sadness, and unfulfilled goals. i should have seen it coming. should have known i'd try and self destruct when nothing important can stop me.

i need a reason to exist. call it what you want. but many things in our every day lives stop us from reflecting on our lives in such a dark manor. we all have our "meanings" do we not? i look at my life and find no reason..

a girlfriend. someone to love, or at least work towards loving, if you have a significant other you are lucky! you have someone to dote on, someone to call every night, someone who will call you every night, someone to argue with, someone to cherish, someone to care and worry about, someone to experience that microcosm of your life with.

a job. a stupid 9 to 5 grind, a crappy 9 dollar an hour, to invest minimal energy and sweat and perhaps bleed, to perform, to challenge to seek praise. and at the end of two weeks you get paid and your wallet is fat and you buy things. independence.

a class. a teacher, a lesson, a grade, classmates, something to work on to achieve to become, to be , to create, to prosper, while school seems like a shitty ordeal it is none the less an ordeal in which you derive sustenance... if you miss class... you will be missed, and perhaps you will miss it. .. .

my life is empty.... and i need to fill it with something. before the idle chatter of my heart corrupts me. i'm not this person. i'm not this drinking partying lazy do nothing person... i have aspirations, i have strength and creativity and i am different than most people.. thats a bit narcissistic.. i should believe in myself. but...

where do i go from here? ...


ckp said...

need a friend?

Anonymous said...

heyo, i dont know you, but i came across your blog, for who knows why, anyway, and read this entry and felt like you were having a tough time. so this comment might be weird coming from a total stranger, but just... have more confidence. once you start questioning yourself, you lose hope, trust and give up on yourself. everyone has their own vocation, you just have to seek it. and theres nothing wrong if you picked a career and ended up not liking it. it may seem like a waste of time and money, but thats how you learn more about yourself, and what you like and want to do.

try to aim something high, but always keep in touch with reality. dont give up on yourself because there are still certain people that havent given up on you even at your lowest point.

start living life. live for yourself, not for others. think what you want to be and do, dont just settle for what your comfortable of doing now. make yourself take that extra mile. push yourself to be better, not just to please others, but to feel.. proud of yourself. thats the only way to be confident and take pride of what you have.

its a challenge, but i believe you will get past this if you become more positive about yourself and your mindset.

and never, ever forget to dream! one of the things that separate us from other living things, so dont take that for granted.

and yeah, i dont mean to sound like your parents/guardian or whoever, but have a good journey, and dont stop believing theres always a rainbow after the rain! (:

good luck!

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a tough time ... maybe you could pursue post-secondary education and study something that's always interested you. Something creative and something that you can see yourself working in in the future. This may sound lame but I find post-secondary education is actually really great at opening your mind (even if you think your mind is open enough already you'd me amazed at the kinds of stuff you can learn), your future, your opportunities, your network, and expand your interests and aspirations. Anyways, good luck :) hope you find the strength to figure out what the next best course of action is!