sometimes when it rains i like to get philosophical..

i've been thinking a lot lately since having a talk with pastor darryl (basically my substitute dad hahaha) whats life about?
i mean what defines what living life is all about? love? relationships? success? happiness? and you sit there and you ask yourself the same question. "what is the true definition of living life?" my favorite teacher used to say " without passion you can not live" and thats totally true someone who is old and entering the final years of life will live that much longer if they have duty or responsibility . does this truly define what it means to be alive? finding something you love with great intensity to the point you find meaning within it? or is life an abstract concept with many free radicals floating around. can someone really define what it is to feel a purpose in life? or is it all in the end that life is finding your own definition of life?

for me life is a giant puzzle waiting to be solved. you know how sometimes you buy a puzzle or a box of legos and for some messed up reason theres a piece you can not find anywhere? so you're like "wtf i got jipped!" and you search and you search and you search but it's not anywhere. life is kinda like that for me, building the puzzle only to find you're missing something and then searching everywhere for it. half the excitement of life is that search, at least for me it is. i can understand how people might get frustrated by this "search" in the end it is this "search" that defines us. the obstacles and surprises we encounter are the bumps and battles that make no two people alike. some people have great passion for this "search" and some people choose to follow others instead of forging their own path. but i will tell you this the harder you struggle with life the more character and integrity you will gain from it. i'd rather have struggle with life and gain a sense of self awareness then to be given every answer on a plate and miss out on the ups and downs of this journey. how could life be this complex without a bigger picture at play? we are not the product of a natural turn of events or a chain reaction of cosmic gasses. we each have a purpose in life on this planet be it great or small. i don't know why people have to struggle so much to come to terms with this. like it's impossible for there to be a higher power then man?...

let me leave you with this question: whats your definition of life? and if you don't know... then what are you doing to find it?

life in a nutshell, or lifes IN a nutshell

relationships and girls can be so complicated! holy crap.
i don't understand how to do that whole "play them hot and cold" thing. like treat em like gold treat em like crap. i don't understand it. i can't toy with someone's emotions like that. if i like someone they will know that i like them. i'm not going to play games with your heart. and i don't understand how some girls like that.... thats all there is to it.

i'm a lot like that old school love. i'm totally not cut out for this "seeing someone" one week and giving them the cold shoulder the next. and i can't handle these girls these days. as much as i'm drawn to them i could just really go for some monogamy.. cause thats what kinda person i am. i expect loyalty because i give loyalty. is this such a crazy concept?

but damn i am lonely. you know the stage is really set for some girl to sweep me off my feet. hahaha . i wish..
so often the sweeper and so seldom the sweep(y)? whatever.

and another thing!! what is up with cute girls and pressuring me! what the heck! it's like they know i won't be able to turn them down! i'm so frustrated by this.. from now on i'm just going to ignore every human being on this planet with a vagina! except my mom.  

ah life and it's egocentricity's i laugh at these females! ha-ha-HA!  no more mind control you want something you better do it yourself! "i'm a man with pride you don't to sh*t like that?!"

the trouble is how do you differentiate between the ones that want to mess with you and the ones that have genuine intentions of friendship.  life you kill me.. why so complicated . i thought girls were made from the ribs of a man so as to always protect the mans heart. huh?! where ya at now genesis !!! hahaha you know i'm just playin God..

someone want to clarify something for me. where have all the good girls gone?

can you ever truly please anyone.

it seems a lot like no matter what i do i can never truly please everyone. it's like i'm always stepping on peoples toes or not living up to their expectations.

everyone is trying to push their outcome on me... no one actually stops to think about the crapstorm of my life. it feels a lot like every day is a frantic search for the next ONE. the next janice. when things fell apart a part of me definitely broke away and never really returned. and i know people are thinking "wtf this guy is such a flirt" or "what a tease.." things never used to be this way.. i can honestly catch myself doing this too and i'm just thinking in my head what-am-i-doing. but heres the deal, i am lonely. people don't even know that i stay at home on pretty much every night, play emo records, and look at old photographs of her. so the reality is wether it is a girl or guy giving me attention i will take it. i just don't want to be alone. ( this pain in my heart is funneled into emotions in my dancing. so if you see me with fire in my eyes don't be surprised to see a tear as well..)

and yet, people try to play match maker in my life while i am still in the fuct up state of mind. i'll tell you what i'll date everybody and anybody you want but until i'm back to being me. that person will only be getting 50% to 60% tops of me. because my heart is still formed into that perfect puzzle piece that i gave to 'her.' as far as dating goes i'm a firm believer in if you're in you damn well better be ALL in. otherwise why bother it's not fair to her and it's not fair to you. i'm so tired of stepping on everyones toes so maybe if i just stand still i won't hurt anyone..

people are wrong to think you have this dream group of friends that will never leave you and never betray you! friends are human too! and humans are flawed. you're a fool to rely heavily on what can never truly be perfect. the only things you can truly count on is the big man upstairs and what the little man in your heart tells you. don't put all your eggs into a broken basket.

if you don't know al green is now a pastor and this song is about God