give it wings.

nothing golden can stay forever. it's not sad it's beautiful. to me the key is not to try so hard to retrieve that old feeling but instead to leave the door open to allow new happiness to enter.

what does it mean.

wondering lately what does it all mean? what is any of this? and why does it matter? some fucking albert camus shit... i just got back from a trip to seattle and i thought being home in my native land i'd feel normal again. instead i still feel like life is a dream.. when i was in america it was such an odd sensation being out of my comfort zone and out of any place of responsibility i was literally outside of my own life looking in at why the grass might be greener. but instead of mass doses of inspiration all i had were realizations and surreal interactions of complacent life. all in all it was a good trip for me but all the same a bit of a shallow one. i had no expectation going in but upon exit from this weird state of being i was thrust back in to my life of responsibilities and frustrations. it was like i left my home and comfort and energy to embody a grey zone then expecting to retrieve my own life i was stuck in the grey. i catch myself in the dead end state of mind wondering what is all this shit. how did i come to be this age and this level in my life with so little to grasp to? what holds me to reality? what is worth all this struggle? i understand work and hard work are valuable and time is precious and also feelings and the heart are priceless... but why am i reliving this weird limbo so vividly. am i bipolar? wtf is this odd sensation.... i feel lost in my own life. maybe upon retrospect all this will just be like mindless chatter of my emo brain. right now it certainly feels very real. my theory and this is the frist thing that pops in to my head: is that i left home thinking escaping my problems would allow me the freedom to contemplate my plan of attack deeper and find my happy thought. instead upon arrival my problems magnified in my mind and just festered to a weird greyness. nothing is solved nothing is improved nothing is stronger i am just back to my nest. further more maybe my plan and vision of attack was stronger in focus when i was working towards leaving hahaha. the bonds of maya... fuck.

i'm so tired of being alone.

in the immortal words of Al Green "i'm so tired of being alone" ... and i'm fucking sick of people who are in relationships giving me advice. if you don't remember what it's like being single don't tell me how to be. how to find love.. like just because you're in a relationship you're all of a sudden an expert on being a single bachelor. fuck that shit. i know friends are just trying to help. but to me in these sort of situations the best "help" a friend can give is: just listen.  i'm so tired of being alone. and now at my age i feel a longing for deeper relationships. none of these women are capable of fulfilling my heart's desires.... maybe i'm just not searching hard enough or maybe it stems from a low confidence or maybe i have a high standard? every women i come across seems to be overly damaged. i know that we all carry our baggage but i apparently either am attracted to or attract only fucking insane women. 

the one for me is out there and i know it. the woman of my dreams.. i'm not a misogynistic prick or a even an overly shallow man my needs are simple.. yet .. over and over again i make a misstep and pick someone entirely stupid or stubborn or self centred or illogical.. no one is perfect i am not delusional in this regard i just know what i want.  this person must be close to my dream because i intend to treat her as my Queen.. and far too often i've given the wrong women attention and worked too hard for a frivolous end. 

there are a lot of shitty bitter people out there. and lots of broken hearted women with their guards up. like we're all walking around with our fragile hearts all bandaged up putting on a show to appear stronger than we really are when in fact we're all just as scared to be broken again. so deeper and deeper the true heart that feels and believes in fairytales the true heart we're all born with gets put deeper into the pit of all our self doubts. like a bunch of little babies wearing grown up costumes.  

a ship is safe in a harbour.. but then again that's not what ships are for!! 

nobody wants to put their heart on the line and be real. always always i'm walking around meeting people wondering "what is your damage" ... i know my damage but being real is not it.. and i can't stand fake people. like how hard is it to just be yourself?! to just listen to your heart and speak up when something makes you angry! be sad when something makes you feel down... too many emotionally retarded people out there just put on the mask of happiness in all situations.  when someone is only ever happy that is just not real.. scientifically it's impossible. the chemicals in your brain that make you truly happy can not operate 24/7 if you were happy all day every day your brain would fry... that is why when i see someone who constantly pretends to be nice and happy i know they are fake. but if a person is both ying and yang sinner and saint lover and hater that is reality that is someone who's love for you is genuine and yes maybe they are always nice to you.. but it's because they in fact like you and your personality. 

who will save my soul (rhetorical: i will save my soul.) 

i'm just so tired of being alone. 

realness.

      i'm realizing lately ... everything in life is about truth. the one true underlying factor to all things and interactions boils down to truth. a person can be fake or a person can be real. and it is MUCH harder to be real. we are always encountering new people asking ourselves "what is this person's damage?" because we all have some kind of baggage even the bravest and strongest of us have some kind of hurt or complex we can't let go of. no one is perfect far from it we are mostly weird and messed up it's just that we've all learned how to put on this happy face for the world to see. it's almost like that movie pleasantville everyone wants to show the world they are impervious to pain anger damage. everybody tries sooo hard to be this super-you where you can balance a million things and relationships and make everyone happy and make everyone love you... but what does it all mean? it means to me people are scared of simply being true being REAL. if you let your anger show every time or your sadness every time or your pain and hurt feelings every time how many stupid explosive situations could be avoided. but no.. instead about 80 - 90% of society has this silly ideal of passive aggression... no one wants to dialogue and understand each other.. instead we've settled ourselves with this fucking stupid ass idea of:


 "Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference."


 i'm sorry mark twain but i bet you were one passive aggressive pompous mother fucker cause that to me tells me you always believe in your own knowledge never to attempt to find a middle ground. once a person thinks they know everything and stops trying to learn(from greater or lesser minds)THAT is when you've become the fool. once you stop learning you will indefinitely stop succeeding and stop growing as a human being. you mine as well be dead if you stop being a student. to me stubborn and stupid are the same word. albeit there is a good kind of stubborn but thats not what i'm talking about. i'm talking about the fucking dumb ass kind of stubborn that refuses to budge an inch in their mentality. those kind of people that are static in their thinking and refuse to change or evolve. they become stuck. rationality is just such a sexy beautiful quality! a rational person hears an argument and weighs the truths in their mind maybe comes to a mutual understanding maybe disagrees but at least they can think critically about whats in front of them. then a dialogue ensues either one of agreement or argument to try and appeal to the opposing human's perspective and help them to see the validity of their view. if you feel passionately about something you fight and you listen to your heart. feelings intuitions are something we forget and ignore favouring our brain's logic... but is this for the better always? we as human animals have the same great instincts as the eagle in the sky that just feels it in his bones there will be fish where he dives. or the same feelings a gazelle has when it feels it is being watched by a lion and bolts like the wind. we as humans have these same great sensibilities that animals in the wild have. because we separated ourselves so far from nature we tend to forget it.


 instead we like to favour our logic over our emotions and instincts which to be honest isn't necessarily always a bad thing. sometimes a person IS simply too fucking stupid to reason with. sometimes a situation IS in vain and frivolous in nature. that is why you know when to fight and when to "not outshine the master" pick and choose your battles as any wise military leader or tactician would. flee one day to overthrow another. but i digress. truth is the one denominating factor of life. those that seek to find and observe the realities and truths will be raised to a new level of consciousness. i sound like a quack but you know what until you try to live life the way i do never running from my feelings never hiding from something i disagree with never being passive instead being active and rise to action you will not understands my words.


 you are stubborn. you are stuck.


 i live life with no regrets and no fear. i fear fear. i rather die standing than live kneeling. my honour my word mean something to me. so i am truthful: if i think someone is lame i let them know and tell them why, if i think someone is cool i praise them and let them know they are a good person. i bully the bullies cause who else will. and if you think i am a hypocrite and a bully myself then go ahead and attack me and my logic and i'll show you how good my heart is how strong my intellect is. it's like i said i am ALWAYS down to dialogue and learn from every encounter. perhaps THAT is why i am this strong... because through facing adversity and overcoming it that is what gives me strength and helps me grow.."what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"(from bushido not dumb song lyric)


 look.. shit happens that is inevitable we will always be faced with problems greater than our capabilities or minds and we can either in the words of master yoda "do or do-not there is no try!" rise or fall but you must try! the way you react counts most because it is your reaction to shitty things that defines you.


 i am not the absolute truth no one or thing is... i prefer to be seen as lower and lesser. always the student never the master i just want to learn and grow every day! so don't blindly believe these words i write instead think about them struggle with them attack them critically with your mind and maybe confront me and lets debate what we see to be true and what to be false. i am NOT stubborn i am VERY rational. come to your own conclusions on what life is to you. a wise man once told me


 "the secret to life is..... we all find our own secret to life."












 have a nice day my beautiful homies. ;)

days go by.

we are all dying yet we choose to ignore it. when you're young it's easy to forget time is precious life is precious this present conscious moment is precious. then suddenly you're old and dying and riddled with regrets of days gone by..  it's like a daily ritual of mine to forget i'm breathing and that life is a miracle. always always back to drifting through life like it's some pass time.

if i actually treated my life like it could end tomorrow i wouldn't be living like this. i wouldn't be so complacent thats for sure. i let so many things slip through my fingers and i hate myself for it. you know those moments when you feel it in your bones that something is supposed to happen or something is supposed to be said and then you just let it go and let the coward in your heart be in control. those moments you really regret not being the hero of your story… would that kind of shit even happen if that split second you were reminded our time is not infinite and opportunities pass…

i'm a coward...

there is a recurring theme in shakespeare's hamlet: failure to action and over thinking his course of actions spiral him further and further into his own thoughts and deep depression.

i feel like that when i see her. it's been a long time since i've felt like this. it's been a long time since i've been afflicted so seriously with an infatuation. i'm driving myself crazy… yes i find myself being attracted to women i meet or come across but not so much to this degree.  not so much to this level of anxiety and butterflies. she is MY TYPE to the very definition of my dna and fibre of my soul. it's easy to be attracted to someone's appearance but it's not easy to find a mind and heart that match so closely to your desire.. i don't know whats wrong with me… is it because i was hurt in the past? what is the reason i can't find the courage to just ask her out. i tried to force it out of me today and i had the perfect opportunity but at the last second i hid in my shell and before i knew it the chance passed. i find myself telling myself every week "this will be the day i finally do it and good or bad at least i'll have an answer…" but again and again i fail my own heart.

 i need to just nut up or shut up…  i'm tired of being alone. i'm tired of having nothing to look forward to.. i'm tired of my own cowardice. i'm tired of having no one to share my victories and defeats.


i feel like i'm in high school all over again.

“Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.”

—	Henry Miller