the diaries of a restless mind.

what is it i am doing at this very moment...?
laying here shirtless. trying to find peace from my thoughts. inside my mind a battle is being waged for control over what is at the centre of my attention. why is it my brain has no filter for stupid crap? no separation of what is of dire importance and what is utter nonsense... i'm thinking about how many people have asked me "whats new?" i draw a blank. give a stupid answer like "well..uhh.. i've been working a lot?.." the honest to God truth is i have nothing new to talk about. for someone so thirsty for adventure i sure live a bland life. is this a case of the "fall blues?" or is this a case of 'you're sitting on your ass too much. get off it..' either outcome compels the same solution: do something! i find the more a person dwells on one thing the more they are engulfed by it. therefore, it is best to quickly solve it or do what you can then move on. keep moving forward. that is the best remedy to this life-road block. each and every day i want to grow spiritually, mentally, maybe not physically... (lol unless it's taller.) i don't care about my destiny. what matters most is this moment. this very second. life is escaping me.. you.. us.. every second you spend on this planet on this stupid screen in front of you.. your life is ticking away. and what have you done today that is vast and profound and amazing. eat sleep move eat sleep move around learn crap. what about your heart? is it still where you left it? the world we live in is crumbling under our feet and you say "theres always tomorrow.." but i tell you one day your bones will turn to dust and your name forgotten amongst the billions. so why is it you worry about today or tomorrow or the next day? when you should be thinking about this very second. isn't there somebody you should be with? isn't there somebody you need to thank? isn't there somebody you need to hold in your arms for no other reason then to just hold them in-your-arms? isn't there someone you need to apologize to... whats holding you back? living your life worrying about the trivial pursuit of tomorrow is like writing you name in the dust that will be blown away. . and no one will have even known there was dust there. wealth is of the heart and mind.

let me remind you every second you waste sitting there.. thinking of what to do. you could be DOING what you SHOULD do...
get off your ass and live that life!!

life unlimited.

facing demons.

lately i've been dealing with the skeletons in my closet. the demons surface and show their ugly faces. . .
i hate stumbling in life. i hate failure. starting at square one.. for many people i'm sure it's easy to believe giving up is an option. not for me. the word quit is not within my vocabulary. so when i stumble i look at it as an interesting opportunity. a way to prove my strength. when someone tells me "ryan you can't" i say "watch me."

i think i'm talking out of my ass. i guess i just needed to remind myself.

two wheels and the road.

as much as i like to think i have a direction in life... the final say is not up to me. the things i pursue are just that, things i chase after. nobody gave me a guaranty of this or that, i just chase.. hope to God i can catch. with the hand full of concrete things in my life riding my bike is one of them. it doesn't have any preconceived notions of who i am, or have standards for me, or built up expectations of who i should be, it just sits there and waits to go fast. me and my 979 vitus. it's nothing much but i've heard back in it's day someone used one just like it to win the tour de france. so as i ride i relive the colored history of this bike. the bike that is older then i am.. the bike that has had many owners. the bike that was cared for enough to have a 600 dollar durace sti drive train installed. make no mistake it may look nostalgic but it's the equivalent to putting a ferrari engine in a vw beatle. it's my therapy. when everything in the world gets to be just a little bit too much i just hop on and pedal til the worlds a blur. something about the familiar feel of leather against jeans, and torn foam wraps on the palms of my hands... makes something change. and as i coast down the slight slope of my drive way to the curb my mind empties and the animal instinct comes alive. the quiet whir of wheels spinning and gears clicking. i breath deep and pedal my first stroke, around the bend and up the hill faster and faster until wind is blowing in my face. cool air rushing towards me. i can't slow down if i slow down the wind stops and when the wind stops the joy stops. so i keep pedaling faster and faster gear up gear down faster faster we go. i smell that smell, the smell of cold air on summer's morning, between that smell and the wind rushing towards my face i can think of no greater high this world can offer. the wheels keep turning and i keep going. higher and faster, up, anywhere the road takes me.. but it must be up. because with 'up' comes the promise of 'down' and with down i get to experience what people search their whole lives for...

. . .freedom. . .

when we go fast nothing can touch us, nothing matters.. for the few minutes i go down that hill i'm like a bird.. i'm flying and the world becomes silent. it's just me.. alone.. i feel like i'm cheating death every second i'm going faster. thinking "no human should be going this fast..." but i get greedy and go even faster. pushing the the limits of every component.. every nut bolt wire bearing gear. when it's just me two wheels and the road everything that is complicated about life becomes simple..

people ask me "why don't you drive?"












why do you?

some things are more important than others.

everything is spiritual... it's just a matter of wether you're able to accept that.