responsibility

i've known for quite some time now i'm basically coasting through life. i don't know what is going on but i have far too little responsibilities besides my job. not that i want anymore, it's just that when you reach a certain age you're expected to have a few choice things accomplished. for one, most of my peers will soon be entering their fourth year in university which means hello graduation and on to bigger better things. while i'm stuck here in the coasting lane. (stupid ryan...) hopefully in the fall i can finally start my first year of post secondary. you see i don't really know what it is that is holding me back?!? finally after 3 years of moping around and sitting on my ass i'm finally beginning to pick up the responsibilities of being a young adult. i must say this is the least fun under taking of my life thus far but... "a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do." i drew a mouse whole on the wall with a sharpie when i was about 4 after watching cartoons all day, and seeing how if you draw a whole it becomes a real whole. my mom ran over and screamed "RYAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!!!" and at the tender age of 4 those were my words " a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do.." naturally my mom was laughing too hard to get mad at me so i got off scott free. now lipstick drawing in the hallway thats a whole different story.

manhood, ooh how i fear and loath you at the same time. it's a horrible curse cast upon every boy after birth. to someday grow up to be a man, to take on a mountain of responsibilities and still manage to find someone worth sharing their life with. girls always complain about how many guys "bother" them... can i have yo numba? etc etc... yea sure there are a lot of grease balls out there. disgusting egotistical self centered one track mind grease balls, ruining it for every guy who just wants to find that one.. girls just go on and on "ugh i just can't get them to stop calling.." how nice would it be if i didn't have to do anything.. and girls would just shower me with attention and compliments, even gross sleazy girls...( lol i'd just tell them to take a hike.) what i'm trying to say is.. guys, we take a lot of flak for a job that is way easier to mess up and way more courageous.

oh well.. c'est la vie.

to-do:
-get license
-get acceptance letter
-buy car
-keep room clean... :s
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-be a man.

brain jumble

i don't know what is up with me lately.. i can't even think straight. a billion thoughts zig zagging and bouncing in and out of my mind. that last thing i wrote doesn't even really make sense. i think i'd be better off just writing in point form the endless stuff streaming through my brain...

-i've been thinking about this whole blogging thing. why does it feel good? what is the point of it? it's obviously not a place to put your private thoughts because anyone can read them. so do you write about what you feel, or write about what you think, or do you just bs..

-there are so many adventures to be had, so much of the world i have not seen. with an estimated 60 years of life left how on earth do i experience everything !! the only thing i can think of is just buy a plane ticket and live out of a back pack for 10 years.

-i wonder how God feels about how insignificantly we treat him? to the one that creates all things including us, how often we over look miracles.. i was looking at the water the other day and the way the sun was shinning the way the wind was blowing and the angle of the shadows were bouncing, everything was perfect. then i stopped doing what i was doing and just realized "this is a miraculous beauty..." everyday every where this happens on the earth, and in people. MIRACLES but we don't stop we just shrug off God's paint brush and think to our selves "not bad" ...

-where do all my socks go?!

-how do you tell someone "i can't wait to get to know you!" ?

-my dog is the cutest dog.. she could be a model if she wanted. "antd"

-i have too many pairs of shoes... materialism is something i'd like to be free of.

-i have too many stoner friends...

-long hair or short hair?

-i feel so socially awkward sometimes. somebody sent me a honesty box message saying something like "are you trying to be mysterious or something? cause you just come off as weird.." i'm not "trying" to be anything.. if i come off as being weird... that is because i AM weird.. thanks a lot anonymous jerk.. it's a wonder i ever even had a girlfriend...

-i would really like to play risk with my homies! risk is always a good times. jono thinking he's playing well when in reality hes just watching tv and only makes it a priority that he gets korea. lol

-when do things become "official"?... sigh..

- aloe drink is amazing.. wow. delicious.

-i like to skateboard even though i suck.

-could go for some ice cream right about now.

-there is a famous saying that goes something like "the battle will not be waged on the battle fields, the battle will be waged over the hearts and minds of the people." that said.. can you truly bribe the hearts and minds of kids with candy?! hahahaha
we shall see.

-friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday, friday..

-wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday, wednesday!!!!!

k, goodnight.

burn after reading.

for the past two weeks i've been trying to write something, anything! but nothing i wrote ever seemed to materialize into anything. not that i have anything to write now..

i've made a lot of mistakes. how can i stress that enough? i became something i knew i wasn't. i turned my back on God... i turned and walked away. chasing the lie that you only live once. drinking, partying, meeting random girls. no one was more disappointed in me then me... i became "that guy" the one i decided never to become. every time i hear about clubs or drinking it makes me cringe, not because i look down on it, but because of the shame i feel for turning my back on what my heart was telling me. like stuffing your conscience into a stinky bag and hiding it under your bed. i find the more you stuff that voice into that bag the quieter it gets, until one day you can't even hear it anymore, and you can't tell the difference between wrong and right. mistakes mistakes mistakes... i wish i could take them back, take them ALL back. regret much? tell me about it...

but this story doesn't end badly. in fact, it's still being written. my eyes and my life are pointed in the right direction, and that is up. it's so easy to forget who holds you up.. you can't let God down... he holds you up. and you can't regret life. you have to just live it and live it well. sure if you have hurt people then ask for forgiveness.. then move on. we aren't supposed to get hung up over our failures. tell me where in the bible it says "hold on to regret." no where! thats where.. if you ever read about what kind of guy Jesus was you'd know all he talked about was loving God and believing in yourself. jesus was the kind of guy that would shake you and say "snap out of it man you aren't helping me by beating yourself up! get out that door and make change!"

life is unlimited right?

regret is like a secret message that is supposed to be destroyed after you read it. feel it fix it then throw it away!

this was pretty silly but i'll force myself to not delete it.


counting the minutes til wednesday ...

think about this, think about that, think too much about thinking. just enjoy

sometimes when i start spacing out i gotta just slap myself in the face.
*nervous. ha...ha...ha. . .*

moonstruck..

the deck that love built.

a couple summers ago my dad got the crazy idea in his head that we should build a new deck. at first i was a bit skeptical of this idea and his blue prints.. but i went along with the notion for the 'father son' sake. one day i woke to the sound of boards being smashed and the crashing of falling two by fours. it was my dad tearing down the old rickety deck thats been there since i was a kid.... looks like theres no turning back now...

for the following weeks him and i spent a few extra hours a day digging, hammering, carrying, sweating, you know things guys do.. it was an interesting time, much like all of our father son projects. (let it be known that neither myself nor the pops have any engineering or carpentry know-how, just common sense, a hammer some nails and a drill and some screws.) so most of our projects are pretty much slap stick comedy to watch

for example

-dad pouring cement
-me holding support beam

dad: "ryan hold it straight"
me: "okay it's straight"

cement being poured

dad: " what the.. this not straight..."
me: " oh you meant straight that way? i thought you meant straight the other way.."
dad:" there only one straight.."

me:"..."
dad: "..."

etc etc i could go on and on i think i'm traveling further into irrelevance .. hahaha anyways, despite our lack of building credentials both me and my dad are pretty good at building things. i think it must be a japanese thing. we worked hard and long and when the very last nail was in and the paint freshly washed over top... we had ourselves a deck whaddya know! ...




sometimes the craziest ideas can also turn out to be the most fun and most worth while. you might make a few mistakes a long the way but you just have to remain optimistic. by the end you'll be glad you were a part of it. i've realized lately i love my pops. i'd do anything to protect him.. the deck that love built.

sometimes while the sun is setting and the fresh summer breeze is blowing i sit out on that deck and just let my mind drift away.

what am i doing at this very moment.

breathing, sitting here looking at a simon and patrick acoustic guitar missing one string which was broken by earl, waiting, thinking about tomorrow, thinking about how nice the shower i'm about to take will be, thinking about poetry/school/poetry/school/ english, cracking my knuckles, itching a mosquito bite, thinking about ice cream, thinking about who i'd like to get ice cream with, thinking about driving, thinking about drivers licenses, cracking back, more itching, more itching, itch itch itch itch itch, waiting still waiting, thinking about scriptures, thinking about tattoos, thinking about jesus, thinking about a friend, thinking about my back, ouch my back, itching, now thinking about wild style, now thinking about the movie colors, itch, waiting, could go for some ice cream. waiting, thinking, waiting, thinking..


a glimpse into the boring life and mind of ryan. the end.
hahah sorry that was kind of weird/lame. i just felt like experimenting .

the order of things.

first and foremost love God
second love your family
third love your friends
fourth love your enemies.

then if you have any love left. find someone special. thats the order i don't mess with it.
edit: just a handy self reminder.

MY way of life.

when i was about 5 or 6 my dad tried to teach me how to ride a bike. we'd go in the back alley behind our house and he'd hold the back seat while i rode around. it felt good, the security of knowing i couldn't tip over and couldn't fall down. i was having fun until my dad said "you have to do it alone.." i was like " BUT HOW!?!!!!!!!!!" and he let go. as soon as he let go that security was gone and quickly i began to panic. i rode faster and faster, then down a hill, then in to a ditch... i remember feeling really angry with my dad, that and a bit of pain, i was so used to my mom babying me, so unused to this toughen up mentality. little did i know the life lesson my father was about to instill upon me.

i was laying there in the ditch with some cuts and scrapes crying my ass off and my dad just walked over and said "get out of there..." get out of there? what the hell isn't this the part where he climbs down in here and carries me all the way home? nope, he just stood there and waited for me to climb out. then he said " you ready to try again?" i was thinking is this guy crazy or something.. did he not just see that?... i said "i don't want to ride again it's too scary, you're just going to let go again.." then i'll never forget the look on my dads face. utter disappointment filled every crease of his face, and he said " you can't quit so easy.. life not so easy.. can never give up!"..." when you give up you die.." but i was too stupid and too young to understand the lesson he was trying to teach me. i just felt insecure and and scared.. so i said " NO! i'm not riding again! " my dad had the same disappointed look on his face, he paused, then got down into the ditch grabbed the bike and carried it home. leaving me standing there alone.

i was too young then to understand what he was trying to tell me. it wasn't until 12 years later we completed the lesson. oh i knew how to ride a bike by then. the look of disappointment alone was enough to get me to run back home take out my bike and practise practise practise until i learned on my own. anyways 12 years later my dad and i were working together. i usually help out with the family business of landscaping. for about every summer since i was 11 i'd help my dad at work cutting grass, pulling weeds, raking, carrying bricks and digging stuff ( thats probably why i got so huge hahaha) in those 5 years i got to know my dad really well, better then either of my sisters. My dad is a strange guy, sort of old school, sort of awkwardly japanese, sort of gentle but tough and persistent, one of those 'hard work is work worth working hard for..' kind of dudes. so one day he drops a bomb on me "ryan we have to sell the house and move.." at the time i was a total wimp and i literally cried. i was so scared of change. my dad explained it like this the mortgage to the house and the debt we owe is too much and he'd probably die long before we were ever in the free and clear. my dad now entering his 60s needs to retire sometime soon his back, knees and wrists cause incredible discomfort. even though he suffers that much he still wakes up every morning to do a job he hates..
anyways, when my dad said that we had to move i was so upset i quickly shot back saying " YOU TAUGHT ME NEVER TO GIVE UP! because when you give up you die!!" i started crying again..( i know right a 17 year old guy crying IN FRONT OF HIS DAD no less. haha) then my dad did something i've never seen him do in my entire 17 years of life... he began to cry too... my dad started out..

" when i move to this country i was young. . .
i told my parents i might never see you again.
i move here knowing i can't go back!"

..tears dripping down his face..

" my mom! my dad! they KNEW! maybe i won't see them again... so after my father die i couldn't go see him. NOT EVEN MY OWN FATHER! i couldn't see him.. even though i missed them i had to stay here because we need money because you miyuki and hanae. i have to make money for us! so even my own father die... i can't go see him. but i was young like you! i moved here for better life! look at me! is this better life?! soon i die too! then what!.... . . look... my mom my dad they both dead now.. i never see them since i left over 20 years ago.. ryan.. pretty soon i die too.. i want to enjoy my life. i know 'never give up' i know this, but i am 63 years old i made many mistakes.. BUT i never quit.. i never give up.."



now the lesson i learned when i was 5 made so much sense. my father sacrificed a lot for this family, for me. i never knew the level of devotion he had for our family til that day. i never stopped to think when he was a young man he said good bye to his parents knowing he wouldn't see them again until they were buried in the earth. my father taught me never to give up never surrender "this is bushido" he said "we come from samurai family. so you can not quit." so although on the surface i look like your average white washed hipster "vancouver guy" asian i'm actually underneath a proud japanese man. never to give up.. never to surrender. this is MY way of life it should be yours too.